Monday, 30 May 2016

Am I intimidating?

I have been fully booked by meetings lately, i rarely have time for anything else. I have also been interviewing several people this past 2 weeks to be my assistant. To my surprise 3 candidates that i accepted decided to resign. What the hell is going on? 

My HR manager told me, they seemed scared when they find out they'll be working for me. That's just weird. I met them like a few minutes, 2 i hired on the spot after meeting them for about 90 seconds. 

I'm just really busy, and i know when i see someone with or without potential. So when i feel like i can work with someone, i don't waste time. The reason for their resignation were these : they are not sure they can do the job (what?), they were affraid that they'll disappoint me (come again?), others were just unsure of themselves.

I can list a bunch of questions that i have about the whole situation, but ah, why bother? 

In the old days, i have time to talk about shit like that. I just don't anymore. I mean, i used to want to convince people to come and work with us, I'd encourage them and all, but jeez, i'm not their moms. I don't have the time to baby them, and i sure don't want my company to be a place they want to learn. I want my company to be a destination, not a stepping stone. Granted, our company is not as big as others, but we are growing. That means, we are constantly changing, and i need people who can hit the ground running. I need super stars, not babies.

That seems harsh, but that's the truth. Everyone is working quintuple job decs at the same time right now. Because, what the market need is people with hybrid skill. So the old job desc does not apply anymore. We all have to have multiple skill, do multiple work and multiple responsibilities. 

It is rather a confusing time and we need to be flexible about our own concept of work and responsibilities. We need to rethink our roles. Nowadays i go back to presenting and selling again. I haven't done that in years. In the afternoons after meetings, some of us will sit on the floor of our manager's room. Just brainstorms stuff, making plans for the next day. Do i care that i'm their group CEO? No. I care about getting the job done. Naturally, it's really not surprising if i can't tolerate nonsense like insecurity. I especially hate when somebody ask, "Do i have to do this all by myself?" The last time somebody ask that in a meeting, you can bet the room went silent and you can hear a needle drop. I don't like a whiner, specially one that acted like a spoiled kid when assigned with a responsibility. 

Yeah i'm tough, but I appreciate hard work because i also work hard. I like independent people, and I especially love people who are result oriented. These kind of people don't have time to question themselves, they are curious, and they always try to find solutions plus it's alternatives.

I always say to my HR manager, "incompetent people find excuses, great people always find a way." 

So i guess, i'm still on the look out for that great person who is also culturally fit our company. Pretty sure we'll find them soon. 

Thursday, 19 May 2016

Head daze

I'm so confuse these days. I want people to back off and let me be alone and just read books or watch serial all day but about the same time i want to work. At the same time, i want to forget the whole thing and sleep. But if i sleep i feel like i'm wasting time. 

I feel like I'm obsessed with going forward but scared too. It's like driving a car, but 1 second i hit the gas, revving the engine, and then when it lurched forward I immediately hit the brakes. I feel like i'm doin this to my life, over and over, many times in a day, and by 5 pm I'd be so exhausted.

My mind is full with noises. My heart races. Thoughts running amok. i can't finish any line of thought, because with each one, 3 other pop out. I'm not always this jittery. Maybe i do. Don't know. Don't remember.

So many times this past few weeks, i found my self walking to one direction and then changed course, about 10 steps later i changed my direction again. My body reacted as fast as my thoughts.

What's going on? 

Nothing and so many things at the same time. Does that make sense? 

I really need to learn how to meditate. Quiet my mind. They are too restless and it's making me feel feverish. literally.

Weird, weird. 

I feel like i'm going to ride something big. I feel like my life is about to change, big time. And i'm scared, but ready, but scared. Anxious. 

Breathe nin. Breathe. 

I shall do this, in God. 
In God, i'm enabled.

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

I Believe In The Dream God Put In Me

The world is a funny place. Specially for dreamers like me. Since i was a little girl i always believe that I'm destined for something big. But the world disagrees. What i see in the mirror isn't what the world see in me. 

I see so much doubt in people. They doubt everything. They don't know who they are, they doubt their potential, discouraged, unhappy. A lot of people choose to live like this. Like they are not important. 

I'm like that too when i'm stricken with pain and desperations. But i haven't lost sight of that star that has been leading me above my path. There are days when it does not shine, and these days seem most dark. But i'm always hopeful. I look up with certainty that someday i will see that star again.

We all have a calling. When we are not living up to it, we become lifeless shell. Going through life without meaning, purpose, and growth. 

This is when vanity sets in. I just don't get how critical people can be about others. Specially the way people look or about life choices. I would see a pretty picture in instagram, and the comments would be full of criticism. Some of them did not even have merits. It was as if the writers of those critic were just there to be loud, trying to look wise and deep, and critical. But what came across, to me, were just nonsense, shalowness, and painful words. Very unnecessary. 

I think, maybe, people never meant to do that to us. When people laugh at our ideas, criticized our appearances, belittle us, it only reflects their own fear and limitations. They discourage us because in their mind, they can't do it, so there's no reason why we can.

We have great ideas right now in our company, but few believe it. A lot of people in the industry are talking and laughing about it. Nobody believe in our vision. I think this hurt my crew more than it hurt me. I have seen this before. I've experienced it. I have told you about it in my first book No One to Someone. Yet, this is the first time my crew experiencing it. People always gossip about us but in recent years, no one dared to laugh at us. Now they do. This hurts. 

I try to remind my crew, whenever someone dare to try something new, this always happens. It is almost text book about how people react to new vision. First they laugh, then they mock, then they make fun, and when we prove them wrong they will become quiet, then start praising, then saying to everyone how they've known all along that our idea will be successful. Then we come up with another new idea and the cycle begin again. So predictable that it becomes boring to me. 

People who don't believe in us very often are people who mean the most to us. Could be our parents, our closest friends, our work partners, our better halves. This is when the burden become world shattering and dream killing to most of us dreamers. 

I have a friend that hurt me for her lack of trust in my vision. I never say anything to her, but her doubt still hurts sometimes. I know now that i can't be mad at her or my self. Depending on human being is a futile effort, so, when no one believe in me, i put my hopes and dreams in my prayers. I close my eyes and visualize when it come to pass. I believe it so much that, it become irrelevant what others believe. 

So dream away. Plant your dream in prayers, put your faith in God, work in silence, and let the result make the thunder.  


Thunder thunder thunderation, 
We are tarq generation
When we fight with determination 
We create a sensation

T A R A K A N I T A  
T A R A K A N I T A