A Study in Relationship

I realized not a lot of people talk about marriage. The truth anyway. The real what's it like to be married for more than 5-10 years. What you have to get through everyday. Most people think that in marriage there are some disagreements, but we are sure we will always find a common ground.

Most people keep a tight shut door when it comes to the realness of being married, hence the gap between the dream and the reality. I my self don't really know how to talk about this without giving the wrong idea. I sometimes feel duped when i get to some stage in my marriage which is far beyond my imagination and people would say, "relax, that's normal." I feel like cheated, to be honest, because nobody had told me about it before.

My parents got divorced when i was 13. It was in September 1992. I was mature for my age, so both my parents often confided in me. I usually never said a word, but, merely listen to their pain. Fast forward 14 years later, i got married and maybe i jumped in blindfolded, because i really don't know how a wife should be. 

There were so many things i didn't know about being married and it was painful for me to realize how i made so many mistakes without even knowing i did. I hate the fact that i hurt my husband without knowing and for years i have felt so much bitterness or resentment toward some of the things he never said but clearly minded. 

These were my mistakes :

1. The tones and the words that i used when i object the things he did or said. I was upset but i never meant to disrespect him, but apparently, when i said certain things, he perceived them as disrespect or mistrust.

2. When we fight, i always want to talk about them. Discuss them. I asked him questions and i feel hurt and abandoned when he left the house. Apparently, men's brain simply need about 7 hours to process what happen and then they need more time to asses how they feel about it. I found the research that reported this fact and felt guilty for thinking awful things about my husband. I thought he was just selfish, and that he didn't care about me.

3. Often, both my husband and i feel unappreciated. Like all that i do is never right, and he'd feel everything he does for me always seems to be wrong. I found out that, we human being do not feel loved the same way. Some of us feel loved when our spouse says words of affirmations, some feel loved when given quality time, some feel loved when they receive gift, some feel loved when their spouse help them, some feel loved when touched physically. This is why we feel love deprived and also unappreciated. My husband feel loved when he receive gift and when i help him, so he shows his love to me by giving me gifts and helping me around. While i feel loved when he give me his quality time and touch me physically, so i show my love my giving him time and hugging him a lot. So you see, we both felt unloved because we did not get what we need, and we both feel unappreciated because all our effort to show love didn't get the response that we hope for. I'm still learning how to love my husband in the way he needs to be loved, but it's a constant journey and i still get confuse.

4. I also learned about forgiveness. We used to think that forgiveness means being able to forget the wrong doing. I thought, when we forgive that means, all the hurt, anger, and mistrust will immediately evaporate the moment we forgive. That's not the case. Forgiveness is a decision. It does not evaporate hurt, anger, mistrust, nor does it eliminate any consequence of the wrongdoing. Forgiveness allow healing, and everything else needs to be earned back, in time. 

5. I also found out that i'm a day person and my husband is a night person. Which means, i really shut down around 9 or 10, While my husband needs to go out around that time. When a night person meet a day person, he will feel suffocated and controlled, even though the day person never meant to do that, but that's just the way the night person would feel. 

There are still so many mistake that i did or thought about. I recommend you to read, "For Women Only" by Shaunty Feldhahn, "The 5 Love Language" by Gary Chapman, and "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" by Gary Chapman. I learned a lot from these books. I'm still a work in progress. A lot of times, it is very hard to change myself, because i'd feel hurt when i have been trying like heaven to change, and then my husband just simply, doesn't. Sometimes it hurt me when he feels that the change in my behavior or tone of voice were actually overdue. Even if he's right, it still hurt when my efforts were not acknowledged. So, the change in me could take a long time to really make a difference that matters. 

Beside the mistakes, i also didn't know about certain things. Like how superbly annoying men are when they are sick. OMG, a lot of times when my husband is sick, i'd pray for patience and strength. I also didn't know that i'd be alone in parental duties to help our children study. I hate that i'm alone in teaching andrew do his school work, or make noelle start recognizing words, or trace letters, or teach bella to sing. I also hate that when i'm busy teaching andrew, he'd just shove phones and iPads to make the girls sit quietly, or call the nannies, while he plays Clash Of Kings. Sometimes i feel angry deep in my heart because of this. 

