Thank you, but no (comment) thank you.

Came across postingannya Sarah Sechan waktu liburan. Dia pake baju renang one piece tapi keliatannya kaya pake bikini. Trus ada followernya yg komentar "hobinya pake bikini kalo ke pantai?" Trus si follower ini kena omel banyak orang karena di komen-komen yang lain dia bilang "ini indonesia, adat ketimurannya masih tinggi, ada banyak baju renang yg lebih sopan." 

Terus intinya masing-masing ada yang bela.

Aku jadi keinget temen orang Singapore yang bilang kenapa sih orang Indonesia ngurusin orang banget. Tadinya aku ga ngeh, tapi kalo liat case ini & suka liat gimana teman2ku yang muslimah berhijab aja suka di bully karena dibilang kurang syar'i dll, ya berarti bener juga ya... Orang Indonesia terlalu ngurusin hidup orang lain.

Jadi mikir juga, kalo gitu, gimana dong supaya hidup kita nggak dikomen & diurusin sama orang lain? Apa artinya kita nggak boleh punya pilihan hidup sendiri? Apa artinya kita nggak usah punya sosmed? Apa beneran akhirnya kita ciptain persona buat sisi-sisi kehidupan yang sebaiknya kita share? bukan fake, tapi hmm udah di edit. 

Buat aku, melelahkan banget managing image supaya sesuai norma orang. Plus sebenernya aku juga rada ga terima kalo apa yang aku post harus selalu proper, eye candy, minimalis atau justru extravagant. I can't live my life faux-candid, pouty, and always in low saturation.

Itu makanya aku merasa, aku mulai nggak relevan sama jaman ini. Aku ga peduli banget orang mikir apa soal aku. Menurut aku, sisi nggak bagus dari hal ini adalah, aku ga peduli aku keren apa engga menurut org lain. aku cuma peduli aku keren apa engga menurut standar aku sendiri. Dan standar aku sendiri itu nggak keren banget buat standar jaman sekarang.

The thing is, banyak banget orang merasa berkewajiban negur orang lain yang dianggap ga syar'i atau ga sesuai ajaran agama masing-masing. Padahal kenal aja engga. Walau dasar pemikirannya bisa dimengerti, tapi mungkin kecuali yang ditegur anak kita/kakak atau adik, aku ngerasa kita sebetulnya nggak punya hak menegur apalagi nyindir. Itu juga sebaiknya nggak dilakukan di ranah sepublik komen sosmed. Mungkin kalo kita ga setuju sama personality/pendapat/post orang yaa unfriend/unfollow aja. Our values are our own, our opinions are our own. Just because we can voice our mind, doesn't mean we should voice it over everything, every time.

Having said that, dari sisi yang posting, mungkin kita perlu lebih nyortir follower kita ngga? Tapi susah sih, secara, hari gini follower banyak bisa ngasih power of influence yang ujung-ujungnya bisa dikaryakan. 

Susah ya hidup di jaman internet. Mungkin kita punya 2 akun aja kali ya? Yg satu real & ga terbuka buat umum. Yang satu lagi yg buat showcase portfolio kita. Atau bisa juga, kalau kita lagi nggak kepengen dikomen kita tulis di caption, "Dengan tidak mengurangi rasa hormat, kami tidak menerima komen dalam bentuk sindiran, teguran, atau celaan. Kami menerima dengan senang hati, masukan berupa uang tunai, atau transferan, atau bisa juga pulsa hp atau pulsa listrik. Tengkyu."

Ribed banget idup di 2015, gimana 2065 ntar ya wkwkwkwkwk 

I'm optimistic, Ga.

Said my sister, Anita.

Then i said, "somehow, me too." But right after, i question myself. "Wait, what? How i can feel this way?" I searched. I can find a pang of lost, and sadness. But there it was. Hope. I'm hopeful. How strange. 

Just a few days ago, i had a panic attack. I sobbed. I threw up violently in the toilet. I hid under my table, gasping for air. I can't breathe. The last time i had this kind of ordeal was in 2006. Even back then, i didn't have it this bad. But back then, i was single. I did not have much to loose. 

What happened? 

Well, money. I'm facing a grim possibility. I owe the government taxes. A lot. 

In previous post i mention that our plea for elimination of fine was denied. To be precise, we were given liniency, but the amount that we have to pay is still a lot. Too much. And we really don't have the resources to pay them. 

Just a few days ago, i got a screen capture chat from my husband. Basically, letting me know, the officers decided to foreclose our assets. They said because we have not paid. But the truth is. We paid, in installment. Every month, except, the month when we have to pay SPT 2015. But i know, what we have paid is still a lot less than what we have to. 

"What do this mean?" I asked my husband. 

He said, "It means. We should sell our cars, our house, everything." 

.....

