Motherhood

Week 4 in July and i'm staying home again today. Noelle lagi ga mau lepas sama sekali dari aku. I love my babies, tapi sakit kepala deh diem di rumah! Cuma bangun dari sofa mau ke meja makan (jarak cuma 2 ubin) dia udah, "mama mau kemana?" Kayanya nggak ada 1 menit dia nggak manggil, "mama!"

I feel horrible for wanting a tiny bit of quiet time. Aku sering ngulang mantra di kepala, "nin, dia bakal remaja sebentar lagi, dan yang ada kamu yang bakal nyariin dia." Mantra ini selalu manjur memusnahkan jengkel seketika. 

1 yang nggak aku sangka, ternyata bukan cuma anak yg bisa clingy sama kita, akupun jadi attached sama Noelle akhir-akhir ini. I'd miss her, walau dia cuma lagi main di atas sama adiknya atau pergi sekolah. Entah kenapa, aku ngerasa Noelle bukan cuma lagi pengen ngelendot ke aku, tapi kayanya dia berusaha melindungi aku. It seems, she's affraid that i'm going to burst into tears or leave her. Apa anak perempuan emang kaya gini sama mamanya? Aku nggak ngalamin ini waktu Andrew seumur Noelle. Noelle selalu nanya, are you ok? Mama sakit ya? (Emang lg sakit), She worries about me. Noelle is perceptive and sensitive, Andrew nggak gitu.

Aku jadi berat untuk ngantor. Barangkali ini pertama kalinya aku bener-bener pengen jadi stay home mom. Mungkin, i need a little time out. I haven't gone out of the house other than with the kids or to run errands. I haven't gone back to exercising or simply having any alone time. 

Any respite that i get is from sleeping. But my waking hours has been dedicated for my husband & my kids lately. I haven't done anything else. I'm sad, a little bored, confused, and stressed too. 

Andrew is in 4th grade now, and this is only the beginning of his second week at school. Yet, his lessons are already stressing me out. This week, he will already have 2 test! One of them is mandarin. Which i have no idea how to help him study. I have been trying to get him a private mandarin tutor, but they are very expensive. Not to mention, his homeworks and other subjects, that will probably need another tutor. Noelle is late in recognizing words, or even name of things. This worries me and it adds to the pile of worries that i have for my kids. Tutors and classes are super expensive, and i have 2 kids that need them. Without tutors and classes, i will never be able to go back to work. Seriously! Andrew's school needs are just that crazy. I hate that schools are not supporting working parents. For instance, they will tell us today, to provide andrew with atlas or dictionary or whatever tomorrow. I got home from work around 6, and then i immediately open his agenda and found things like that. I'm gonna have to go out again, and seek whatever the school told us to provide for tomorrow! 

I know what you are thinking, why not go mart it? Because i don't know how to explain to gojek, to buy the cheapest yet complete, plus small enough atlas and dictionaries so that he can carry it easily in his back pack. 

My son eats like crazy now. I'm bewildered by how much he eats! That also made me rethink and (rebudget) our meal plans for the week. He complains if he has to eat the same food in a day. It's just that he eats 3 portions now, and he wants all three portion to have different variety. By the way, that's only lunch and afternoon. By 6 & 8 he'd be hungry again! Off course i don't provide 6 kinds of meal in a day, but still, the new eating habit require a more creative approach in meal plans. By the way, why is food so much more expensive now? Specially salmon! 

Noelle is sleeping now, finally i get a little time for my self. Now, should i sleep? run to the gym? learning andrew's mandarin material? make doctor's appoinment for noelle and bela? (They've been coughing for a while, despite my constant nebulizing and their usual cough remedy),  or maybe i should make proposal for work? 

I'm pretty tired, i've had a busy morning. I  need to decide, and quick. 

Andrew will be home in 30 minutes, not enough time to do anything except to prepare his food. When he reached home, i'd tell him to eat and take a nap. Then maybe i can go to the gym, unless, the school want me to provide something to bring tomorrow that we don't aready keep at home. Wait, if i go to the gym, then, i'd be too late to get the girls to the doctor. Unless i go at 2.30, be done by 3.30, bath etc 30 minutes. Tell the driver to bring the kids to pick me up at the gym, we'll reach doctor at 4.30. Will wait about 1 hour to get in. By 6 we'll be done but the medicine will not be ready. Ah too late i think. We wont be back in time for dinner and studying time. 

I guess, i'll know as soon as Andrew gets home.