Solitude

That word is expensive for someone like me. I need it probably more than most people, but i don't get much of it. That's why, a lot of time i'll looking out any window i see and dream that i'm somewhere else. I don't say things like this out loud because people get to have the wrong impression about what those words mean. The people who don't  know me would think that i'm miserable, and the people who love me would feel hurt, because they think i'm unhappy, and that's because of them. They'd be wrong and i wont have the energy to explain. 

I heard, for people like me, it's better to wake up earlier. Get my dose of solitude and serenity before everything and everyone wake up. I haven't been able to do that. I still choose to sleep. A few years ago, pilates help me get my dose of solitude. When I concentrate on my breathing, form, poses, and movement, my mind emptied from everything else. That used to help, a lot. It hasn't help as much these days with easing my tension but i still feel tired and dream about sleeping all day. 

When i took the kids to swim a couple of days ago, i saw that maybe, i can go for a night swim there. I saw people do that whenever i go to Vin+ with Vera and i always want to try that. It's just that their locker room is pretty creepy and imagining going there at night made me put off the whole activity

It does not escape me that I secretly count every day that i don't get any alone time and i get melodramatic the longer i get any less. 

What is my ideal alone time? sleeping all day, back to back watching series, beach swimming, lazy evening with a glass of shiraz and a good book. All uninterrupted. *sigh* 

I dream of going to derawan, sumba, flores, labuan cermin, banda. I need the vitamin sea. But always, all the time, whenever i want to go, my children faces float around my head. It's not that i don't travel. I just got back from 2 trips and already i need another one. The happiest trip i had was probably the lombok trip last year. That was cool. I brought the kids and their nannies, my husband brought friends. It all worked out because  everyone was happy. I was happy to have a trip without the guilt of leaving the kids, and we to the ocean no less. I get to snorkel, my husband got his friends to recharge at night (extroverts need people to recharge), while i get my early sleep (introverts need alone time). Everybody happy. I think i need this kind of trip again soon. Need to start saving, this kind of trips are expensive. Because i need to fund a holiday for 5 adults and 3 kids. Better start saving now. 

I'm writing this at the hospital while waiting on Noelle. she's sleeping and i wish that i can too. I'm tired and i really need to sleep. If only i can. 

Oh well, might as well find a cup of coffee, the doctor will visit any time soon.