I'm not a good mother

Seriously. I'm not.

Not just saying that to fish for complement or sympathy. 

I mean, i try to be, but i fail at all cost, at all sides, and at all tries. 

I love my children. I'm just not a natural born nurturer. I'm very quiet, not patient and very discipline. 

I live in BSD and spend at least 3-5 hours daily going to work and coming home. This alone drains me. Not to mention if i'm having a bad day or simply have a lot on my plate. Combine this with my impatient nature, my kids get a very short tempered mom.

Sometimes when i'm dead tired, i secretly hope that my kids have gone to sleep when i arrive home. When they do, i miss them and i feel horrible for not seeing them.

Lately, well almost 5 months now, there are just too much work, everyday. And for the last couple of days i've been very tired and work always make it to my dreams and gave me chilling nightmares. Just last night i dreamt of armageddon over and over again. First i was crying deep in anguish and pain while trying to get a hold of my sister on the phone. It seems Tsunami or great massive flood is coming and i'm desperately trying to find my sister. I woke up with tears and heavy chest. Then somehow fell back to sleep and the dream restart. This time i'm walking in Sudirman area when suddenly the ground beneath my feet just fell off. i fell deep into the earth with massive land on top of me. I was not dead. I was buried alive. Then i woke up in panic and somehow was so tired and went back to sleep. This time i was not sure where i was. I was carrying Bey, walking, and got a phone call from my husband. Saying he is somewhere underground, with no way out and sick with indigestion and he said he will die soon. And just at that moment suddenly we all saw a big wall of water, like the ones you see in 2012 movie. And we all were going to die. And then i woke up again and stay awake.

I have been having dreams like this a lot. I dreamt of loss and death and armageddon. So i am sleep deprived. On top of this, Andrew's final is coming. I've been teaching him a lot but he's.... Challenging. To say the least. I made him worksheets so he can practice, but all he does is daydream. He looks at the paper and do nothing. When we sit next to him and test him, he can do it. He just does't want to do it.

Yes he has learning difficulties, he's been on therapy for almost 18 months now. But it seems lately he went backwards. The only reason that can cause this is computer games or graphic games. Even the most simple babyish ipad games. But he's been game-sterile for 18 months. Or  at least, as far as my husband and i know. 

*sigh*

He might play at his friends' house. I never consider this, because, i assume he would never disobey us. But, he's getting bigger now. The temptation to play could be too much to handle. But things thats harmless to other kids is damaging for andrew. He can't even do 2-2 = .... 

I'm not dramatizing. As i am writing this, my husband is teaching him math, and i heard him said, "come one andrew, 2-2 is what?" And i heard no reply from andrew.

People don't understand how hard it is to get Andrew back on track. He's only allowed to play lego and puzzle. Because  they made him focus and does not day dream or get distracted, while graphic games over stimulate his brain and makes him unable to focus on anything at all.

And when all he does is day dream, i can't just, not lose it. After 4 days of getting no hint of progress, i gave up and my husband took over. I told you i'm not a good mom. A good mom will never give up. Will be poised. Will be able to inspire her child to want to do more. I'm not a good mom.

I thought motherhood isn't going to be like this. I thought i will be a wise mom, and i will always be patient, and can always talk some sense into my kids. I thought there will never be a need for raised voice, or unreasonable anger. Because i thought, that i can always talk to my kids, i can always make them understand.

How wrong i was. Kids are not adults. They don't understand. They don't have any drive or sense of responsibility, no matter how you train them. Just because they will tidy up their things (responsible), does not mean they feel the need to do their homework on their own. When you guilt-trip them, they don't feel guilty. Simply put, they don't work they way i thought they would. And sadly, they did not came out of my womb with any manual. Same goes for my daughters. Each of them, have their own quirks and "challenges" and i was meant to learn about them with no clue whatsoever.

I'm not a good mother. But i try to be. Still trying. I'm blessed with a husband who is also a very competent father. Together, we'll figure out this parenting thing. Or maybe we wont. Who knows.

How to break it gently?

Sometimes, i really want to ask my above -22 year old readers, "Have you ever considered you are getting too old to read Gogirl?"

Because, that's the truth. 

It's not that they can't enjoy Gogirl when they are over 22. It's just that, when they start to ask for simpler layout, or less colorful, or asked the font to be simpler or more readable (dude this alone is a sign of aging), or ask that the articles go even deeper, the fashion to be less colorfull and more sophisticated. Then, we can't fullfill this.

