Monday, 28 September 2015

You should be!

Okay, i've heard this over and over. 

I'm pretty surprised that some people look at me with disdain just because i'm being who i am. 

Here are some of the reasons people look down on me:

1. I don't look like your typical CEO of a company that's been around for more than a decade.

I look like the way i look. Rarely wears make up. I don't always have my hair blown, i don't wear power dress often or fake eyelashes unless i'm going to do a shooting that day.

People have this concept of what a powerful woman should look like. I used to be sad about having to alter how i look for the sake of fitting "the image". But then, i read this article in Glamor Uk. Taylor swift wrote about Lena Dunham, that she's so powerful in the biz, but wear pink dresses, flower crown (seriously), cries, and is a total hugger, and call her pet lamby. That's when i made my peace. I am powerful because, i know who i am. I don't have to be someone i'm not. 

2. I still prance around in non-designer items. 

Seriously, some people look at me and get annoyed instantly by what bag that i carry around. For this i rolled my eyes. The beauty about being successful is that we are free to buy whatever we want and wear whatever we want. If our self worth have to be depended on what the society demanded, then we are not free. And to me, what the hell does our money means when we can't be trully independent?

3. I'm quite candid.
More than a few people have told me i'm naive. That happens whenever i open up or be honest or ask honest questions. These people also cringe when they read my book or my blog. They would whatsapp me and comment something like, "I can't believe you are very open. You should not tell people some of the things you wrote."

 Then i ask,"why?" 

They said,"it's embarrassing."

I asked again, "why it's embarrassing?"

They said,"well, then people will know. Your mistakes, your stupidity, or when you let people know how some things hurt you. gengsi dong!"

I guess. That's just it. I don't have it. Or maybe i don't make my pride a big deal. I rarely find any use of it. 

I am not affraid to show my weaknesses, because i don't like to mislead people. I am what i am. I made so many mistakes, i also did things that i really regret. My life is what it is. It is happy, and then sad, and then there are dissapointments, hurt, and proud moments, warmth, joy, and then numb, panic attack, and so on. Just like everyone else's lives. Why should that be embarrassing?

I am not perfect, and i think that's-in Gogirl! Languange-flawsome!

Tuesday, 15 September 2015


Sometimes, even in morning time i feel like it's already mid day. 

i feel like i need a quiet time, some alone time, as if i've been having a busy day. 
But the truth is, i've been having a very busy mind. From the moment i gain consciousness my head is busy. With words. With reminders. With worries. With plans. With guilt. With promises. With chores. With lists.

It's like i'm working on autopilot. Then when it's quiet, like now, in the car, otw to work. I feel tired. My mind wander to the smell of coffee. Like it's 4 in the afternoon. When actually my day has not even started yet. 

Then i saw this post by mommies daily about a reminder to slow down. Posted in a poem, supposedly written in a child point of view. And i think, "jeez, thanks a lot, like i need another thing to feel guilty about."

People are just insensitive sometimes. Or maybe i'm just touchy. I'm exhausted and fighting every nudge towards depression. 

I'm doing my best. In ways that i know and don't know. I'm constantly learning. But being a mother of 3 is hard. I feel like i need support from other moms. Not posts that make me feel even guiltier than i already do. 

Okay, it's time to unfollow mommies daily. Sorry Hani.