Love

You know, it's scary to write about love. since i am a working woman, a leader no less. Writing about love makes us woman leaders look weak, while we are still fighting to make more women be seen tough enough to take on more leadership roles. But not talking about it, i think, made us less brave to take on that role. Because that's what we've been doing. In Sandberg words, we check out long before we need to. It's all because of love.

Since i was a kid, i always know I'm different. I always have opinions about things. I'm always intense. People used to think I'm exhausting. Can't blame them. I was. But you can't help growing up faster than others if you grow up in my home. I will not elaborate more on that, but i will say, i always had to find solutions no matter how impossible they were. So it's frustrating for me to not criticize others when they dont see the solutions, or worse, not doing them even when they know what to do.

These tendencies to see pattern and stuff had made people think I'm indigo, but I've had my aura photographed and my aura was turquoise not indigo, so I'm not. But i still have the gift of leading and so i became outspoken, active, achieving all kinds of things that parents dream about their child. The more driven i become, the more scared i was that no boys will like me. This insecurities had gotten me into bad relationships. Bad, as in, i became needy and too ready to make the relationships work. 

Later, i became more scared and insecure. I started to think about my self more. I started to build this wall in the name of self preservation. I made requirements and boundaries as to what kind of men i allow to enter my life. In a way it's good, because then i will rule out men that does not have the same vision as i do, but other times it kinda makes me, a chauvinist, i guess.
 
 Let me explain.
As i grew stronger, i expected my man to understand fully, that i am a working woman. I like to contribute my talents to the world. If in a date a man would say, "I want my wife to be able to cook, or stay home, i don't want nannies to help take care of my children one day." Those were my deal breaker. Men like these bore the crap out of me. There will never be a second date with these men. If i were to watch movies, and saw that a man would leave their wife, because the wife became more successful in their work, preoccupied, or make more money, i would swear to my self that i make sure i interview my date about things like this. It is my primal fear, that i can't be who i am, because the man i love wont allow me to be who i am. I'm scared because i can't choose between them.  In my mind my family and my work are the loves of my life. They are like my heart and lungs. I can't live without any of them.

So as i sorted out potential candidates, i grew more hatred if the men cited they want their future wives to like be their mothers. This went on, until i met THE ONE.

With my husband everything was different. He was obnoxious, worshiped his mother, and the most insensitive man you could ever meet. But, it took me almost 14 years, to finally get it. In the beginning people wonder why i chose him, while i could have chosen any man i want. I was beautiful, skinny, smart, and talented too. I was and still is a book worm, i like jazz, drink wine, love philosophy. I hate parties and meeting many people. While he was and still is into edm and dance music. He does not think or contemplate about life, he likes parties, going out, meet people. Yes, we are extremely opposites. As different as any north and south pole. So what made us attracted to each other? our values. Our likes and dislikes are surface things. But our values are the same. Not only does he supports my work, he would scowl me when I'm feeling lazy and less committed. He's a committed father. He believes that fathers have important role in children upbringing, and so not only he can play with them, he knows our kids' doctors, their meds and dosage if they ever need any. He also does not care that i can't cook, as long as i make sure i take care of his food. Believe it or not, i only found out about this recently. Once i tried to please him by making fancy dinner for him, he said to me, "I would rather you buy the food or make someone else do it and then sit and talk to me. rather than you stressing out trying to do this for me and i can't enjoy that." Those words were my eye opener. 

