Friday, 25 November 2016
Roller Coaster
For the last 6 weeks, my life has been such a roller coaster ride. It gives me ups and down too many times a day. It has gotten to the point where i'm a little sick in the stomach.
I had a huge fight with my sister. One that i have never experienced in my whole 37 years of life. We talked it out, and that's why i'm ready to share in my blog. But still, i'm not going to tell you what it's about and how everything settled.
I will say that, this fight that we had, had shook me. Very deep to my core. I know it's over, and i know everything has passed. But i can not lie, it changed me. The hurt stayed. Which is weird. I don't know why it's been so stubborn latching in my heart and has been clouding my head ever since.
It feels like that experience i had in Sumba. I think i almost drown.
We were swimming in Lapopu Waterfall, when a friend of mine panicked in the middle of it. She started to drown. I stopped swimming and dove to save her. She panicked and pulled me downward. I tried to swim upward and push her, but i can't. She was too heavy. I tried to call my friends but they can't hear me because the sound of the waterfall was just too loud. No one can hear me. I dove again, trying my best to lift her, but she became even more panicked and pull me further down. There were a strong undercurrent and i was pulled in. I saw her feet on top of my head, while i still hadn't touch the ground. The water was deeper than i thought. I pushed up again and screamed for for help. Everybody saw me and froze. I kept screaming, "Save her, save her, she's drowning!" but no one came. So i tried to lifet her again and in that moment i cried, i remember thinking, "Oh My God she's drowning and i can't save her!". Finally my friend Devi swam toward us and she tried to help me. But what happened was the opposite. Ollie pulled us both down as she tried to propelled herself up. The three of us was under water, for what to me seemed like the longest time. I started losing my strength and breath but i kicked up again. I saw Vera told me to turn Ollie around, and i screamed, "I cant!" and then i went down again. from under the water i saw Vera coming our way. She strangle Ollie's neck, and that made Ollie stop moving and that, made it easier for us to help her. Vera pulled Ollie, while Devi and I pushed from under the water. When Vera kick off her feet to fight the current, she kicked Devi, and Devi started to sink. That's when i felt tired and then i got under and sucked in by the current. I don't know how long i was in the water but then i resurfaced again. Once we are all save, i grabbed Ollie. Both of us were trembling. i was in shock, i started to cry. I can't forgive myself if anything were to happen to her.
After everything was over, we got up the river, there i found my self freezing. I can't move. From ankle to my heart, i was frozen. I told my self, "Nina you are in shock, fight it! breathe. breathe.breathe." Then i started to tremble again. I let everyone walked ahead of me. While on the way back i steadied my thoughts, i concentrated on the slippery paths. After we all got to the assembly point, i hugged Ollie. i said, "i'm so sorry! so sorry! It's my fault!" then i cried while everyone started to hug me. Everything was ok and i was quiet all the way to our next destination. I was still quiet even the day after. I feel like that right now. Like i just resurfaced. Still in shock. Tremble. I hide it well, but even now, as i'm writing this story, my hand is shaking, and crying. I can't thank God enough for helping us that day. It was God's help, i'm sure of it. Otherwise, the three of us might not survived. Right now, i'm praying so that i can wake up from this aftershock.
Everyday, i feel encouraged but then pulled down again and again. It really is like that day in that waterfall. I keep fighting, keep trying to resurface, but there's always something that pull me down again. I did a great presentation in the morning then some incidents happen in the afternoon. I got a lousy morning, then hopeful noon, and a decent afternoon, only to get discouraging emails at night. I'm so tired, and i hate that I'm in so much need of support and words of affirmations from others.
I just survived a life and death situation and a tremendous hurt. I'm now trying to find my self again. I need to remember myself again. Who am i, what am i good at, what am i to others? Do i really have any impact in anyone's life? or am i just deluding myself? I wish i can find out for sure what i mean to people out there. Not my work, but just me, as a person. Do i actually matter? Do anything i say or do actually make a difference? I don't know. I hope these things will be revealed to me soon.
Dear God, thank You for saving my life. Can You show me, what do you want me to do next? I trust in Your leadership, God. Please show me the way. Amen.
I had a huge fight with my sister. One that i have never experienced in my whole 37 years of life. We talked it out, and that's why i'm ready to share in my blog. But still, i'm not going to tell you what it's about and how everything settled.
