Blackout

A lot of times people ask me, how to get back up when you are down. My usual answer will be, to cry yourself out, pray and then force your self to stand up, and walk, and move your ass forward. 

I used to be that strong. 

Right now, i'm in a place where i don't remember who and what i am. 

Recently i received painful feedbacks about myself, quite frequently. Normally, i welcome feedbacks. No matter how annoying, offensive, or hurtful they were. My first reactions usualy were, either i became defensive or i'd laughed them off. Either way, it'd take me mere hours to think them through, and then i'd start making the necessary behavioral adjustments. This is not hard for me because, my obsessive need to always be better, is much bigger than my ego. But these feedbacks i've been receiving, are hurting me. More than usual. More than what i let people see. 

The feedbacks were not wrong, but they hurt my core, they made me feel lost. I don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I don't know what's normal, what is acceptable. I don't know where we draw the line in everything, i don't even know if the line actually exist or they were figments of my own imagination, Everything i know seemed wrong. 

These words, made me realized how deep the power of negative words can shatter your soul. They made me become more mindful of what i say and my tone when i speak. 

Even knowing all this, the feedbacks still have their hold of me. I don't know why they have so much control over me this time. I feel weird that i can't bring my self up no matter how many pep talk i give self. No matter how many times i pray. I'm still lost. 

Right now, i'm trying to remember what's good about myself. Because i can't remember it. I can't call upon any memory, to remind me of any of it. It seems even my brain is agreeing with me that everything i thought was good about myself, might not be good at all. My own concept of good and bad is wrong, so i have nothing to call good about myself. 

I'm in the dark, and i'm too embarassed and scared to ask my friends, family, or people in general about what they see in me. I can only assume they have been enduring me, or maybe tolerating me, not liking me, or accepting me. I'm too fragile to hear more critiques right now. 

I notice my appetite is decreasing too. I eat but 1/3 or 1/2 of what i normaly eat. I lost any desire to do anything at all, everything i used to love. I don't enjoy learning, books, wine, and i've been making excuses to not meet my own best friend. 

Obviously, i'm sad, and i can't make myself feel otherwise. I feel worthless, and this is the first time ever that i feel this way about my self. I feel that i'm unworthy of forgiveness, unworthy of success, love, and acceptance. All this feelings are so alien to me. I'm scared that i'm starting to lose myself, my being, my soul. How do people's words and action overpower me like this? This has never happened before. I have never not able to turn the other cheek, or bring my self up, or simply trudge on. This angers me, and i hate how weak i am right now. But even anger does little to wake me. Nothing is working, yet.