Roller Coaster

For the last 6 weeks, my life has been such a roller coaster ride. It gives me ups and down too many times a day. It has gotten to the point where i'm a little sick in the stomach.

I had a huge fight with my sister. One that i have never experienced in my whole 37 years of life. We talked it out, and that's why i'm ready to share in my blog. But still, i'm not going to tell you what it's about and how everything settled.

I will say that, this fight that we had, had shook me. Very deep to my core. I know it's over, and i know everything has passed. But i can not lie, it changed me. The hurt stayed. Which is weird. I don't know why it's been so stubborn latching in my heart and has been clouding my head ever since.

It feels like that experience i had in Sumba. I think i almost drown.
We were swimming in Lapopu Waterfall, when a friend of mine panicked in the middle of it. She started to drown. I stopped swimming and dove to save her. She panicked and pulled me downward. I tried to swim upward and push her, but i can't. She was too heavy. I tried to call my friends but they can't hear me because the sound of the waterfall was just too loud. No one can hear me. I dove again, trying my best to lift her, but she became even more panicked and pull me further down. There were a strong undercurrent and i was pulled in. I saw her feet on top of my head, while i still hadn't touch the ground. The water was deeper than i thought. I pushed up again and screamed for for help. Everybody saw me and froze. I kept screaming, "Save her, save her, she's drowning!" but no one came. So i tried to lifet her again and in that moment i cried, i remember thinking, "Oh My God she's drowning and i can't save her!". Finally my friend Devi swam toward us and she tried to help me. But what happened was the opposite. Ollie pulled us both down as she tried to propelled herself up. The three of us was under water, for what to me seemed like the longest time. I started losing my strength and breath but i kicked up again. I saw Vera told me to turn Ollie around, and i screamed, "I cant!" and then i went down again. from under the water i saw Vera coming our way. She strangle Ollie's neck, and that made Ollie stop moving and that, made it easier for us to help her. Vera pulled Ollie, while Devi and I pushed from under the water. When Vera kick off her feet to fight the current, she kicked Devi, and Devi started to sink. That's when i felt tired and then i got under and sucked in by the current. I don't know how long i was in the water but then i resurfaced again. Once we are all save, i grabbed Ollie. Both of us were trembling. i was in shock, i started to cry. I can't forgive myself if anything were to happen to her.
After everything was over, we got up the river, there i found my self freezing. I can't move. From ankle to my heart, i was frozen. I told my self, "Nina you are in shock, fight it! breathe. breathe.breathe." Then i started to tremble again. I let everyone walked ahead of me. While on the way back i steadied my thoughts, i concentrated on the slippery paths. After we all got to the assembly point, i hugged Ollie. i said, "i'm so sorry! so sorry! It's my fault!" then i cried while everyone started to hug me. Everything was ok and i was quiet all the way to our next destination. I was still quiet even the day after. I feel like that right now. Like i just resurfaced. Still in shock. Tremble. I hide it well, but even now, as i'm writing this story, my hand is shaking, and crying. I can't thank God enough for helping us that day. It was God's help, i'm sure of it. Otherwise, the three of us might not survived. Right now, i'm praying so that i can wake up from this aftershock.

Everyday, i feel encouraged but then pulled down again and again. It really is like that day in that waterfall. I keep fighting, keep trying to resurface, but there's always something that pull me down again. I did a great presentation in the morning then some incidents happen in the afternoon. I got a lousy morning, then hopeful noon, and a decent afternoon, only to get discouraging emails at night. I'm so tired, and i hate that I'm in so much need of support and words of affirmations from others.

I just survived a life and death situation and a tremendous hurt. I'm now trying to find my self again. I need to remember myself again. Who am i, what am i good at, what am i to others? Do i really have any impact in anyone's life? or am i just deluding myself? I wish i can find out for sure what i mean to people out there. Not my work, but just me, as a person. Do i actually matter? Do anything i say or do actually make a difference? I don't know. I hope these things will be revealed to me soon.

Dear God, thank You for saving my life. Can You show me, what do you want me to do next? I trust in Your leadership, God. Please show me the way. Amen.