"I want to run away with you."

Said my husband. 

I looked at him and think, how many women out there dream of hearing the exact same line from their partner. 

To us though, it was painful. We are in pain. 

This monetary problem that we've been having, it's starting to really get to us. We've been sad, then numb, then sad again, then extremely sad, now it get to the point of too much pain. Too much that i found my self searching for Gogirl! Happy Project article. Looking for ways to get outside of this state.

Even so, Every morning i would find HONY's ig post and think, "Why am i so shallow? I don't live in refugee camp, my son is not recruited to be soldiers, my daughters do not live in fear that their parents might be shot dead in front of them, we are not living in constant fear like people in war zones. We are okay. We are save. We can survive this."

Yet, these words somehow have no weight. They do not lift me. They just, kept me going. 

I've been waiting for God's grand gesture. But maybe i'm waiting for nothing. God's helps are rarely, if ever, grand. They are always quiet help. modest. calm. never with pomp & circumstance.

We went to the tax office again yesterday. I'm not sure if i have witnessed a miracle, because tax people are just, unpredictable. But we did caught a break. Just a little. But it's hopeful. It feels like God's help, but i'm too scared to be hopeful. 

I hope that this is it. If this is the devine help we've been waiting for, i'll take it. I hope that Dirjen pajak can just find other, bigger entrepreneurs that they can pursuit. The ones that actually have gazilion of money in Swiss banks. 

Dear God, is this it? have i been too caught up that i can't even see a miracle anymore? Your help will never be late. That's the only thing i'm sure about. Whether this is it, that, i just don't know.