Excuses

We all make them. And then deny that we do.

We'd try to rationalize that things are beyond our control or that we've tried our best.

A few years ago, i met Brad Sugars. It was in a rare and very expensive masterclass for entrepreneurs. It was in that class i was told, repeatedly, that i was making excuses.

At first, i felt humiliated, and then i felt angry, and then flustered, hot with anger. I felt that the problems i was dealing, was real. I was not making any excuses. But every time i said, "but..." He cut me off, saying, "that's an excuse."

I was angry. Then i became quiet. He continued though by saying, "You are trying to find validation of your feelings, and i'm not here for that. I'm here to tell you, you are focusing on the wrong thing.  Instead of asking why things doesn't work, you should start discussing, 'What would work? What do we have to do to find out? What do we have to do, so that this whole mess does not happen again in future.' You see the difference here?"

He was right, of course. 

We all hate people who doesn't let us validate our feelings. But we need to get over our selves. Yes, yes, we are only human. But enough with the moping already. Snap out of it and start focusing our mind to the future. To work on what's within our power to change. To think about, what needs to be done. 

Soon enough we know what to be done. But, right here, is when we realize it takes so much work, and energy, and it would take too long. Then we start to whine,"Isn't there any pratical things? Faster way? Easier way?" 

The answer?

Of course there is! But anything instant is never good or sustainable. This actually is the general rule in most aspects in life. Whether we want to be successful, to be popular, to be respected, to be winners, or even when we are trying to lose weight or live more healthy life. Quick fix, never lead to anything good.

So let's use this time to stop whining, and recharge ourselves. Because, we gotta start working, now.

okay maybe not now, now. Let's settle for Monday!

Happy weekend everyone!

"I want to run away with you."

Said my husband. 

I looked at him and think, how many women out there dream of hearing the exact same line from their partner. 

To us though, it was painful. We are in pain. 

This monetary problem that we've been having, it's starting to really get to us. We've been sad, then numb, then sad again, then extremely sad, now it get to the point of too much pain. Too much that i found my self searching for Gogirl! Happy Project article. Looking for ways to get outside of this state.

Even so, Every morning i would find HONY's ig post and think, "Why am i so shallow? I don't live in refugee camp, my son is not recruited to be soldiers, my daughters do not live in fear that their parents might be shot dead in front of them, we are not living in constant fear like people in war zones. We are okay. We are save. We can survive this."

Yet, these words somehow have no weight. They do not lift me. They just, kept me going. 

I've been waiting for God's grand gesture. But maybe i'm waiting for nothing. God's helps are rarely, if ever, grand. They are always quiet help. modest. calm. never with pomp & circumstance.

We went to the tax office again yesterday. I'm not sure if i have witnessed a miracle, because tax people are just, unpredictable. But we did caught a break. Just a little. But it's hopeful. It feels like God's help, but i'm too scared to be hopeful. 

I hope that this is it. If this is the devine help we've been waiting for, i'll take it. I hope that Dirjen pajak can just find other, bigger entrepreneurs that they can pursuit. The ones that actually have gazilion of money in Swiss banks. 

Dear God, is this it? have i been too caught up that i can't even see a miracle anymore? Your help will never be late. That's the only thing i'm sure about. Whether this is it, that, i just don't know. 

You should be!

Okay, i've heard this over and over. 

I'm pretty surprised that some people look at me with disdain just because i'm being who i am. 

Here are some of the reasons people look down on me:

1. I don't look like your typical CEO of a company that's been around for more than a decade.

I look like the way i look. Rarely wears make up. I don't always have my hair blown, i don't wear power dress often or fake eyelashes unless i'm going to do a shooting that day.

People have this concept of what a powerful woman should look like. I used to be sad about having to alter how i look for the sake of fitting "the image". But then, i read this article in Glamor Uk. Taylor swift wrote about Lena Dunham, that she's so powerful in the biz, but wear pink dresses, flower crown (seriously), cries, and is a total hugger, and call her pet lamby. That's when i made my peace. I am powerful because, i know who i am. I don't have to be someone i'm not. 

