Baby Weight Blues

Ok, first of all, i need to update that i am currently 22 weeks pregnant and already weighted 60kg. Before you say, "of that's okay, you are pregnant" or whatever, let's remember that i'm a hobbit. I am only 148cm in height. So i look like a tween model in 38kg, a normal asian person in 45kg. Overweight in 50kg, and in 60kg? Well... A baby orca whale without the cuteness factor.

I'm constantly bugging my husband with the question all males hate, "do i look fat?". I know it's starting to get to him, but this is our 3rd baby, so he's very well trained in this area. He knows what expression to post on his face, which gesture, and what to say. I'm grateful that this time arround he even succesfully made me laugh several times even though i was in my most sullen moods. 

But that only lead to me being too dependent on him. I can't be happy unless he's arround. Correction, i can't be at ease when he's not near. It bugs the crap out of me when he wakes up before i do and go downstairs for coffee. Pregnancy is weird. 

It doesnt help that the last time i was pregnant, i was already in my 37 week in this weight. I keep feeling my legs aching and getting in and out of a car is hell. And i'm only 22 weeks, 16 more to go. Which means i could be a teen whale by the time i gave birth to my third angel. 

Don't get me wrong. I loooove my kids. I'm quite excited to meet my third baby. I just dreaded the pregnant phase. It made me feel bad for saying that for so many reasons. But, it's hard to feel chirpy and bubbly when i feel ugly and heavy, and no clothes can fit me. 

Before my sister had her babies, i was miserable only because my first pregnancy was trully hard. I was still in all-day sickness mode up to my 30th week. But when Anita got pregnant, she was not only still pretty, she was also still very skinny. To this day if you look at her, you wouldn't believe she's 32 and have 2 kids. If you don't belive me, check out her instagram page @anita_moran. Life's unfair.

I read somewhere that if you used to be a fat kid, and then you eat right and excercise and lost all those weight, it will still take years for your self image to catch up with you physic. So you will still feel you are the fat kid, even though you are not anymore. I wonder if that's the same with the process of getting older. Because i still feel like i'm 22 and weighted 43kg. The problem is, what i see in the mirror is conflicted with my self image. I think that's probably i made so much fuss. 

in my last coaching session, our coach shared the cause of all misery. Our ideal is not the same as our reality. That's how we became angry or depressed. In this case then i say, that theory is spot on! They say to escape anger and depression we gotta change our habit and mindset. The easiest thing i should do is, think happy thoughts.

Oh well, this is what happened when i don't work. I overthink things when i should be resting. I should go to mom&jo to have my achy body & feet massaged. Or go to heaven (it's books & beyond in karawaci), or sleep, or go to alam sutera and immersed my self in cotton on kids departement. Soon IKEA will open nearby, and i get to go there anytime i want to. 

Now that, is a very happy thought indeed.

A little bun in the oven

About a month ago i was going to meet my friends for dinner when i realized that i was "late".

At Pad 28, Vera noticed i didn't order wine, which of course made her ask, whether i want the usual wine and cheese platter. I smiled a little and said, "guess what?"

"What?" She asked normally, like i was just about to tell her a work story.

I said nothing and just stared at her. She stopped dipping her food in the sauce and looked at me. I just smiled at her. She said, "what??" More insistantly. Since she doesn't seem to be getting it, i said, "i'm 9 days late." Took about a second but then she shriek, "whaaat?!!! Well, have you checked? Wanna check now? Tell your driver to buy, there's a pharmacy near here." 

I laughed. I knew that's how she was going to react. The first time i found out i was pregnant with my first, it was the night before her wedding. We girls gathered for  her and help with whatever. She was exactly like this too. 

"Slow down, this time is different. I'm not sure i'm pregnant."

"What? Why?"

"Well, usually when i'm pregnant i can smell things only dogs can smell, and that's way before i was even late. This time i don't feel or smell anything."

"Well, get a test pack and find out. If you are not pregnant you can order this one, it's good!" She said pointing her drink.

Anyway, that night i didn't test my self and we didn't stay out late. On the way home i bought the test pack. 

I was not expecting it would be positive but the next day when i test my self, it did  show 2 bars instead of 1. 