I thought, parental duties will be shared or at least we would somehow work together or work something out together. But so far, it is not just my husband who really lack involvement in this area, i have not seen dads that actually do 1/4 of we moms must do. To be honest, i still resent this. The older and wiser women had come to terms and accepted this fact. I'm still struggling. I still resent that my husband can go home and take a bath and then play with his phone or hobbies, while the moment i reach home i have to check andrew's agenda, check his notebooks, study with him till late, and then when he goes to sleep, i then take a bath, and maybe, i can watch netflix, if i'm not too tired or emotionally drained.

I gotta be honest, there are times when i feel i'm alone in the marriage and in being a parent. There are times like i'm fighting alone. But every time i feel like i can't bear it, i pray. So that i will become even stronger. That i will become more patient and wise. 

I am a work in progress, and i guess, that is what i will always be. A person, who will always fight to be better, stronger, and wiser.

Ah birthdays!

This is the time when we reflect on our lives. We would probably shared some wisdom and life lessons that we have aquired during our years.

Well, i don't really know any wisdom. Because, my conclusion at my 37th year in this world is this: I don't know anything. The things that i have premeditated had been completely wrong or off the mark. By a lot. 

Here are some of the things i thought i knew to be true at least 15 years ago : 

1. Leaders have to know everything.

2. Marriage is hard work but it'll be managable.

3. I know men, what their wants and needs. 

4. I know about forgiveness. 

5. I have ambition

6. Bringing up kids will get easier as they grow up. 

7. I know how and what to eat.

8. I know my self.

9. You got to follow your heart.

10. I am smart enough to take on the world.

You guessed it, apparently all of those things are dead wrong.

It took years to understand and accept how wrong i was about these things. It took maturity and humility, but i know now, i have learned a lot and still have much more to learn. 

A Weird Breakdown

Ok yesterday was scary. 

I was in the car when i started to feel like it's so heavy to breathe. Then i feel totaly weak. Like it's even so hard to lift my head. Then i feel like i want to throw up, my chest hurts and my hand & feet were shaking. In a few minutes, my breathing became harder and harder. I began to feel scared. I didn't know what was going on with me. 

I told my driver to turn the car to the office. I WA my sister and my husband, they think i was just tired and stressed. They told me to go home and rest. But i can't breathe and i told Anita to please come down, i'm waiting in the car and i needed help. 

She didn't think i was serious, so it took her a while to get to my car. She was shocked to see that i couldn't talk by the time she saw me. She rushed me to Siloam ER and called my husband.

I was so embarassed. I hate weakness. I hate that i was so weak that i couldn't even speak. The ER was full but I was the only one under 60 that have old people symptoms. So embarassing. 

As i was waiting, i tried to think about what might caused this. I didn't eat or drink anything out of the ordinary. I drank my usual kale juice that i have been drinking for 1,5 years, i ate my favorite mie ayam at subscribe, that was it. Heart attack? Unlikely. I've been leading an active life. Not to mention i drink vegetable juice 2x a day. I don't eat greasy food. 

Man, why can't i breathe? 

The nurse and doctors worked fast. They checked everything, took my EKG, etc. Not long after that, they said, i had GERD. The gas and acid were the causes why i can't breathe, plus chest, and throat ache were consistent with GERD. They think i ate something that's way too gassy or it was triggered by psychological strain. Shit! I hated hearing that. You see, when i was a kid, my mother would frequent the ER and the doctor always told me she was depressed. I had sworn so many times, that will never be me. I'm strong, much stronger than her. I will never let my self get sick because of life problems. 

When the doctor left, my sister looked at me and said, "I think you are stronger than what he said, so it must be something you ate."

"Well, i did had coffee not long before the kale juice. Maybe that was not a good idea. I mean, i'm used to it, but maybe because i haven't been fit since friday, this time that combo causes the gas to build up and i can't withstand them."

Anita said, "yeah, but the whole thing made me feel that we really should start to schedule general check up. We are getting old."

I tried to laugh but it was still hard to breathe, so i ended up coughing like crazy. 

