Manouvers

Despite the many ups and down that we have faced in the last 11 years building Gogirl, i never get used to the sickness in my stomach, whenever i know that chalenging time is ahead.

We just received a letter from Dirjen Pajak, replying to our plea. They denied it. And that, obviously is a very gloomy letter. This year has been a very good year, but our profits is sucked away to pay our taxes. In april alone we had to pay so much money for tax. Every time i remember how much, i really want to cry. 

Things that many entrepreneurs tend to neglect are taxations. Mainly because, we didn't think that our little business can actually be big someday. As we thrive, we forget to be dilligent in book keeping and taxations. In 2009, we lost a lot of invoice and documentations, both soft copy and hard copies. So when the government asked about our reports, we lost a lot of the documentations.

I remember that day, a year ago. I wish i could say that it was a grey rainy day. So that i can give you the right background, the right ambiance, when i heard for the first time, that i, 9 months pregnant and all, could be going to jail, because of taxation. 

Stressed? To say the least. All this taxation mess is of course our own doing. We hated talking about accounting and tax and didn't pay enough attention about the whole thing. You might say, "but you are in business for a decade now, how could you not know or not take care of taxations?"

But that's the truth. I was that careless. I was that stupid. I signed documents in the past without reading or caring what i was signing. It all changed in 2012-2013. But the times before that, it was black hole of mess.

Now, the carelessness in the past has come forward as consequence. We had to pay. The taxes that we owed the government plus 100% fine. So we have been paying and paying every month. I feel like the government is taking all the money we earned with blood, sweat, tears and major dramas. I'm trying not to be depressed right now.

.......

I know it's my fault. I have changed. But the consequence of the past is still and will still be turning the unicorn, ice creams, and rainbows in my head into a grey, unmoving wallpaper. Yeah, normaly my world (in my head) is mostly willy wonka meet cloudy with a chance of meatball 2, very animated, and colorful. They are very still and very grey right now.

Anyway, i don't have the luxury to be depressed. Tomorrow is andrew's birthday, and i have to run errands. Maybe i'll sneak in some MFB before coaching. Oh right, i have coaching today. Sometimes coaching is almost like theraphy too. And i'm thankful for that.

Here goes another day. Up and about, Nin!

To my children

My dear children, this is a letter for your future self. For you to read when you are 12, 15, 17, 20, 22, 26, 30.

My dearests, 

Never live your lives to make me proud. That goal is too easy. I am your mom, and there are things that you do that can make me angry or sad, but i will always be proud of you guys. All of you. I am your first and biggest fan. That's why making me proud should not be the goal of your life. 

You see, from the moment you open your eyes, the moment you showed me you gummy smile, the times you tried to sit yourself, or crawl, or stand, i was and will always be in awe. Your every tiny accomplishments brought tears to my eyes. I was proud of you and i can't believe you are my children. I feel so blessed just by seeing the times you stumble and fall and try again. 

I also don't care about what you choose to be your profession. As long as you always try to be the best at it. As long as you work hard, and do your work with dignity and integrity, and if what you do makes you happy, then go ahead. 

If there's ever anything that i hope for you is to live your lives to the fullest. Be accountable and generous. You are beautiful and full of potential and therefor it is our job in this earth to realized them. Thats what living your lives with a purpose meant. 

Never do anything for money and status (even as simple as doing something just to look cool), and stay away from people who do. Instead, Do what you love, success will follow. Believe in yourselves, because your potential comes from the highest power of all. God. So, in your lowest low, and toughest time, always bring your struggle, pain and doubt to God. I am merely your cheerleader in this world, but God is the one and only that you ever really need both in joyous and trying times.

Be grateful, always. Because a grateful heart can turned everything around, gave you perspectives, strenght, warmth, and happiness. 

Do kind things to everyone, even though people judge you and are mean to you. What they say and do only showed their character, and what we say and do showed ours. It is okay to be sad and hurt, but never let anything or anyone ruin who you are, and who you can be. Pray. Ask for strength, so that no matter what, we can be generous, honest, and do exceptionally good things.

Make time for people who love you and waste no time for anything or anyone that does not grow you or make you happy. Respect and appreciate people no matter what their social status are, and stay away from people who are not genuinely nice to the unfortunate. 