2. I still prance around in non-designer items. 

Seriously, some people look at me and get annoyed instantly by what bag that i carry around. For this i rolled my eyes. The beauty about being successful is that we are free to buy whatever we want and wear whatever we want. If our self worth have to be depended on what the society demanded, then we are not free. And to me, what the hell does our money means when we can't be trully independent?

3. I'm quite candid.

More than a few people have told me i'm naive. That happens whenever i open up or be honest or ask honest questions. These people also cringe when they read my book or my blog. They would whatsapp me and comment something like, "I can't believe you are very open. You should not tell people some of the things you wrote."

 Then i ask,"why?" 

They said,"it's embarrassing."

I asked again, "why it's embarrassing?"

They said,"well, then people will know. Your mistakes, your stupidity, or when you let people know how some things hurt you. gengsi dong!"

I guess. That's just it. I don't have it. Or maybe i don't make my pride a big deal. I rarely find any use of it. 

I am not affraid to show my weaknesses, because i don't like to mislead people. I am what i am. I made so many mistakes, i also did things that i really regret. My life is what it is. It is happy, and then sad, and then there are dissapointments, hurt, and proud moments, warmth, joy, and then numb, panic attack, and so on. Just like everyone else's lives. Why should that be embarrassing?

I am not perfect, and i think that's-in Gogirl! Languange-flawsome!

#latepost

Sometimes, even in morning time i feel like it's already mid day. 

i feel like i need a quiet time, some alone time, as if i've been having a busy day. 

But the truth is, i've been having a very busy mind. From the moment i gain consciousness my head is busy. With words. With reminders. With worries. With plans. With guilt. With promises. With chores. With lists.

It's like i'm working on autopilot. Then when it's quiet, like now, in the car, otw to work. I feel tired. My mind wander to the smell of coffee. Like it's 4 in the afternoon. When actually my day has not even started yet. 

Then i saw this post by mommies daily about a reminder to slow down. Posted in a poem, supposedly written in a child point of view. And i think, "jeez, thanks a lot, like i need another thing to feel guilty about."

People are just insensitive sometimes. Or maybe i'm just touchy. I'm exhausted and fighting every nudge towards depression. 

I'm doing my best. In ways that i know and don't know. I'm constantly learning. But being a mother of 3 is hard. I feel like i need support from other moms. Not posts that make me feel even guiltier than i already do. 

Okay, it's time to unfollow mommies daily. Sorry Hani.

Nightmares again

I woke up panting and angry again. 

I dreamt that i was in court, where my counterpart was not. This is the countless time that they do this. I picked up the phone and start yelling at them untill i was out of breath and stuttering frantically.

Then i woke up. Still angry. In fact, anger overpowered me that i can barely think. 

Then i breathe. A little voice in my head said to me,"Breathe. You are worrying. Remember last sunday's sermon. Have faith. Do not worry."

I know i do that. I contemplate a lot. And my reasoning normally comes to calm me down. If you've seen inside out, lately sadness and anger has been in control. My joy is fighting like crazy to win. But right now, there are 2 other heroes in my head that are keeping me sane. It's my reasoning and my will. 

I'm so tired. My husband is out of town. Usually when i have nightmares, i curl up closer to him. I used his body temprature to calm me. Normally this trick work because he is always a lot warmer than me, and because of that, I always can go back to sleep. But he's not here right now. 

So i blog. To tire my self to sleep.

I am tired though. I wish my children slept here last night. Hmm. I should just try to go back to sleep.

Girl Who Code

I'm not talking about the program. I'm talking about me :)

This is my 2015 Dreamboard 

Yeah, i wanted to take webmaster class, so i have been taking the class somewhat regularly now.

In my class there are all kinds of people. In the morning the ones who comes are female, mostly mommies like me. A little later normally comes the students, in the afternoon till late normally come the guys. 

Around 7pm, the ones who had been sitting since opening time will be burned out and started to abandon their codes and chat with others. They mostly leave me alone and sit around each other on the other end of the class. They would begin discussing what they are working on and ask feedbacks and stuff. But when they got bored they talk about girls.     