"Jeez, jus, i mean, i have been taking really good care of my self, exercise 3-4 times a week, eat moderatly healthy, i take green juice 2x a day, and shit like this still happened."

Anita said, "yes, it's freaking new teritory. We are not used to how our body react to activities and food these days. Lately i also feel, pain in my bones and i get headache a lot." 

I felt dizzy and said, "yeah, we should start scheduling general check up. My head is spinning." 

She said, "Try to sleep. I'm gonna get my self something to eat."

After she left, the doctor gave me medicine through the iv and soon after i felt better. My head was still spinning, but i can breathe, though the chest pain was still there. I asked to go home immediately and they released me and gave me some medicine. 

I hated yesterday, i didn't want to put it on my blog at first. I rarely get sick. The only times i was hospitalized were when i was 6 because of dengue, then when i deliver my kids, and one i had terrible gastritic problem. So i hated the fact that i broke down over some lame thing like GERD. I ended up posting this because the comment i receive on my last post. I guess it's normal to think that women like me are somewhat super beings, because we rarely post our weak times, or the times when we were overwhelmed over so many things we are required to do. 

Many times over, we women are expected too much. We need to make our husband and kids well fed and happy. We need to have our own self actualization while prolonging our youth, maintaining our body and keeping a somewhat mental stability. So far, i'm always messing one or two things and i'm not sure i'm sane, but as long as people don't realize i'm half mental, i'm fine with that.

Motherhood

Week 4 in July and i'm staying home again today. Noelle lagi ga mau lepas sama sekali dari aku. I love my babies, tapi sakit kepala deh diem di rumah! Cuma bangun dari sofa mau ke meja makan (jarak cuma 2 ubin) dia udah, "mama mau kemana?" Kayanya nggak ada 1 menit dia nggak manggil, "mama!"

I feel horrible for wanting a tiny bit of quiet time. Aku sering ngulang mantra di kepala, "nin, dia bakal remaja sebentar lagi, dan yang ada kamu yang bakal nyariin dia." Mantra ini selalu manjur memusnahkan jengkel seketika. 

1 yang nggak aku sangka, ternyata bukan cuma anak yg bisa clingy sama kita, akupun jadi attached sama Noelle akhir-akhir ini. I'd miss her, walau dia cuma lagi main di atas sama adiknya atau pergi sekolah. Entah kenapa, aku ngerasa Noelle bukan cuma lagi pengen ngelendot ke aku, tapi kayanya dia berusaha melindungi aku. It seems, she's affraid that i'm going to burst into tears or leave her. Apa anak perempuan emang kaya gini sama mamanya? Aku nggak ngalamin ini waktu Andrew seumur Noelle. Noelle selalu nanya, are you ok? Mama sakit ya? (Emang lg sakit), She worries about me. Noelle is perceptive and sensitive, Andrew nggak gitu.

Aku jadi berat untuk ngantor. Barangkali ini pertama kalinya aku bener-bener pengen jadi stay home mom. Mungkin, i need a little time out. I haven't gone out of the house other than with the kids or to run errands. I haven't gone back to exercising or simply having any alone time. 

Any respite that i get is from sleeping. But my waking hours has been dedicated for my husband & my kids lately. I haven't done anything else. I'm sad, a little bored, confused, and stressed too. 

Andrew is in 4th grade now, and this is only the beginning of his second week at school. Yet, his lessons are already stressing me out. This week, he will already have 2 test! One of them is mandarin. Which i have no idea how to help him study. I have been trying to get him a private mandarin tutor, but they are very expensive. Not to mention, his homeworks and other subjects, that will probably need another tutor. Noelle is late in recognizing words, or even name of things. This worries me and it adds to the pile of worries that i have for my kids. Tutors and classes are super expensive, and i have 2 kids that need them. Without tutors and classes, i will never be able to go back to work. Seriously! Andrew's school needs are just that crazy. I hate that schools are not supporting working parents. For instance, they will tell us today, to provide andrew with atlas or dictionary or whatever tomorrow. I got home from work around 6, and then i immediately open his agenda and found things like that. I'm gonna have to go out again, and seek whatever the school told us to provide for tomorrow! 