Be humble my dearests, above all, be humble and loving. It's okay to be proud of your accomplishment but we can only be good at several things. We can be better than people in a few things. But we can't be good at everything. We can be the best chef in the world but really stupid when it comes to driving. We can be a genius negotiator but know nothing about design. You see, everyone is to be honored and appreciated because we all play our roles that made this world complete. We are not better than anyone, because we are suppossed to learn from, teach, and experience each other. 

One more thing my dearest, know that i love you. You will know how much when you have children of your own. That's when you trully know that i love you, beyond this time and space. No matter what, no matter when. I love you. 

Now go, and live your lives.

I'm so proud of my husband!

You know, you'd be surprise how little we hear about married couple boasting about their spouse. The longer the marriage, the rarer it is you hear genuine compliments about people's other half. 

Not talking about : "she's kind", "a good mother to my children" or "he's just a family man", kind of compliments. But the stuff that made you see why she or he married the-supposedly-love of their lives. 

So this time i'm gonna tell the world why. 

Today, my husband told me a work story. He said, "i just fired someone today. Or rather, i threw him out." 

At first i wasn't paying attention. But then i put down my phone and ask.

"Who?"

"One of the freelancers."

"What happened?"

"He made very rude comments about the sales promotion girls that we are going to hire."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he's one of XXXX crew, and he's suppossed to be the coordinators of the SPGs. As he was calling out the girls, he started making comments. Ok 2 million will be okay for this group."

I didn't get it. But it felt offensive in a way.

My husband then elaborate, "That's how some men talk, when they talk about prostitutes. Like that's how much these girls worth."

My jaw dropped. Speachless.

He continued.

"It was in the middle of a briefing so, even though i felt like throwing my laptop to his face, i said nothing. But then, after, i heard him continue this by trying to get other men join in on his jokes. So i called xxxx, and told her i don't want him in this project. Xxxx said it was just a joke. So i told her, either you fired him or i fired you and your whole crew."

I was bewildered. Shocked. I can't imagine what i would say if i were there. I would definitely won't  be as collected as my husband. I would definitely put that guy in his place! And i would definitely scolded the woman who's in charge of the guy. Seriously? it's bad enough that the guy is verbally harassing girls in public, the woman who brought him in thought it was okay for him to do that. Jeez! When i get back to work, i will renew our contract draft with everyone we work with. Strictly no harrasment tolerated. That woman is going to hear from me for sure!

Anyway. My husband then, said, "I didn't fire him in public but after i talked to xxxx, i apologized to the girls. I made HR talked and apologizes to the girls as well. Although the man was not our employee, but he's our Event Organizer's crew, so, i still feel obligated to say sorry."

Ladies and gentlemen, that's my husband. Maybe some men will do nothing, or probably just scolded the guy. He threw him out of the project, and threatened  to fire his boss if she does not comply. This has deeper merit than it already is. The project is on, starting tonight! So the fact that he's willing to risk having to go on this project alone without our event organizers and their freelancers, that's crazy and totally ballsy!  I have so much respect for him!

So yeah, i beamed and told him straight, "i'm very proud of you!"

I really am.

A woman should be

I'm so bored with this manifesto. 

In my mind, i can do whatever i want no matter what my gender is. Including if i am transgender.

I think we should forget about gender battle or gender support altogether. We just fight for human right. Period. No more profiling, no more prejudice, no more all these nonsense.

We have forgotten our humanity. We have! Why else do we do what we do? We have forgotten about compassion. Otherwise why is the world the way it is now? 

The biggest sickness in this world is the crave for power and thirst for admiration. We lack everything else.

Also our mentality that always wants to blame and make all kinds of excuses worsen just about every aspect of our lives. What's even sadder? We are in DENIAL about it.

It's time to be accountable. It's time to do. It's time to change. it's time to move. grow, enhance, advance. 

It is time.

I'm not a good mother

Seriously. I'm not.

Not just saying that to fish for complement or sympathy. 

I mean, i try to be, but i fail at all cost, at all sides, and at all tries. 

I love my children. I'm just not a natural born nurturer. I'm very quiet, not patient and very discipline. 