In Anita's office, we sat. Trying to figure out what to do. But at that time, i felt like my sisters did not gave the discussion the proper attention that it needed. I got frustrated, and to make matters worse, Githa yelled at me. Here i was, about to lose my car, and my house, and they did not care, or offer to make the same sacrifice, and to top it all of, yelled at me?  I teared up, and left the room.

As i made my way down to my own office, i felt a panic attack was building. I can't breathe, i'm angry, i feel water in my throat, nose, and eyes. I am about to sob, and i hated my self. My head kept yelling, "Get it together! Get it together!". But the voice dissapeared as i struggled to breathe. The more i tried to gain control, the more my body shake with anger. As if my body is angry with my mind for not letting it vent.

So i ended up under my big CEO table, crying. About a few seconds or minutes later, i started to feel nauseated. Ran to the bathroom, sat on my knees and vomit. All the while, the voice in my head returned, throwing jabs of insults. "Stop it! Stop it! You are not taking this cooly." And as my head said that, my body stop vomiting. But, the stomach still contracting. Like it still trying to get some stuff out, but nothing did. It's just making my stomach muscles cramped, and it hurt. After that, i went back to my room and sit under the table again. 

I don't know how long i was there until my husband found me. I was not embarrassed. I was too dizzy and exhausted. He called my sisters, and they all sounded horrified to find me there. I can sense that they think i was being too dramatic. 

I told them to just leave me alone. But they moved from crouching to sitting. Cross legged. That's when i know, they will not leave until i explain myself. So i did. 

Anita then said, "I think, we all are just in a state of panic."

I said, "I am. I am panicking. But what made it worse was that, i don't see you guys panicking too. Like you don't feel the seriousness of this problem. Like it has not sink in." 

........

Anita sighed and broke the silent, "You are right. We are not. That's because, we thought this is just another problem, it'll be over soon."

Githa add, "Yes, Ga. And we kinda feel, you'll figure it out. You always do. You always made things turned out alright. You kinda always find a way out for us. So, we..."

"We just don't feel, what you are feeling. And that's not right." Anita added.

"Why is it, you and Kak Larry had to be the one who loses everything?" Githa asked.

"I offered everything i owned because, it's automatic for me. I've been your sister for 36 years and i just felt protective. Of you guys. (I started crying again)... Now that i think about it, i did not even think about my kids, or where we are going to live if we sell my house.... I'm such a bad mother." Right there i felt very guilty and confused. I sobbed hard. 

A quiet voice suddenly whispered in my head, "you are going to be allright. Your kids will be allright." I don't know why, but i felt calm right away. 

"What if i take over finance from now on. That's the only way i can feel the weight of our financial state." Anita said.

I answered, "You can't. Not while taking care of the print and digital content. Finance is not as easy as you think. It takes up your whole day."

"But that's the only way i will be able to really know what you and Ka Larry are dealing right now." Anita said.

"I think you should just call every departement head and talk about their financial state daily. Make them update you daily." I started to feel hopeful. 

"Is it okay, am i prying? Do i not send out a message that i don't trust people?" Anita hesitated.

I squinted. "No. You are In Board of Directors, one of the Founders. Actually, all this time, people think it's very weird that you don't pay enough attention, like you don't care." 

It's getting late. We looked at our phones and gotten a little antsy. We all have kids at home that we need to attend to. Githa read our minds and said, "c'mon, when we leave this room, we have to have a solution or plan in place." I stood up from under my table. Sat on my chair. Everybody quietly just adjust their seating. 

"So, can i take over?" Anita asked while moving to a seat in front of me. I just kept quiet. Githa asked, "What's your concern, ga?". I said, "Finance is detail and minute and at times like this, we have to make daily decisions, and Jujus is... ". 

"Slow." Githa filled in. 

"Yes". glad that i don't have to say it.

"How about we try my suggestion?" I asked. "First thing in the morning, we invite the head of departements related with money and cashflow. From there we then see how they should report to you daily, we should assign someone you trust to make sure and keep track of the department heads' reports and get them written down. She needs to have the authority to do that too."

Anita said, "ok, let's socialize this tomorrow. And in the mean time i'll talk to Ivan. Maybe he has some ideas how we can get the money for the taxes."

The next morning, we had out Expo meeting and asked some people to stick around after. 

After the meeting i made a dasboard sheet, so that everyone we assign can just update their state daily. I also made some calls to the bank on how i can top up my KPR (God, i hope this work out). 

On Thursday, i went and meet a tax officer. I brought proof of payments that we already sent. In their file it looked like we have not paid at all. He said, he'll look into it and reminded us that we still have a lot more to pay.

When i got back to the office, i went to Anita's office and found Githa was there too. They asked how the meeting with the tax officers went. "Fine. But not great. We can file another appeal if we want to. But, seeing how long that took the first time, i'm not sure if that's an option we should explore."