I know what you are thinking, why not go mart it? Because i don't know how to explain to gojek, to buy the cheapest yet complete, plus small enough atlas and dictionaries so that he can carry it easily in his back pack. 

My son eats like crazy now. I'm bewildered by how much he eats! That also made me rethink and (rebudget) our meal plans for the week. He complains if he has to eat the same food in a day. It's just that he eats 3 portions now, and he wants all three portion to have different variety. By the way, that's only lunch and afternoon. By 6 & 8 he'd be hungry again! Off course i don't provide 6 kinds of meal in a day, but still, the new eating habit require a more creative approach in meal plans. By the way, why is food so much more expensive now? Specially salmon! 

Noelle is sleeping now, finally i get a little time for my self. Now, should i sleep? run to the gym? learning andrew's mandarin material? make doctor's appoinment for noelle and bela? (They've been coughing for a while, despite my constant nebulizing and their usual cough remedy),  or maybe i should make proposal for work? 

I'm pretty tired, i've had a busy morning. I  need to decide, and quick. 

Andrew will be home in 30 minutes, not enough time to do anything except to prepare his food. When he reached home, i'd tell him to eat and take a nap. Then maybe i can go to the gym, unless, the school want me to provide something to bring tomorrow that we don't aready keep at home. Wait, if i go to the gym, then, i'd be too late to get the girls to the doctor. Unless i go at 2.30, be done by 3.30, bath etc 30 minutes. Tell the driver to bring the kids to pick me up at the gym, we'll reach doctor at 4.30. Will wait about 1 hour to get in. By 6 we'll be done but the medicine will not be ready. Ah too late i think. We wont be back in time for dinner and studying time. 

I guess, i'll know as soon as Andrew gets home.

Blackout

A lot of times people ask me, how to get back up when you are down. My usual answer will be, to cry yourself out, pray and then force your self to stand up, and walk, and move your ass forward. 

I used to be that strong. 

Right now, i'm in a place where i don't remember who and what i am. 

Recently i received painful feedbacks about myself, quite frequently. Normally, i welcome feedbacks. No matter how annoying, offensive, or hurtful they were. My first reactions usualy were, either i became defensive or i'd laughed them off. Either way, it'd take me mere hours to think them through, and then i'd start making the necessary behavioral adjustments. This is not hard for me because, my obsessive need to always be better, is much bigger than my ego. But these feedbacks i've been receiving, are hurting me. More than usual. More than what i let people see. 

The feedbacks were not wrong, but they hurt my core, they made me feel lost. I don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I don't know what's normal, what is acceptable. I don't know where we draw the line in everything, i don't even know if the line actually exist or they were figments of my own imagination, Everything i know seemed wrong. 

These words, made me realized how deep the power of negative words can shatter your soul. They made me become more mindful of what i say and my tone when i speak. 

Even knowing all this, the feedbacks still have their hold of me. I don't know why they have so much control over me this time. I feel weird that i can't bring my self up no matter how many pep talk i give self. No matter how many times i pray. I'm still lost. 

Right now, i'm trying to remember what's good about myself. Because i can't remember it. I can't call upon any memory, to remind me of any of it. It seems even my brain is agreeing with me that everything i thought was good about myself, might not be good at all. My own concept of good and bad is wrong, so i have nothing to call good about myself. 

I'm in the dark, and i'm too embarassed and scared to ask my friends, family, or people in general about what they see in me. I can only assume they have been enduring me, or maybe tolerating me, not liking me, or accepting me. I'm too fragile to hear more critiques right now. 

I notice my appetite is decreasing too. I eat but 1/3 or 1/2 of what i normaly eat. I lost any desire to do anything at all, everything i used to love. I don't enjoy learning, books, wine, and i've been making excuses to not meet my own best friend. 

Obviously, i'm sad, and i can't make myself feel otherwise. I feel worthless, and this is the first time ever that i feel this way about my self. I feel that i'm unworthy of forgiveness, unworthy of success, love, and acceptance. All this feelings are so alien to me. I'm scared that i'm starting to lose myself, my being, my soul. How do people's words and action overpower me like this? This has never happened before. I have never not able to turn the other cheek, or bring my self up, or simply trudge on. This angers me, and i hate how weak i am right now. But even anger does little to wake me. Nothing is working, yet.