Gogirl is staying young. Forever 15-20. While our readers are getting older, growing, moving forward. So the older ones say, "Why Gogirl isn't as good as it used to?" (Back when they were a little bit younger)

People, specially girls, are most easily offended, or shall we say, most in denial, when it comes to age or aging. But, alas! The media is for 15-20 year old girls. 22 Tops.

People don't realize what few years can bring to preferences. Example, were we the same person when we were in junior high and in senior high? They were only 3 years apart, but how much did we change in that few years alone?

It's not that we can't handle to be criticized, but we are befuddled when non-target market are asking for things and we can't fullfil them. How do we say, "It's not that we are not interesting anymore, it's just that we don't interest you anymore." 

Everything we wrote, we have to rewrite. Because every few years we have to push the reset button. The articles needs to be rewritten for the ones who just turned 15. Who just started reading Gogirl. The older readers then would feel, "but i knew that, seen that already. How come nothing is new?". While actually, everything is new for the new generation. The design is current. The font is trending, the color palette are the colors of the season. Everything was planned and put together carefully. 

So, can you read Gogirl or gogirlmagz.com after you are 22? Yes. But, if you start to feel that things are just too loud, unreadable, too much of anything, nothing felt new, or you want the articles to go deeper, and if you crave simpler and refine things, then, i hate to break it to you, "I think, you are getting too old to read Gogirl, sister."

Whattaday!

11 March, it seems is always destined to be historic. 

Soon as i entered the office, work was waiting. Anita and i had to brief a newbie on her first day. It didn't take long but we had other things on our schedule and was running late. 

At 11.00 We had our business coaching with Action Coach South Jakarta. It was a gruelling session. We were asked what potential problem that we might be facing in the next 2 weeks. Sometimes in these sessions we got into heated debates. Because our coach normally ask questions and we cant avoid them. So some frustrations that was probably unspoken, surfaced in those sessions. Last session was like that. We are going through a massive change in our company, and the change has a deadline. March 27th. As it draws near, our tension rise. I mean in the past 2 weeks alone, i have had at least 1 person everyday, coming to my office wanting to resign. Including Anita & Larry. So yes, it is that frustrating. 

But i'm a veteran in this field. Leading change, dealing with stressed people, crying people, mad out of their skull people.

So, by far, i can handle it. But, at coaching session, well, that's another story. 

I was still trying to get my head straight when the session was over. Gotta run to St.John Meruya. Andrew's admission test is at 14.30 and we had arrange a rendezvous with him at Mega Kebon Jeruk. Hunger took us over, so we made a quick stop at Subscribe. Ate in a flash and off. 

Andrew was suspiciously warm. I have a feeling he's coming down with throat infection but he seems to not fret at all. I thought, i could be just paranoid. 

Anyway, he was taken to the library to do his test, while my husband and i was interviewed in another room. I was pleasantly surprised. They were thorough. They ask what kind of child is Andrew? Does he respond to flattery or encouragement? Does he have any learning difficulties? Is he in therapy? Is he on any treatment or medication? What kind of things he's interested in? Is he more verbal or quiet? Is he inherently shy? Does he ever had any trouble making friends? I like that they took the time to get to know the kid and ask what's normally work for him.

Ah, time flies, and we must proceed to St. Mikael Church. We have to attend the mass in preparation of Freija's baptizm. We were hungry, tired, and sleepy. But this is compulsory. So we braced ourselves to "jet off" to the next Galaxy, known as Bekasi. 

We were late. And instead of running toward the church, i took another minute to.. umm take some pictures ;p 

Anyhow, we were fortunate that the procession did not take very long. But we have to hurry along to BSD. It was 18.10 and Githa is going to have a c-section at 21.00

You guessed it, we didn't reach the hospital on time. Githa was just pulled into the OR when we got there. 

While we were waiting. I thought about my entire day. BSD-Kantor-Belleza-Meruya-Bekasi-BSD. So tired. 

2 Hours later, the prince arrive. My newborn nephew Nioka Sadali Elmesa cried loud and clear. I can't ask for a more beautiful end of the day. I cried a little, seeing my baby sister, turned into a mother.

Thank You God. For this beautiful day.

School Hunting

The tittle said it all. As the moving date to our new home drawing nearer, it's time for me to find new school for Andrew & Noelle. The task is daunting. My husband wanted the kids to be schooled in english environment, but he wants the school to be grounded (good mix between all social class), discipline, minimum top 20 in jakarta selatan or jakarta barat, and it can not be outragiously expensive.