I live in BSD and spend at least 3-5 hours daily going to work and coming home. This alone drains me. Not to mention if i'm having a bad day or simply have a lot on my plate. Combine this with my impatient nature, my kids get a very short tempered mom.

Sometimes when i'm dead tired, i secretly hope that my kids have gone to sleep when i arrive home. When they do, i miss them and i feel horrible for not seeing them.

Lately, well almost 5 months now, there are just too much work, everyday. And for the last couple of days i've been very tired and work always make it to my dreams and gave me chilling nightmares. Just last night i dreamt of armageddon over and over again. First i was crying deep in anguish and pain while trying to get a hold of my sister on the phone. It seems Tsunami or great massive flood is coming and i'm desperately trying to find my sister. I woke up with tears and heavy chest. Then somehow fell back to sleep and the dream restart. This time i'm walking in Sudirman area when suddenly the ground beneath my feet just fell off. i fell deep into the earth with massive land on top of me. I was not dead. I was buried alive. Then i woke up in panic and somehow was so tired and went back to sleep. This time i was not sure where i was. I was carrying Bey, walking, and got a phone call from my husband. Saying he is somewhere underground, with no way out and sick with indigestion and he said he will die soon. And just at that moment suddenly we all saw a big wall of water, like the ones you see in 2012 movie. And we all were going to die. And then i woke up again and stay awake.

I have been having dreams like this a lot. I dreamt of loss and death and armageddon. So i am sleep deprived. On top of this, Andrew's final is coming. I've been teaching him a lot but he's.... Challenging. To say the least. I made him worksheets so he can practice, but all he does is daydream. He looks at the paper and do nothing. When we sit next to him and test him, he can do it. He just does't want to do it.

Yes he has learning difficulties, he's been on therapy for almost 18 months now. But it seems lately he went backwards. The only reason that can cause this is computer games or graphic games. Even the most simple babyish ipad games. But he's been game-sterile for 18 months. Or  at least, as far as my husband and i know. 

*sigh*

He might play at his friends' house. I never consider this, because, i assume he would never disobey us. But, he's getting bigger now. The temptation to play could be too much to handle. But things thats harmless to other kids is damaging for andrew. He can't even do 2-2 = .... 

I'm not dramatizing. As i am writing this, my husband is teaching him math, and i heard him said, "come one andrew, 2-2 is what?" And i heard no reply from andrew.

People don't understand how hard it is to get Andrew back on track. He's only allowed to play lego and puzzle. Because  they made him focus and does not day dream or get distracted, while graphic games over stimulate his brain and makes him unable to focus on anything at all.

And when all he does is day dream, i can't just, not lose it. After 4 days of getting no hint of progress, i gave up and my husband took over. I told you i'm not a good mom. A good mom will never give up. Will be poised. Will be able to inspire her child to want to do more. I'm not a good mom.

I thought motherhood isn't going to be like this. I thought i will be a wise mom, and i will always be patient, and can always talk some sense into my kids. I thought there will never be a need for raised voice, or unreasonable anger. Because i thought, that i can always talk to my kids, i can always make them understand.

How wrong i was. Kids are not adults. They don't understand. They don't have any drive or sense of responsibility, no matter how you train them. Just because they will tidy up their things (responsible), does not mean they feel the need to do their homework on their own. When you guilt-trip them, they don't feel guilty. Simply put, they don't work they way i thought they would. And sadly, they did not came out of my womb with any manual. Same goes for my daughters. Each of them, have their own quirks and "challenges" and i was meant to learn about them with no clue whatsoever.

I'm not a good mother. But i try to be. Still trying. I'm blessed with a husband who is also a very competent father. Together, we'll figure out this parenting thing. Or maybe we wont. Who knows.

How to break it gently?

Sometimes, i really want to ask my above -22 year old readers, "Have you ever considered you are getting too old to read Gogirl?"

Because, that's the truth. 

It's not that they can't enjoy Gogirl when they are over 22. It's just that, when they start to ask for simpler layout, or less colorful, or asked the font to be simpler or more readable (dude this alone is a sign of aging), or ask that the articles go even deeper, the fashion to be less colorfull and more sophisticated. Then, we can't fullfill this.

