Today, i'm thinking about our gifts.
So many of of us don't know what our gifts are. In fact so many of us feel that we are less than others. Less lucky, less talented, less beautiful, less important, less this and that. Not a small number of us feel that we don't matter at all.
In the mean time there are people who are in the other spectrum. Some of us in this spectrum feel we are very gifted, some of us know we have great talents, or that we are beautiful, important, matter. Some of us are admired because of our gifts or because we are really great at something.
I was listening to Pastor Brian Houston when i feel like i've been slapped in the face. His sermon made me realized that our gifts were not meant for us. They are not to give us acceptance, approval, or praise. Whether we acknowledge our gifts or not, both are just as bad, if they stray us from the purpose of the gifts.
When we feel we don't matter, we are actually insulting our Creator. I mean, God doesn't make mistakes. I don't think He created us without purpose. There's always a purpose behind every God's creation. Now when we say we don't matter, not only we are insulting the creation of God, we are also blocking the purpose behind our creation to happen.
When we acknowledge our gifts and yet using them for the sake of self actualization alone, that also not realizing God's purpose when He give them to us. How many of us let praise get in our head and then become entitled? How may of us became proud of our gifts and act as if those gift come by themselves, like we summoned them into creation. Like those gifts were never given to us in the first place. Here's when we start to believe, "Shit, I'm good!". Instead of, "Wow, how magnificent is this God's gift. Thank You!'
I have come to a realization that, i need to find that center. Every time i feel like, "God, I'm going out of my mind right? For thinking i can do this." I should remember, "I can do everything that God intended me to do. I can reach out to anyone that God intended me to reach out to."
The reason why some people seem to be better at one thing compared to us, maybe because:
1. They are living their purpose.
2. They've been doing it longer than we do.
Nadia Saib once told me, "I think if we have a dream in our heart, it means we will be given the ways to make that happen."
My dream for quite a while now is to create a platform where i can help women get training, mentoring, and access to money. Before that, my dream is to create this international conference for women. I'm not even sure they are my dreams, because they are more like missions. Convictions. I feel like I've been sent to get them done. Since that day one, when i accepted this challenge, at least 5 times a day, I'm in emotional roller-coaster like i never experience in my life. I'm excited, then scared, then pumped, then i feel like panicking, then pumped again, then feel like i want to cry, then i feel like I'm loosing my mind.
The thing is, if, no.. when this conference is done, I'm gonna break down and cry. Not because i finally feel relived. But because i will be in a state of overawed. I've been merely a good soldier and all i did was said yes to the mission. To The Dream. Everything else that has happened and will happen, all had been moved and will be made happened by God. Not me. I'm not trying to sound modest or sickeningly fake. I really haven't done anything much else than saying yes.
Right now though I'm scared. I'm scared that maybe I'm kidding my self. I'm scared that maybe I'm being arrogant. I mean, why me? Why am i being entrusted to such big honor as this? Maybe I'm kidding my self right? I kept going back and forth about this.
My theory is that, i have been prepared, maybe i have been equipped, or maybe i am all of that, and also being honed for something else. Something more in the future. All i have to do is, get ready, say yes, learn from this experience, and have faith.
Our gifts aren't meant for us. Our gifts were given to us so that we are equipped to serve in the missions that God wanted us to do. While we are doing one mission, we are being prepared to take on more challenges in the future. That is if we don't quit too soon.
We need to find out our gifts, and how to use it as God intended them. There's a purpose behind those gifts. There are people that are supposed to be helped by them, maybe there are bridges to build, songs to be sung, maybe our gifts will bring inspirations to others and that inspirations create more things that we could ever known. There's always a reason.
I believe when we are living our purposes using our gifts, that's when we feel truly contented.