Journaling

A few days ago i wrote that i feel like i'm on the way to something big. This feeling has got me to act confused. So i thought, i better jot down what is it that my mind seemed to be so busy thinking and my soul busy feeling.

I'm scared..
I have big dreams, and every time i think about the dreams, it made me want to cry. Every time i close my eyes i see my name, and my self on a big stage. Aprilis Conference in 37 countries. Not only in Indonesia, i see my self speaking, on stage in Rio, Amsterdam, Paris, London, Budapest, Somewhere in Norway, Las Vegas, somewhere in Italy, Greece, i see lights, i see my self in a state of wonder that things can happen. I see my self dedicating each conference for my children. I see my self saying, "and lastly, as always, this is for you my kids, Andrew, Noelle, Bela, i have proven my times over that dreams can come true, We just have to start believing in it, and believing in the power of God to make our greatest of intentions come to live."
I see this vision every morning, every time i'm alone, every time my mind drift away. For that many moments in my out of body state, i truly believe it. i truly believe it's going to be. And then i went back to my body, and saw how crazy i am to have these feelings. I feel a big urge to delete this as i write it. Because of the Agnez Mo situation, i'm scared of telling the whole world my dream. You know right, Agnez monica had stated so many years ago that she will go international, and until today, people still hung up on her words, and mock her dreams. Some laugh and think she's full of shit. People don't understand that she might still be on her journey. That's seems to be what happen when you anounce your big dreams, people give you a timeline on when you should achieve it. I'm scared to write down and admit my dreams because i'm afraid people will take me up on it. In my mind, it's going to take probably decades to get to that dream, but, people may think i'm going to make this happen soon or under 5 years. I'm scared that i'll be branded full of shit. I'm afraid that i will make my self believe, that i am full of shit.


Gosh, all this thoughts is tiring me.

I have so much to do, but my mind is taking me else where.

I Google Myself. Often. Do you?

Aaight, i admit it, i did it, and most def will do it again.

Honestly i think, what i'm doing is so vain, but i can't stop my self. It's like reading testimonials about yourself, you read and re-read it many times over. Or, maybe that's just me?

Anyway, from articles and people's book review i get so many previews of the ways people see my sisters and me. People call us The Moran Sisters, and we always jerked a little bit whenever we hear that. Not that we don't like it. It's just a little weird, it made me feel like a star that was given a nickname by the public. You know, like J-lo, olsen twins, etc. I feel like i don't deserve the fame, somehow. I don't know.

I know now that people see us as hard worker, and a lot admire us for that. We are very honored off course, but a lot of times, what we did to achieve success were really just survival instinct. Our dad gave us all of his saving to support us, and if we messed up, Githa (was only 17 when we started) won't be able to go to college. We can't let that happened.

The Moran family, had gained a little bit of fame since our uncle and aunty gained their success in the business world and frequently grazed the pages of respectables magazines. My uncle and aunty have 4 sons, and 2 of them : my cousins Robin Moran directed a movie, and his brother Mickey Moran became a famous DJ (they are great business people too). So, when we first started, my sisters and i had to grew out of very big shadows of great, talented and successful people. Wherever we go, people think we must have come from a successful and wealthy family like they did. Well, if you read my book, you'd know that that's not true. We weren't poor, but we were not wealthy either. Way back then, when people hear Moran, they remember my uncle and aunty and their sons. I'm proud of them, they also started from nothing and they worked extremely hard to get their success, but even prouder now that when i google our family name or my name,  the search also shows our story. I'm happy to be able to make a name for my self. Does that make sense?

Btw, do you google yourself?

On the side note:
Since i started the business until now, i feel like i have a lot of knowledge and experience to share. So, i'm going to set up a video segment in GogirlmagzTv (that's Gogirl's Youtube channel), where people can just ask me anything. So, i'm going to start pulling in questions. If you have any, please list them here.   I will answer them in the video, or if you prefer i can answer them here too.