To be honest, i did not feel that i'm ready for a 3rd baby. Noelle was only 16 months old. Too soon. 

When i told my husband, he was stunned too. I know how he felt. Exactly like me. We are not ready for this, especially financialy. 

So we sort of just live the next hours in a daze. Trying to process our feelings. It was the day before our trip to Macau-Hong Kong, so we just shuffle arround packing and barely notice much else. 

I brought Gogirl 9th anniversary issue to read on the plane. I read the article "Tribute to Mothers" that my sister wrote in the magazine. One paragraph stood out and got me thinking the whole plane ride to Hong Kong. It says, our mom is the perfect mom for us and we are the perfect child for her. 

It was in my room, in Macau when i had the epiphany. Our parents was chosen for us, we did not choose our parents. Therefore, there has to be a reason behind it. Parents actually can't choose what kind of children they are going to have and when their children will arrive in the family.  With every birth, there's a role for the child that God wanted them to be. With every birth there's a relationship that God wanted to happen. Between the parents and the child. The parent is suppose to be teaching the child about life, and the child is suppose to teach the parent how to be a better human being. There's love, pain, story, lessons and journey that God wanted to happen. So we shouldn't be affraid, of anything.

If it's God's will that this baby is meant to be in our family, then let His will be done. 

We are ready and happy for this blessing.  

Leadership is freaking hard!

I had the opportunity to interviewed 3 very admiring women. Mrs Yuanita Rohali, Mrs Lilis Setiadi, and Mrs Dini Makmun. Top leadership in their respective companies.

From these interviews i learned, A LOT.

First and foremost, they take the time to coach their people. *sigh* i hate it. My people skill is really really low. i don't like one on one conversations with other than my best friend, my sisters, and my husband. One-on-ones make me very uncomfortable, to the point that it brings anxiety at the mere prospect of it.

Second, don't give a shit about what people say about you, including what your staff thought of you. It's not your job to care, your job is to run a company. Get the company to have the right vision, policies, and moves that tolerate no-nonsense what so ever.

Third, Result is always the measurement. Mrs Dini Makmun, actually advised me to say this to employees that say, "but i've tried my best.", she told me to say, "well, (with very neutral tone, like discussing the weather), maybe you should start to reconsider whether you are talented enough for this job."

My jaw dropped.
I was silent and probably stared at her bewildered. So she added, "Look, the result is always what matters. If you want me to value your effort, I'm sorry, that can't be done. That's just the way it is"

I really don't know how to react to that. I mean, i know she was right. But, i can't imagine saying that to people. In my mind i said, "they (the employees) will hate me." But, is it part of the package for bosses to be hated by their employees? To be the topic of  lunches and dinners? Whatever we do, if our directions are difficult, employees will always say things behind our back.

So many real people and books by great leaders say the same thing. We can't be great by being nice. My coach even scolded once, NICE actually stands for Nothing Inside me Care Enough.

Being clear in direction, firm and no nonsense are the rule.

So, as leaders, we have to learn to say no to : "but I've tried" excuses, but at the same time we must know whether the employee is actually unclear of what they have to do, or simply don't have what it takes to do the job well.

How the hell do we do that?

They say, the knowledge come to us through that one-on-ones we have with the employee. After a while, they say, we will develop some sort of radar that can separate the bull from an actual systemic problem. *sigh*

All these inner monolog is giving me a major headache... and heartache too.

Leaders always aspire to be loved or admired or both. But, most of the time, it is a lonely position. Steve Job, was seen as an A**  by people who saw the JOBS movie. But i can totally see his point of view. He cared too much of what apple should be, what it (should) stands for. His attention to detail was seen as outrageous, but he only did what's best for the product, for the company. He was seen as someone so unrealistic, unappreciative of his original founders/partners. Again, he seemed cruel, but he was only thinking what's best for the company.

Leaders have to have the guts to demand quality, the strength to make extremely difficult decisions, to stick to those decisions, even when it's hated by a lot of their employees. Leaders must also have relentless will power to soldier on. Especially whenever their vision is seen as ridiculous or impractical. All for the betterment of the company. For that green fields they know existed, way beyond the horizon. Even when everyone else see only steep, dark, winding, endless, worthless, and hopeless road.

So Yeah, leadership is hard.