Recently i watched this movie "The Freedom Writers". In the story the female lead became more preoccupied with work and finally her husband left her. Then i recalled, if i watch this movie 15 years ago, i would call names towards the husband. Why can't husbands supports their wives, the way that wives are expected to do? I would come to a conclusion that only weak men would do that to their wives. While that's still true, i also know now, that marriages are not that simple. Although we know the key to any relationship is great communication, we often don't realize we are not communicating. Can we tell the difference between, talking and communicating? I sure can't. Not in the beginning anyway. Communicating involves a lot of listening and asking. Not just telling or sharing stuff. I have long leave that habit we women do. You know, saying, "nothing" when our man ask us what's wrong. I have now learned, there is no need for that kind of drama. I just tell him what i want, when i'm ready, and we are not too tired. I found, now, it's my husband who has trouble in saying and asking me what he wants. I have learned that, to make people brave enough to ask or discuss things, we have to create an environment of open mindedness. That is something that i was not, even 2-3 years ago. I created this "what my man should be" in my mind, that i'm not open to compromise. I was being chauvinistic toward my man, and i didn't realize that at all. I was so averted toward his kind of music, that i even look down on him for that. I would dismiss and dissaproved whenever he wants to go out with his friends to clubs and places that plays this sort of music. But it all changed when we started to go to business coaching. Of course the coaching sessions does not involve talking about our marriage, but it made me rethink a lot of things. It opened my mind and i was more willing to change my perspective about a lot of things.  That attitude seemed to affect my marriage too. I started telling my husband, that next time he wants to go out, ask me to come along. He was shocked, and the whole night that we went out, he kept checking on me. "Are you okay? is this okay? are you bored?". And to tell you the truth, i was not bored at all. The places we went to wasn't so bad. In my mind, he would go wild, but apparently, there were just a group of friends. They talk about stuff, like what most men talked about. You know, cars, holidays, stocks, investments, that kind of stuff. So the next time he wants to go out, i was ok with it.The change in my attitude, brought change in his. He was more open to my kind of happy places. Then i asked him a lot of things beforehand, even though i know he would have no problem with it. Usually i only ask when i'm not sure whether he will be ok with it or not. Now, i involve him in many more decision making process. He does the same thing too.

My younger self will scowl and look down on me for doing things that i do now. But i know now, men and women wants the same thing. We want love and still be free to be who we are. To find someone whom we can grow together with. Grow as a person, not just grow old. We all are unhappy when we are forced to be someone we are not, but we need to not be lazy and use that as an excuse to be more than our own concept about ourselves. So i think, to be a strong woman, a strong leader, we need our support system in place. Our spouse is our backbone, without their support, we can't bring out our full potential. This goes both ways.   

Love should make us stronger, bolder, happier, and grander. Not the other way around. Our target in love, should be just that. Everything else should not matter. And if people talk, let them. They seem to have a bitter life, plus their standard is not relevant to our own lives. Our love lives are what we make of it. 

I also know one thing for sure, whatever your faith is, find people you can grow spiritually with. It is the utmost important. Because it's an automatic thing, when you and your significant other move upwards together, both of you will grow closer, in God. 

Lastly, for those of you who are currently single, or have problems in your love lives, do pray. Let God handle your love lives and lift up your burden. Be hopeful that God knows better and in His own time, He will show you His plans for you. Amen. 
  




















 
   

God is Good

I feel that i owe an update about our tax challenge.

A few days ago, or was it last week when i shared i have very little money? How patience and humor changed my week. I did not worry at all this week, even though our deadline (December 15th) to pay for everything is growing nearer. 

Last Thursday, i decided to try and meet Kakanwil Jakarta Selatan to present our case. We don't know what will come out of it, but i thought it was worth the effort. Since i don't know anyone who worked in Tax Office, i just went in and asked to meet the secretary. I just told people, i want to make an appoinment. I was asked a lot, "For what purpose?" And when i gave the short version of my intention, people seemed uncertain. So i had to repeat our case to several people, the long version one, then they started to relax. I had to see about 4 people until i was directed to meet a department that's responsible to asses cases like ours. 

Anyway, when we met the appointed person, i retold the story and showed him all the papers and documentations of our case. He said, "Well, this is in the hands of Kepala Kantor."  So he suggested i try my hardest to meet him. He did emphasized, "Please try, mba. I don't know whether he'll meet you, but try. Because it's his authority, not ours."

So after, my husband and i went straight to our KPP and then the drill started over. I asked to meet the Secretary of Kepala Kantor KPP. That is prety unusual, so they asked again, for what purpose. But i believe, God helped us that day. After waiting for a mere 10-15 minutes, they allowed me to meet the secretary. When i met the secretary, she asked again, for what purpose. This time after telling her the edited version of the story, i begged her to give me a chance to set an appoinment. To my surprise, she asked, "When will you be available? i will try to match it with Bapak's schedule."

After about a few seconds of shock, i said,"Whenever he can see me." Then she told me to wait. 