I will say that, this fight that we had, had shook me. Very deep to my core. I know it's over, and i know everything has passed. But i can not lie, it changed me. The hurt stayed. Which is weird. I don't know why it's been so stubborn latching in my heart and has been clouding my head ever since.
It feels like that experience i had in Sumba. I think i almost drown.
We were swimming in Lapopu Waterfall, when a friend of mine panicked in the middle of it. She started to drown. I stopped swimming and dove to save her. She panicked and pulled me downward. I tried to swim upward and push her, but i can't. She was too heavy. I tried to call my friends but they can't hear me because the sound of the waterfall was just too loud. No one can hear me. I dove again, trying my best to lift her, but she became even more panicked and pull me further down. There were a strong undercurrent and i was pulled in. I saw her feet on top of my head, while i still hadn't touch the ground. The water was deeper than i thought. I pushed up again and screamed for for help. Everybody saw me and froze. I kept screaming, "Save her, save her, she's drowning!" but no one came. So i tried to lifet her again and in that moment i cried, i remember thinking, "Oh My God she's drowning and i can't save her!". Finally my friend Devi swam toward us and she tried to help me. But what happened was the opposite. Ollie pulled us both down as she tried to propelled herself up. The three of us was under water, for what to me seemed like the longest time. I started losing my strength and breath but i kicked up again. I saw Vera told me to turn Ollie around, and i screamed, "I cant!" and then i went down again. from under the water i saw Vera coming our way. She strangle Ollie's neck, and that made Ollie stop moving and that, made it easier for us to help her. Vera pulled Ollie, while Devi and I pushed from under the water. When Vera kick off her feet to fight the current, she kicked Devi, and Devi started to sink. That's when i felt tired and then i got under and sucked in by the current. I don't know how long i was in the water but then i resurfaced again. Once we are all save, i grabbed Ollie. Both of us were trembling. i was in shock, i started to cry. I can't forgive myself if anything were to happen to her.
After everything was over, we got up the river, there i found my self freezing. I can't move. From ankle to my heart, i was frozen. I told my self, "Nina you are in shock, fight it! breathe. breathe.breathe." Then i started to tremble again. I let everyone walked ahead of me. While on the way back i steadied my thoughts, i concentrated on the slippery paths. After we all got to the assembly point, i hugged Ollie. i said, "i'm so sorry! so sorry! It's my fault!" then i cried while everyone started to hug me. Everything was ok and i was quiet all the way to our next destination. I was still quiet even the day after. I feel like that right now. Like i just resurfaced. Still in shock. Tremble. I hide it well, but even now, as i'm writing this story, my hand is shaking, and crying. I can't thank God enough for helping us that day. It was God's help, i'm sure of it. Otherwise, the three of us might not survived. Right now, i'm praying so that i can wake up from this aftershock.
Everyday, i feel encouraged but then pulled down again and again. It really is like that day in that waterfall. I keep fighting, keep trying to resurface, but there's always something that pull me down again. I did a great presentation in the morning then some incidents happen in the afternoon. I got a lousy morning, then hopeful noon, and a decent afternoon, only to get discouraging emails at night. I'm so tired, and i hate that I'm in so much need of support and words of affirmations from others.
I just survived a life and death situation and a tremendous hurt. I'm now trying to find my self again. I need to remember myself again. Who am i, what am i good at, what am i to others? Do i really have any impact in anyone's life? or am i just deluding myself? I wish i can find out for sure what i mean to people out there. Not my work, but just me, as a person. Do i actually matter? Do anything i say or do actually make a difference? I don't know. I hope these things will be revealed to me soon.
Dear God, thank You for saving my life. Can You show me, what do you want me to do next? I trust in Your leadership, God. Please show me the way. Amen.
Sunday, 20 November 2016
My Commencement Speech at Unika Atma Jaya October 1st, 2016
I was asked to give a commencement speech on behalf of Atma Jaya Alumni, about how to get ahead and be successful in life. Here I tackled the anxiety that people have about millenials, and i also want the graduates to revisit their goals in life.
Tuesday, 18 October 2016
Being a Girl Boss
I have been more active i Linked In recently, and just like Facebook, Linked In has articles, and i'd read these articles from time to time.
The difference between Facebook and Linked In are these : Facebook can show you which of your friends who are actually shallow and racist, Linked In can show you who are the most boastful of their achievements and opinions plus you get a sense of how many chauvinist swine that are still alive and well in this world.