Impossible? Well as a high D person, i love a challenge. So there i was, searching, to the corners of internet jungle for a list. List of the best elementary school in jakarta selatan & jakarta barat. 

What i found over and over again is a list of the best school based on their accreditation score. Which does not mean much for me. We wanted school with proven healthy environment & achievement (in academic & extracurricular thingy). We don't care much with facility. I mean, better teachers & driven friends are better than better facility. At least for us. 

At last! I found a list of elementary school scores on the last UN result! Eureka! :D

This list, of course shows only the school academic success. But then it made it easier for me to cross-reference it with my husband's requirements. I highlighted the ones i'm familiar with. Google a lot of school locations, made some calls to the ones near to our new home.

Finally it came down to 2 options. St.John Meruya or Permata Harapan Joglo for Andrew. Because both nearest to our home, english based, great-good academic & non academic achievements, good social class mix, and most importantly, AFFORDABLE!

Most english based school charge tuition fee in the range of 3,5-12 mio per month Development fee? They range from 12 mio to 120mio. All not including books, uniform, projects & extracurricular fees.

SD permata harapan ask 21 mio for development fee, 2,1mio tuition fee. St.John ask for 9 mio development fee, and 1,880 mio tuition fee. All not including books, uniform, projects & extracurricular fees. 

St.John is our first choice, because they are better in overall achievements, yet cheaper, aaand, Andrew is from St.John BSD, so he will be very familiar with St.John's curriculum. It's just, the route to st.john is potentially very jammed in the morning. 

For Noelle, i have my heart set on ISMILE in Belleza Permata Hijau. Unfortunately my wallet isn't in agreement with my heart. They charge 1200 Usd development fee (have to be paid every year!) plus 1200 usd tuition fee (for 3 months). *sad*

For Andrew, i don't feel bad choosing St.John, because it really is a good school, they just happen to be cheap too. But for Noelle, i feel guilty if i don't send her to ISMILE and have several Chanels & Louboutins in my closet. I argued with my husband, that 1 bag can finance Noelle's school for 1 year! I would rather sell the bags than send her to other school (drama ensued). 

My husband then asked, "what would you give for Freija then? Wont this conversation be repeated in 3 years? And remember, at that time we need to prepare for Andrew's Junior High fees etc. Will you then sell all your designer things for international schools? Can't you find schools like st.john for Noelle & Freija?"

*sigh*

To be honest, i kind of like Kinderfield in Joglo. Ruby goes to that school, and Anita sent her there based on my recommendation. It's a good school, i went there, did trials 2 years ago, even nearer to our house than Ismile & St.John. It asked only 6mio development fee and 1,5 tuition fee. Much cheaper than Ismile. I just... Feel so much guilt.

I berate my self, "Why aren't you doing everything you can for Noelle?"

Then i heard my dad's voice in my head. It's a memory of one conversation we had in the past.

"Nin, i didn't send you to the best and expensive school didn't i? At the time, everyone was sending their kids to Gandhi or JIS, but i didn't. I sent you to the best school that i can afford, and look how you and your sister turned out."

I understand that. I guess. Looking back, Tarakanita was a very discipline school. They did a lot of character building, that i can still identify in my character right now. I guess, how my sisters and i turned out also relied heavily on our parents values. school shaped our way of thinking. Our parents shaped our will, intentions and our hearts. 

I can't just choose the best school and be done with it. But, am i a bad mother if i send them to less expensive school? Does my intense participation in their education enough to compansate the (school quality) difference? 

I don't know. I still can't shake the guilt. But i have to make the decision today. 

Eternal Youth

If you look at that picture (taken earlier today). How old do you think i am?

Most people think that i'm in my late 20s, mostly say 28. Well, actually i'm going to be 36 in August this year.

*shock* ?

I normally hate the number of my age. No matter how many books i read about what a blessing getting older is, i'm still terrified of this process. I heard i'm going to still feel this way until i reach my sixties. 

It is such a bleak future to gaze upon, if i, like most women choose to go down that road of denial. Even so, it's still the path that i'm drawn to. Like a moth to the flame and so forth, i feel the pull to hating the aging process is stronger than the path of gracefull acceptance.

That being said, i do sometimes hated the way that most people (well, most older people) in the industry still literally call me "anak ingusan". I mean, "seriously?"