Their discussions were so funny. I guess I forgot what it's like to be single. I forgot that single people likes to talk about the opposite sex and make all kinds of assumptions. Haha their discussions brought me 17-23 years back. I vaguely remember the time i would sit with my girlfriends discussing "Do you think he likes me?" "Do you think he's call?" "Should i call first?" "...... What do you think that means?". These guys in my class had more or less the same kind of discussion. They ask each other, "Why did you not ask her out?" "Do you think she like me?" "Should i call her? What should i say when i call her?" "What does she look like?" "Good women are so rare, they all after our money." "My gebetan is so hot, she look like Scarlett Johansen." Here i had to laugh and pretended there were something funny in my phone). 

What's funny? Well, I remember when, as a single girl, i used to worry about these too. Now i know, guys are just as nervous when it comes to dating. When they like you, they just do. No matter what you do, they are already smitten by you, heck in his mind, you are as hot as Scarlett Johansen. I wish i knew that when i was young and single. It would set me free. I'd not worry that being the smart, strong independent girl that i am would put off the guys. I came to know that a bit late. I only knew that in college. But i imagine, if only i knew that even back in junior high, i would probably have a different teen life.

Anyhow, their discussions and jokes often grew to theories and funny assumptions about girls that's so waaaaay off! I really had to conceal my giggles. 

One of their joke is so dry, that i had to feel a little sorry for them too. 

One of the guys told the other, (i have to use bahasa here, otherwise it wont make sense. "Ya lagian lo ngomong bahasa kode (ngode dlm bhs program), gimana dia ga php (sistem pemrograman) in lo" terus ngakak kenceng! - (dlm hati : becandanya lokal banget guys 😅) 

Yang lain nimpalin, "emang lo ngeline apa?" Si mas yg ditanya bilang (dengan nada frustrasi) "gue bilang, lo ; nya gue. Trus dia ga ngerti. Ya gimana ya, gue juga susah jelasinnya." (Disini aku harus batuk-batuk nahan ngakak)

Ya iyalah cewenya ga ngerti. Kan bukan programmer mas.

But for my blog reader, i can tell you, the guys was actually being pretty sweet. In code basically means, your program wont function without ; 

So basically he was saying, " you complete me, or i can't function without you."

So sweet right? Too bad the girl of his dream doesn't get it. Wkwkwkwk!

The Tumble,Bend Over Backwards, and Everything in Between

I think this is the perfect time to show that entrepreneurship isn't for everyone. Doesn't matter what kind of business you choose, if you own it, then, you are an entrepreneur. 

This is the start up era. Just about every seminars talk about this type of business. Everyone are emphasizing how much money you could score by selling your start up. It's new and it's sexy. But people are forgetting, that start ups are businesses too. And the owners behind it does not always have figured things out. 

The way you should run a business, is always the same, in principle. Including this new type of business. Unfortunately the start up owners are not always equiped with minimum management skills. So, it does not surprise me that the most successful start up owners, for instance Sophia Amaruso of Nasty Gal, had to let go of her CEO chair and gave it to someone else. 

The only thing that start up does not need is huge capital. And most people think start up is doable by everyone just because it's cheap. While, it's exciting, i need to warn my compadres out there, to not make the same mistakes that i did. Remember the business side of your business. All the non-creative side of it needs to be dealt with, creatively. All the boring side of it, like getting to know the HR law, Tax law, Finance, Accounting, etc. 

I'm not trying to scare away people who wants to be an entrepreneur. It's just how it is. I know that most people wont even listen to me. Hahaha, i know how old i sounded. But it's okay. Nobody told me about this when i was just starting out. They all just said that things were impossible for me to achieve. I'm not doing that. I've just walked several yards ahead, so i'm here simply to shout out, "watch out, there's a big gaping hole, bring whatever you need to deal with it when you get there." I'm not even here to dictate you how to deal with it.

The reason for this post is simple. Start ups or not, businesses are messy and we need to equip ourselves. Don't be a cliché and repeat the most common mistake that entreps do. Make your own mistakes. That way, someday, you can contribute giving our community new ways to survive the madness.