"Let's talk about how we can get the money to pay this then."Said Anita.

"My biggest hope is the KPR top up, Jus." 

"How much do you think we can get?"

"The house will be reappraised, then they would give 70% of that worth minus how much i owe them already." 

"What if the amount is not enough?" Githa asked.

"We can sell my car,  though that won't make much dent." I said.

"I talked to Ivan, we'd borrow money from the bank with our house as collateral." Anita said.

"Maybe if we combine the two, it would be enough?" Githa asked.

In my mind, i thought, Yeah, but both of us are in the deed, i don't know how bank calculate that. I mean, because we are both entrepreneurs, they'll ask for the PT bank statement and our own. And if we both apply credit at the same time, will they give us lower credit? Or not at all? OMG, please let not that be the case.

I finally said, "At this point, we'll just try everything."

Then Anita said,"I'm optimistic, Ga. I have a feeling we can get through this."

She then showed me a bible passage. The story of Jonah. And there's a voice in me that whispered, we are going to be okay.

So i said, "yeah, me too."

Under The Table

I was at my wits end. 

I didn't know what to do. I felt my eyes were hot and i can feel that a sob was building up inside. I'm mostly very composed about problems. But this time. I can't stop this urge to cry. Sob. 

Then i heard, some people coming down from upstairs. Then i panicked. My office is full with glass panel. Soon everyone will be able to see their CEO is, crying. Not quiet tears. Freaking loud, sobbing kind. So. At that moment, i duck under my big table. I sat there. Trying to reign my self. Untill i can't hear anyone, anymore.

No. This is not fiction. This was last monday.

Manouvers

Despite the many ups and down that we have faced in the last 11 years building Gogirl, i never get used to the sickness in my stomach, whenever i know that chalenging time is ahead.

We just received a letter from Dirjen Pajak, replying to our plea. They denied it. And that, obviously is a very gloomy letter. This year has been a very good year, but our profits is sucked away to pay our taxes. In april alone we had to pay so much money for tax. Every time i remember how much, i really want to cry. 

Things that many entrepreneurs tend to neglect are taxations. Mainly because, we didn't think that our little business can actually be big someday. As we thrive, we forget to be dilligent in book keeping and taxations. In 2009, we lost a lot of invoice and documentations, both soft copy and hard copies. So when the government asked about our reports, we lost a lot of the documentations.

I remember that day, a year ago. I wish i could say that it was a grey rainy day. So that i can give you the right background, the right ambiance, when i heard for the first time, that i, 9 months pregnant and all, could be going to jail, because of taxation. 

Stressed? To say the least. All this taxation mess is of course our own doing. We hated talking about accounting and tax and didn't pay enough attention about the whole thing. You might say, "but you are in business for a decade now, how could you not know or not take care of taxations?"

But that's the truth. I was that careless. I was that stupid. I signed documents in the past without reading or caring what i was signing. It all changed in 2012-2013. But the times before that, it was black hole of mess.

Now, the carelessness in the past has come forward as consequence. We had to pay. The taxes that we owed the government plus 100% fine. So we have been paying and paying every month. I feel like the government is taking all the money we earned with blood, sweat, tears and major dramas. I'm trying not to be depressed right now.

.......

I know it's my fault. I have changed. But the consequence of the past is still and will still be turning the unicorn, ice creams, and rainbows in my head into a grey, unmoving wallpaper. Yeah, normaly my world (in my head) is mostly willy wonka meet cloudy with a chance of meatball 2, very animated, and colorful. They are very still and very grey right now.

Anyway, i don't have the luxury to be depressed. Tomorrow is andrew's birthday, and i have to run errands. Maybe i'll sneak in some MFB before coaching. Oh right, i have coaching today. Sometimes coaching is almost like theraphy too. And i'm thankful for that.

Here goes another day. Up and about, Nin!

To my children

My dear children, this is a letter for your future self. For you to read when you are 12, 15, 17, 20, 22, 26, 30.

My dearests, 

Never live your lives to make me proud. That goal is too easy. I am your mom, and there are things that you do that can make me angry or sad, but i will always be proud of you guys. All of you. I am your first and biggest fan. That's why making me proud should not be the goal of your life. 

You see, from the moment you open your eyes, the moment you showed me you gummy smile, the times you tried to sit yourself, or crawl, or stand, i was and will always be in awe. Your every tiny accomplishments brought tears to my eyes. I was proud of you and i can't believe you are my children. I feel so blessed just by seeing the times you stumble and fall and try again. 

I also don't care about what you choose to be your profession. As long as you always try to be the best at it. As long as you work hard, and do your work with dignity and integrity, and if what you do makes you happy, then go ahead. 

If there's ever anything that i hope for you is to live your lives to the fullest. Be accountable and generous. You are beautiful and full of potential and therefor it is our job in this earth to realized them. Thats what living your lives with a purpose meant. 

