Sunday, 8 April 2018

Journal - January 25th, 2018

I wonder. How many percentage of us and our lives are governed by our choice. I know you are puzzled. the negative-minded crowd, we are objects of circumstance. The positive-minded will think, we always have a choice. I agree to the later, but how many percent of those choices actually within our control?

I mean, we didn’t choose to be born with the way we look. We didn’t choose our voices. We didn’t know why certain food taste good to us more than to others. I’m pretty sure we didn’t choose it. What about attraction and love? Why does our heart jump when we see one person and not the other? Did we choose our preferences?

“I guess, it kinda chooses you sometimes.” A friend said.

We learned to live with a lot of other people’s choices. The way we look were passed down by genetic architecture of our parents. Our “casings” were the consequence of our parents “choices”. On the day we were born, a lot of things were already chosen for us. Our skin color, our race, our hair, our religion, our nationality, the city that we will live in, the siblings that’ll grow up with us, everything were thrusted upon us, and we never got the chance to choose any of it at all.

After that eventful day, we started to live our lives and soon enough, they were affected by other people’s choices as well. When we were really young, how many of us really chose our school, when we can go outside, sleep, study, eat, what to eat, hairstyle, our socks, or anything big and small. These things were chosen for us, because we didn’t know how to choose them yet. Granted, by 3 years old, we have our own taste in socks, and my sister used to give my parents grievance about her meticulous choice in socks’ length. But still, you know what I mean.

Lately, I’m struck by how many of other people’s choices, affected my life significantly. I felt sad, angry, and helpless, knowing that I can’t do anything but to accept it, and find a way to move forward.
The thing is, I have a problem with letting go. It’s very hard for me to get over anything. I still can’t get over my cat’s death, and she’s been dead more than a decade ago. It doesn’t hurt me anymore, but to this day, I don’t want to have another pet. That cat was the last pet I had. Before her, I had plenty dogs, cats, birds, fishes, and they all died or ran away, but her death was like, “OK, that’s it, I’m not gonna have any pet ever again.”

Loss, to me, can take many forms. The loss of a friendship, a relationship, a dream, a possibility, ownership of oneself….. sigh, there are so many of them, and I’ve been experiencing all of them, roughly at the same time. It’s pretty upsetting to me that when friendships took a bad turn, relationships fell apart, or when dreams and possibilities died, I didn’t have much of a choice to turn it around. I mean what can I do, when other people involved in it had chosen the opposite of it?

I hate having invested a lot of myself in anything or anyone, only to be rejected, or, never-minded. You know, you can make time and be vulnerable with people, or you can groom them, or you put your trust in them, or made all kinds of plans, only for them to say, “Nah.”

I know I was supposed to walk away elegantly, but I felt humiliated, insignificant, frustrated, and honestly, crushed.

Believe me, I kicked myself every single day for not being able to be cool about all of it, but honestly, I never cared if I looked desperate, angry, or even mentally disturbed. I was hurt, I don’t know how to act all fake and say, “I’m okay, I’m okay, it’s cool.” When obviously, I was not. Thankfully, I’m blessed with this stubborn inner-strength, so even though I’m thoroughly broken, I can still function.

Time has always been the referee, the healer, or I don’t know, the one that catalyzed everything. I know that. Still, I’m impatient about it. Why can I just fast forward, to the time when I don’t care anymore, to the time when all these, are nothing but history.

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Being Faithful

This journey that we are in, the path is getting darker. I have to say, my head is getting lighter. I barely see but i know right now, i am on a boat. One that I'm not steering. The people in this boat are put here. All of us know nothing about where it's taking us. Some of us have strong conviction that wherever we are going, we are being held and led by the power of light. There are too many times when we fell into the water, but always, always came lifted up and put save in the boat again. Like there's an unseen force that's keeping us save, refusing to let us drown. But the way is dark. Some of us have been negotiating to turn around. Go back another day. You see, these doubtful voices, came from people who are just along for the ride. They didn't believe, they are just tagging along. These voices growing louder now. Instilling fear. Instilling weakness to the mind of the faithful.

Everyone in the boat started to get ill. None stand strong against too much force of despair. What are the faithful to do? In all legends and stories, they push on. Guided by nothing but hope. When hope is frail, they push on, with nothing but faith.

"Oh Lord, where we are now, is too hard to breathe," said the faithful. The doubtful, have long been wailing in the corner, crying like a wounded prey. "We should get out now. Abandon ship. Leave now, at least, we will live!" They say. But the faithful say nothing. In their hearts they worship. "Speak Lord, and all shall be." But as they pray, their body wither.

"Stay my soul, steady." say the faithful. Even so, the voice fail to command authority.

"Let's go back now!" bark the people in the boat. But 2 faithful remain. They say nothing to the people in the boat. They say nothing to the raging storm. They look ahead to the darkness. They stood still, frozen still. Their bodies being raged by storm, by illness, by the burden of their minds. But still they are standing. As if they know for sure. As if they've seen, but they have not.

They are waiting.

They are waiting.

Saturday, 14 January 2017

Our Gifts

Today, i'm thinking about our gifts.

So many of of us don't know what our gifts are. In fact so many of us feel that we are less than others. Less lucky, less talented, less beautiful, less important, less this and that. Not a small number of us feel that we don't matter at all.

In the mean time there are people who are in the other spectrum. Some of us in this spectrum feel we are very gifted, some of us know we have great talents, or that we are beautiful, important, matter. Some of us are admired because of our gifts or because we are really great at something.