I dragged the times i have to say that i am actually 35, a mother of 3, with more than 14 years of entrepreneurial experiences. Only when i introduces my self that way, then the energy in the room will shift. After the usual, "What? Really?" the men will then stared blankly, and the women made obvious mental note to ask my beauty regimes later. But after that moment passed, then the discussion become very different. I'll be seen and talked to as equals. Not as the new kid, who's only there for the food.

So, at this point, i don't know whether i wanna be eternally young (i do I DO! - heart) (shut up, you are not making sense!-head). I mean, yeah, i wanna always look 22 (face, body, umm specially boobs), have the energy of a 22 too, but i want the respect people gave to 42 year old woman, forever. I'd say, that's wishfull thinking, but i don't believe in impossibility anymore. 

So, we'll see.

Halfway there

I think success is weird. When you first got your big break, your people will first congratulate you, be genuinely happy for you. But then, you escalate even more, then you start to see them disappear. People you don't know start to name drop your name. People you never met claim to know you. Sometimes, i would see an old friend that was one of my big supporter in the beginning, but now become quite bitter with my success. i wonder. I wonder. My success is really nothing compare to a lot of other's and i wonder. What it's like for them? Sometimes, this simple things made me feel like i don't want to be more than i am right now. But, i know too much, that God wanted me to create more than this, to be more, to give more, to serve more. 

I am generally a brave person. But time and time again, i have to admit, that many times i don't take on more opportunities because i know i'm going to do so well with it, and it will make me more successful and wealthy someday. I am afraid that people will isolate me. I am afraid to find out, wether it really is lonely at the top. 

Baby Weight Blues

Ok, first of all, i need to update that i am currently 22 weeks pregnant and already weighted 60kg. Before you say, "of that's okay, you are pregnant" or whatever, let's remember that i'm a hobbit. I am only 148cm in height. So i look like a tween model in 38kg, a normal asian person in 45kg. Overweight in 50kg, and in 60kg? Well... A baby orca whale without the cuteness factor.

I'm constantly bugging my husband with the question all males hate, "do i look fat?". I know it's starting to get to him, but this is our 3rd baby, so he's very well trained in this area. He knows what expression to post on his face, which gesture, and what to say. I'm grateful that this time arround he even succesfully made me laugh several times even though i was in my most sullen moods. 

But that only lead to me being too dependent on him. I can't be happy unless he's arround. Correction, i can't be at ease when he's not near. It bugs the crap out of me when he wakes up before i do and go downstairs for coffee. Pregnancy is weird. 

It doesnt help that the last time i was pregnant, i was already in my 37 week in this weight. I keep feeling my legs aching and getting in and out of a car is hell. And i'm only 22 weeks, 16 more to go. Which means i could be a teen whale by the time i gave birth to my third angel. 

Don't get me wrong. I loooove my kids. I'm quite excited to meet my third baby. I just dreaded the pregnant phase. It made me feel bad for saying that for so many reasons. But, it's hard to feel chirpy and bubbly when i feel ugly and heavy, and no clothes can fit me. 

Before my sister had her babies, i was miserable only because my first pregnancy was trully hard. I was still in all-day sickness mode up to my 30th week. But when Anita got pregnant, she was not only still pretty, she was also still very skinny. To this day if you look at her, you wouldn't believe she's 32 and have 2 kids. If you don't belive me, check out her instagram page @anita_moran. Life's unfair.

I read somewhere that if you used to be a fat kid, and then you eat right and excercise and lost all those weight, it will still take years for your self image to catch up with you physic. So you will still feel you are the fat kid, even though you are not anymore. I wonder if that's the same with the process of getting older. Because i still feel like i'm 22 and weighted 43kg. The problem is, what i see in the mirror is conflicted with my self image. I think that's probably i made so much fuss. 

in my last coaching session, our coach shared the cause of all misery. Our ideal is not the same as our reality. That's how we became angry or depressed. In this case then i say, that theory is spot on! They say to escape anger and depression we gotta change our habit and mindset. The easiest thing i should do is, think happy thoughts.

Oh well, this is what happened when i don't work. I overthink things when i should be resting. I should go to mom&jo to have my achy body & feet massaged. Or go to heaven (it's books & beyond in karawaci), or sleep, or go to alam sutera and immersed my self in cotton on kids departement. Soon IKEA will open nearby, and i get to go there anytime i want to. 

Now that, is a very happy thought indeed.