Never do anything for money and status (even as simple as doing something just to look cool), and stay away from people who do. Instead, Do what you love, success will follow. Believe in yourselves, because your potential comes from the highest power of all. God. So, in your lowest low, and toughest time, always bring your struggle, pain and doubt to God. I am merely your cheerleader in this world, but God is the one and only that you ever really need both in joyous and trying times.

Be grateful, always. Because a grateful heart can turned everything around, gave you perspectives, strenght, warmth, and happiness. 

Do kind things to everyone, even though people judge you and are mean to you. What they say and do only showed their character, and what we say and do showed ours. It is okay to be sad and hurt, but never let anything or anyone ruin who you are, and who you can be. Pray. Ask for strength, so that no matter what, we can be generous, honest, and do exceptionally good things.

Make time for people who love you and waste no time for anything or anyone that does not grow you or make you happy. Respect and appreciate people no matter what their social status are, and stay away from people who are not genuinely nice to the unfortunate. 

Be humble my dearests, above all, be humble and loving. It's okay to be proud of your accomplishment but we can only be good at several things. We can be better than people in a few things. But we can't be good at everything. We can be the best chef in the world but really stupid when it comes to driving. We can be a genius negotiator but know nothing about design. You see, everyone is to be honored and appreciated because we all play our roles that made this world complete. We are not better than anyone, because we are suppossed to learn from, teach, and experience each other. 

One more thing my dearest, know that i love you. You will know how much when you have children of your own. That's when you trully know that i love you, beyond this time and space. No matter what, no matter when. I love you. 

Now go, and live your lives.

I'm so proud of my husband!

You know, you'd be surprise how little we hear about married couple boasting about their spouse. The longer the marriage, the rarer it is you hear genuine compliments about people's other half. 

Not talking about : "she's kind", "a good mother to my children" or "he's just a family man", kind of compliments. But the stuff that made you see why she or he married the-supposedly-love of their lives. 

So this time i'm gonna tell the world why. 

Today, my husband told me a work story. He said, "i just fired someone today. Or rather, i threw him out." 

At first i wasn't paying attention. But then i put down my phone and ask.

"Who?"

"One of the freelancers."

"What happened?"

"He made very rude comments about the sales promotion girls that we are going to hire."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he's one of XXXX crew, and he's suppossed to be the coordinators of the SPGs. As he was calling out the girls, he started making comments. Ok 2 million will be okay for this group."

I didn't get it. But it felt offensive in a way.

My husband then elaborate, "That's how some men talk, when they talk about prostitutes. Like that's how much these girls worth."

My jaw dropped. Speachless.

He continued.

"It was in the middle of a briefing so, even though i felt like throwing my laptop to his face, i said nothing. But then, after, i heard him continue this by trying to get other men join in on his jokes. So i called xxxx, and told her i don't want him in this project. Xxxx said it was just a joke. So i told her, either you fired him or i fired you and your whole crew."

I was bewildered. Shocked. I can't imagine what i would say if i were there. I would definitely won't  be as collected as my husband. I would definitely put that guy in his place! And i would definitely scolded the woman who's in charge of the guy. Seriously? it's bad enough that the guy is verbally harassing girls in public, the woman who brought him in thought it was okay for him to do that. Jeez! When i get back to work, i will renew our contract draft with everyone we work with. Strictly no harrasment tolerated. That woman is going to hear from me for sure!

Anyway. My husband then, said, "I didn't fire him in public but after i talked to xxxx, i apologized to the girls. I made HR talked and apologizes to the girls as well. Although the man was not our employee, but he's our Event Organizer's crew, so, i still feel obligated to say sorry."

Ladies and gentlemen, that's my husband. Maybe some men will do nothing, or probably just scolded the guy. He threw him out of the project, and threatened  to fire his boss if she does not comply. This has deeper merit than it already is. The project is on, starting tonight! So the fact that he's willing to risk having to go on this project alone without our event organizers and their freelancers, that's crazy and totally ballsy!  I have so much respect for him!

So yeah, i beamed and told him straight, "i'm very proud of you!"

I really am.

A woman should be

I'm so bored with this manifesto. 

In my mind, i can do whatever i want no matter what my gender is. Including if i am transgender.

I think we should forget about gender battle or gender support altogether. We just fight for human right. Period. No more profiling, no more prejudice, no more all these nonsense.

We have forgotten our humanity. We have! Why else do we do what we do? We have forgotten about compassion. Otherwise why is the world the way it is now? 

The biggest sickness in this world is the crave for power and thirst for admiration. We lack everything else.

Also our mentality that always wants to blame and make all kinds of excuses worsen just about every aspect of our lives. What's even sadder? We are in DENIAL about it.

It's time to be accountable. It's time to do. It's time to change. it's time to move. grow, enhance, advance. 

It is time.