A few minutes later she said, "Bapak has a little bit of work now, but if Ibu willing to wait, he will see you." I was again surprised, and then i said that he can take his time. I will wait.

I waited. Not long. While we waited we were joined by the head of collection. It seemed, Bapak kepala kantor wanted him in the meeting too. So about 15 minutes later we were welcomed into his office. 

He was formal and polite. I introduced my self and told him about our case. He mainly listen. He got up to his computer and checked our account. He said, "It looks ok. Your payment and reports do not look like something to worry about."

I said, "Yes sir, as you can see, we are not the kind of company that deliberately make problems or excuses. But it's the amount that we have to pay is pretty unfair, and the deadline is too near."

He did not say anything for a while. Then he checked our payment track record. Then he said, "I suggest you pay the remaining initial tax that you owe. The fine can be discussed later." 

I asked, "Later? But we were given a deadline, December 15th."

He said,"Because ibu, if you don't pay the remaining tax, you will be billed for pmk29. That is 2% per month. Which means, if you owe us since 2009, then it's 6 years x 12 months x 2% x the remaining balance that you still owe. That's more than 100% extra that you have to pay, on top of what you still owe. But if you pay at least all the initial tax, pmk29 will not be billed. It's this year's sunset policy."

I said, "But sir, i thought the interest of late payments maximum 48%"

He answered,"No, that's fine of late payment. You will still be billed the interest, and there's no maximum rate for that. The longer you pay, the bigger the interest."

I was silent. Trying my best not to cry. I succeded. But my face must have shown some desperation. So he said, "The best that i can do, is to give you more time. But not more than another 12 months."

I looked up. That's better than nothing. So i said, "Thank you, sir."

He added,"If you can, fine a loan, from wherever. Because loan interest will always be lower than tax fine and interests."

I said, "Yes sir. Thank you Sir."

He then said to the collection section head, "Call their Waskom and AR, get them aquinted, and let them know about the extra time."

I said thank you and we were led out of the room and was introduced to 2 people that was assigned to handle our company's tax collection. We talked for almost 2 hours. 

On the way back, i was relieved and felt very grateful. Because, I knew that God had just helped us. I'm sure usually it's not that easy to meet Kepala Kantor. Also, the amount of money that he told us to pay is really, almost exactly how much we were given by the bank. That can't be a coincidence. The extra time is also a blessing, because it's managable.

So, how can i not say, God is Good. The loan money was wired this morning, so i went to the bank, and immediately paid all our initial tax that we owe the government. So, like all stories we've heard before, everything turned out allright in the end. 

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You God!

Ask and it will be given to you

Says the bible.

Lately, i've been thinking about this. 

I have been feeling that i'm just another human being. I try to do good deeds because i feel that's my role in this world. But i'm not the chosen one. I don't always feel this way. In fact, since i was a kid i used to believe that i meant for great things. But, maybe for the past year or two, i start not to. I don't know why. 

My discouragement got me thinking a lot of things. Like, why the hell did i believe that i'm going to be important? Did my parents did that to me? Did they say i can be whatever i want to be? Did they say i that i will achieve greatness someday? I honestly don't know. It got me thinking about my own parenting, i did say all those things to my kids. Am i giving them false hopes? 

We can't all be great, can we? 

Maybe not, but we can all do important things. Things that will matter to human lives. 

Can i do important things? Can my work matter? 

Why not? 

Because i don't know how.

Then ask.

Ask who?

Whoever who can answer. 

Who can?

God.

God, can i be important? Can my life matter? Can my life be impactful to others?

You are doing it right now. With the orphans. 

.... But that doesn't matter.

Yes it does. To them. Remember the phone call you got last night? 

God. Thank You. For allowing me to do this. Thank You for making me see.

You are wellcome. I never left you alone. You are My Idea, remember? 

Yes. It's just a hard concept to grasp.

Do you believe now?

I see that, i am your hand for others. This time You use me to make the orphans dreams come true. Other times You use me to speak the truth about things. You use me from time to time. In ways that i didn't think matter. But they matter to people. I'm humbled. Thank You. 

Now, go live some more. Never fear. Never worry. I Am here. 

Yes God.

Amen.