Sample : Whenever i declare my self as a feminist, in Facebook i'd be unfollowed and some (may have) branded me bad. Just as bad as communist. In Linked In, I'd be high-fived, or will get in-mail that say things like, " just another girl-power dumb lass"
People still have these rules about being powerful women. They don't even know what feminist means, and a lot associated that word with bad, immature, uncontrollable, wild, disrespectful women. This is just as bad as not knowing Islam and branded them as terrorist, or not know knowing Christianity and give them derogatory names. the term "Powerful Women" is still associated with cold, ambitious, heartless, political, back-stabber, lonely home, lonely children, etc. The feeling that radiated from you getting the tittle "Powerful Woman" are often contempt, anger, disgust, jealousy, and then you'll hear all these nonsense assumptions about your inability to keep a happy life and a happy home.
Being a "Girl Boss" is no different. In my early days being a boss, i faced so many hatred from lots of vendors that i dealt with. I was given so many names simply for demanding what i have paid for. Though, we all have come a long way in 13 years, but i still get stupid questions whenever i'm seen too busy, go travel, or on business trips. The dumbest yet the most F.A.Q that i get is this, "Your kids, who are they with right now?" or in Bahasa, "Anaknya sama siapa, mba?" Normally i smiled and elaborate where they are and who is taking care of them at the moment (as if that's any of their business), but sometimes, just sometimes i'd like to reply by saying, "yeah, i left them alone, no, actually i neglected them. They are now alone, in the house, without anyone taking care of them, no food, and just let them fend for themselves."
Whenever i give the short version of my child-care-plan-while-mommy-is-busy, i'd still get asked so many questions. So i have to explain, all the time, That, at the moment, their dad/grandparents armed with nannies (plural) and maid and driver are there with them. I have left them with menus, and meal plans, and money too. I've also wrote down emergencies number of each kid's pediatricians, not to mention all kinds of what to do's when kids get a mild fever, or fell sick, or vomiting, or whatever illness that can happen whenever i'm out. Oh btw, i've also left enough entertainment options, study guides, worksheets to study and to play with. I also call my kids from time to time, that even they feel their mommy calls too often.
You'd think people will shut up after hearing this, but alas, no. The next question will be, "Is your husband okay with you being successful?" Zzzz. Snore. People need to come up with other questions. Seriously. My answer would be short, "We attract what we are. If we are insecure women, then we'll attract insecure men. I am an Empress, i attract Kings and Emperors. They like who i am, and they need a partner in life like myself to build an Empire with. I married a King, and he's proud of his Queen."
I am a girl boss and i am proud of who i am. I don't care about the rules that people try to make me follow. Like the rules that says,
"A women should never be ambitious." (whatever)
"A women should not be too strong, or too gentle. " (huh?)
"A woman should wear power dress or power suit." (i wear what i want, i'll wear that dress because i want to, not because people told me too)
"A professional woman should never look too hot, or too cold." (Baby, I'm just too hot to handle, and too cool care)
I don't care what people think of me. Whenever people say baseless hurtful things, and have this excuse to justify their comments, "Hey, we have the right to say whatever we want." I'd just rolled my eyes and scroll away. None of us has the right to other people's lives and the way they choose to live them. So people look down on you? The only people who will do that, are the insecure ones. The ones that needed other people's admiration. That's why they measure us against their standard. Because within the perimeter of that standard, they feel that they are better than us, and they need people to agree with them.
Seriously, who has time to deal with these people? Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said :
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
Plus i strongly believe in these saying too :
"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind”
So, pardon me when i say, "Off course people have the right to say whatever they want, but i also the right, to not give a shit."
I'm just too busy building my own life, and power ladies, don't we all?
The difference between Facebook and Linked In are these : Facebook can show you which of your friends who are actually shallow and racist, Linked In can show you who are the most boastful of their achievements and opinions plus you get a sense of how many chauvinist swine that are still alive and well in this world.