Gogirl is staying young. Forever 15-20. While our readers are getting older, growing, moving forward. So the older ones say, "Why Gogirl isn't as good as it used to?" (Back when they were a little bit younger)

People, specially girls, are most easily offended, or shall we say, most in denial, when it comes to age or aging. But, alas! The media is for 15-20 year old girls. 22 Tops.

People don't realize what few years can bring to preferences. Example, were we the same person when we were in junior high and in senior high? They were only 3 years apart, but how much did we change in that few years alone?

It's not that we can't handle to be criticized, but we are befuddled when non-target market are asking for things and we can't fullfil them. How do we say, "It's not that we are not interesting anymore, it's just that we don't interest you anymore." 

Everything we wrote, we have to rewrite. Because every few years we have to push the reset button. The articles needs to be rewritten for the ones who just turned 15. Who just started reading Gogirl. The older readers then would feel, "but i knew that, seen that already. How come nothing is new?". While actually, everything is new for the new generation. The design is current. The font is trending, the color palette are the colors of the season. Everything was planned and put together carefully. 

So, can you read Gogirl or gogirlmagz.com after you are 22? Yes. But, if you start to feel that things are just too loud, unreadable, too much of anything, nothing felt new, or you want the articles to go deeper, and if you crave simpler and refine things, then, i hate to break it to you, "I think, you are getting too old to read Gogirl, sister."

Whattaday!

11 March, it seems is always destined to be historic. 

Soon as i entered the office, work was waiting. Anita and i had to brief a newbie on her first day. It didn't take long but we had other things on our schedule and was running late. 

At 11.00 We had our business coaching with Action Coach South Jakarta. It was a gruelling session. We were asked what potential problem that we might be facing in the next 2 weeks. Sometimes in these sessions we got into heated debates. Because our coach normally ask questions and we cant avoid them. So some frustrations that was probably unspoken, surfaced in those sessions. Last session was like that. We are going through a massive change in our company, and the change has a deadline. March 27th. As it draws near, our tension rise. I mean in the past 2 weeks alone, i have had at least 1 person everyday, coming to my office wanting to resign. Including Anita & Larry. So yes, it is that frustrating. 

But i'm a veteran in this field. Leading change, dealing with stressed people, crying people, mad out of their skull people.

So, by far, i can handle it. But, at coaching session, well, that's another story. 

I was still trying to get my head straight when the session was over. Gotta run to St.John Meruya. Andrew's admission test is at 14.30 and we had arrange a rendezvous with him at Mega Kebon Jeruk. Hunger took us over, so we made a quick stop at Subscribe. Ate in a flash and off. 

Andrew was suspiciously warm. I have a feeling he's coming down with throat infection but he seems to not fret at all. I thought, i could be just paranoid. 

Anyway, he was taken to the library to do his test, while my husband and i was interviewed in another room. I was pleasantly surprised. They were thorough. They ask what kind of child is Andrew? Does he respond to flattery or encouragement? Does he have any learning difficulties? Is he in therapy? Is he on any treatment or medication? What kind of things he's interested in? Is he more verbal or quiet? Is he inherently shy? Does he ever had any trouble making friends? I like that they took the time to get to know the kid and ask what's normally work for him.

Ah, time flies, and we must proceed to St. Mikael Church. We have to attend the mass in preparation of Freija's baptizm. We were hungry, tired, and sleepy. But this is compulsory. So we braced ourselves to "jet off" to the next Galaxy, known as Bekasi. 

We were late. And instead of running toward the church, i took another minute to.. umm take some pictures ;p 

Anyhow, we were fortunate that the procession did not take very long. But we have to hurry along to BSD. It was 18.10 and Githa is going to have a c-section at 21.00

You guessed it, we didn't reach the hospital on time. Githa was just pulled into the OR when we got there. 

While we were waiting. I thought about my entire day. BSD-Kantor-Belleza-Meruya-Bekasi-BSD. So tired. 

2 Hours later, the prince arrive. My newborn nephew Nioka Sadali Elmesa cried loud and clear. I can't ask for a more beautiful end of the day. I cried a little, seeing my baby sister, turned into a mother.

Thank You God. For this beautiful day.