I was listening to Pastor Brian Houston when i feel like i've been slapped in the face. His sermon made me realized that our gifts were not meant for us. They are not to give us acceptance, approval, or praise. Whether we acknowledge our gifts or not, both are just as bad, if they stray us from the purpose of the gifts.

When we feel we don't matter, we are actually insulting our Creator. I mean, God doesn't make mistakes. I don't think He created us without purpose. There's always a purpose behind every God's creation. Now when we say we don't matter, not only we are insulting the creation of God, we are also blocking the purpose behind our creation to happen.

When we acknowledge our gifts and yet using them for the sake of self actualization alone, that also not realizing God's purpose when He give them to us. How many of us let praise get in our head and then become entitled? How may of us became proud of our gifts and act as if those gift come by themselves, like we summoned them into creation. Like those gifts were never given to us in the first place. Here's when we start to believe, "Shit, I'm good!". Instead of, "Wow, how magnificent is this God's gift. Thank You!'

I have come to a realization that, i need to find that center. Every time i feel like, "God, I'm going out of my mind right? For thinking i can do this." I should remember, "I can do everything that God intended me to do. I can reach out to anyone that God intended me to reach out to."

The reason why some people seem to be better at one thing compared to us, maybe because:
1. They are living their purpose.
2. They've been doing it longer than we do.

Nadia Saib once told me, "I think if we have a dream in our heart, it means we will be given the ways to make that happen."

My dream for quite a while now is to create a platform where i can help women get training, mentoring, and access to money. Before that, my dream is to create this international conference for women. I'm not even sure they are my dreams, because they are more like missions. Convictions. I feel like I've been sent to get them done. Since that day one, when i accepted this challenge, at least 5 times a day, I'm in emotional roller-coaster like i never experience in my life. I'm excited, then scared, then pumped, then i feel like panicking, then pumped again, then feel like i want to cry, then i feel like I'm loosing my mind.

The thing is, if, no.. when this conference is done, I'm gonna break down and cry. Not because i finally feel relived. But because i will be in a state of overawed. I've been merely a good soldier and all i did was said yes to the mission. To The Dream. Everything else that has happened and will happen, all had been moved and will be made happened by God. Not me. I'm not trying to sound modest or sickeningly fake. I really haven't done anything much else than saying yes.

Right now though I'm scared.  I'm scared that maybe I'm kidding my self. I'm scared that maybe I'm being arrogant. I mean, why me? Why am i being entrusted to such big honor as this? Maybe I'm kidding my self right? I kept going back and forth about this.

My theory is that, i have been prepared, maybe i have been equipped, or maybe i am all of that, and also being honed for something else. Something more in the future. All i have to do is, get ready, say yes, learn from this experience, and have faith.

Our gifts aren't meant for us. Our gifts were given to us so that we are equipped to serve in the missions that God wanted us to do. While we are doing one mission, we are being prepared to take on more challenges in the future. That is if we don't quit too soon.

We need to find out our gifts, and how to use it as God intended them. There's a purpose behind those gifts. There are people that are supposed to be helped by them, maybe there are bridges to build, songs to be sung, maybe our gifts will bring inspirations to others and that inspirations create more things that we could ever known. There's always a reason.

I believe when we are living our purposes using our gifts, that's when we feel truly contented.

Sunday, 27 November 2016

Walking on a path

A few months ago, i decided to follow what was "instructed" to me in my heart. To make an international conference that will touch 4000 people's lives. It took me so many months to finally say, "Yes, i will do this."

What happened after was weird, to say the least. From the moment i step out there, Storms started to close in. I was in a battle i didn't know about. I was attacked. My will, my resolve, everything was attacked. By people who don't believe in it, by chances that don't come my way, by cancelations, by distractions, by disheartening decisions, by pain and dissapoinments.

All of the effort to bring me down did not succeed, until one did. One thing happened and it shook me to the core. It made me lose sight and feel of everything. EVERY THING. I walked aimlessness and strayed to the unknown. Slowly though, i feel like the hold of that pain wearing off. I found my self in a place i've never been. Somewhere far and dark all the time. I have stopped my self from wandering off. I am now on my way back to my self. Now i realized, i have walked so far that it'll take me some time to get back to that kingdom of self. That kingdom where i reign knowing with every breath i own, who i am and why i'm here. I can only know it from memory, but i have not feel it in my lungs and my blood, and in every inch of my being. But slowly, i'm on the way.

I've heard this story before, so many times. They say, this is always what happened when you are put in a path. You get tested, you get defeated, you are attacked by the opposites of light. I claimed that i am the light and the salt of the earth. But as soon as i made that i claim, i was sucked in the dark and was made to feel and taste nothing.

When we are put on a mission, when we follow a vision, you thought that you will be guided, the roads will be dangerous but you will be protected. But boy, how i didn't expect the treacherous road! When i was kidnapped by the dark, i saw nothing. Right now, i am beckoned into grace again. But still, i'm the one who has to walk back to the path of light. I have to train my thoughts to believe that this journey will not be in vain. I need to just keep walking and believing. Because faith is the frequency where God work His miracles. I need to stay in this frequency. Even if all i hear is static now. Even if i'm still walking in a dark slippery path, with storms pouring on me. This path will bring me home. I need to discipline my steps, train my thoughts, strategize my provision, i need to surrender my self to the will of God. Everything will fall into place, not as i planned, but as God has planned them to happen.

Keep walking, Nin. It won't be long now. Refocused and discipline yourself. Just keep walking.