Sample : Whenever i declare my self as a feminist, in Facebook i'd be unfollowed and some (may have) branded me bad. Just as bad as communist. In Linked In, I'd be high-fived, or will get in-mail that say things like, " just another girl-power dumb lass"
People still have these rules about being powerful women. They don't even know what feminist means, and a lot associated that word with bad, immature, uncontrollable, wild, disrespectful women. This is just as bad as not knowing Islam and branded them as terrorist, or not know knowing Christianity and give them derogatory names. the term "Powerful Women" is still associated with cold, ambitious, heartless, political, back-stabber, lonely home, lonely children, etc. The feeling that radiated from you getting the tittle "Powerful Woman" are often contempt, anger, disgust, jealousy, and then you'll hear all these nonsense assumptions about your inability to keep a happy life and a happy home.
Being a "Girl Boss" is no different. In my early days being a boss, i faced so many hatred from lots of vendors that i dealt with. I was given so many names simply for demanding what i have paid for. Though, we all have come a long way in 13 years, but i still get stupid questions whenever i'm seen too busy, go travel, or on business trips. The dumbest yet the most F.A.Q that i get is this, "Your kids, who are they with right now?" or in Bahasa, "Anaknya sama siapa, mba?" Normally i smiled and elaborate where they are and who is taking care of them at the moment (as if that's any of their business), but sometimes, just sometimes i'd like to reply by saying, "yeah, i left them alone, no, actually i neglected them. They are now alone, in the house, without anyone taking care of them, no food, and just let them fend for themselves."
Whenever i give the short version of my child-care-plan-while-mommy-is-busy, i'd still get asked so many questions. So i have to explain, all the time, That, at the moment, their dad/grandparents armed with nannies (plural) and maid and driver are there with them. I have left them with menus, and meal plans, and money too. I've also wrote down emergencies number of each kid's pediatricians, not to mention all kinds of what to do's when kids get a mild fever, or fell sick, or vomiting, or whatever illness that can happen whenever i'm out. Oh btw, i've also left enough entertainment options, study guides, worksheets to study and to play with. I also call my kids from time to time, that even they feel their mommy calls too often.
You'd think people will shut up after hearing this, but alas, no. The next question will be, "Is your husband okay with you being successful?" Zzzz. Snore. People need to come up with other questions. Seriously. My answer would be short, "We attract what we are. If we are insecure women, then we'll attract insecure men. I am an Empress, i attract Kings and Emperors. They like who i am, and they need a partner in life like myself to build an Empire with. I married a King, and he's proud of his Queen."
I am a girl boss and i am proud of who i am. I don't care about the rules that people try to make me follow. Like the rules that says,
"A women should never be ambitious." (whatever)
"A women should not be too strong, or too gentle. " (huh?)
"A woman should wear power dress or power suit." (i wear what i want, i'll wear that dress because i want to, not because people told me too)
"A professional woman should never look too hot, or too cold." (Baby, I'm just too hot to handle, and too cool care)
I don't care what people think of me. Whenever people say baseless hurtful things, and have this excuse to justify their comments, "Hey, we have the right to say whatever we want." I'd just rolled my eyes and scroll away. None of us has the right to other people's lives and the way they choose to live them. So people look down on you? The only people who will do that, are the insecure ones. The ones that needed other people's admiration. That's why they measure us against their standard. Because within the perimeter of that standard, they feel that they are better than us, and they need people to agree with them.
Seriously, who has time to deal with these people? Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said :
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
Plus i strongly believe in these saying too :
"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind”
So, pardon me when i say, "Off course people have the right to say whatever they want, but i also the right, to not give a shit."
I'm just too busy building my own life, and power ladies, don't we all?
Monday, 10 October 2016
Friday, 30 September 2016
Transformation
I've had so many low points in my entrepreneurial journey, but these past 2 years has been the most challenging by far. Things just don't seem like it will get better. Sometimes, many times, i feel like i can't see the way, and merely lead with gut and faith.
Most of my friends tell me, repeatedly, that i will, once again lead the company out of the impossible. I said my thanks, but truthfully, it was getting harder and harder to believe what they believe.
Yet today, i was awaken, literally by thunderstorm and lighting. I got up, and as i was looking out the window, at 4.28 a.m from my 24th floor room in Hong Kong, i became aware that I woke up with the clearest head i've had in months.
Yeah, this is the day of transformation. This is the day that i believe, i can and i will lead us through.
Saturday, 24 September 2016
How to become a successful Introvert? By Nina Moran and Vera Shiska
I'm a weird introvert. My Jungian type is INTJ, but my DISC is High D and High S. Yeah, i'm complex to say the least :)
Anyway, in this video we talk about my weirdness, please watch, like, and comment ya. Thank you so much!
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