Saturday, 30 May 2015

I'm not a good mother

Seriously. I'm not.

Not just saying that to fish for complement or sympathy. 

I mean, i try to be, but i fail at all cost, at all sides, and at all tries. 

I love my children. I'm just not a natural born nurturer. I'm very quiet, not patient and very discipline. 

I live in BSD and spend at least 3-5 hours daily going to work and coming home. This alone drains me. Not to mention if i'm having a bad day or simply have a lot on my plate. Combine this with my impatient nature, my kids get a very short tempered mom.

Sometimes when i'm dead tired, i secretly hope that my kids have gone to sleep when i arrive home. When they do, i miss them and i feel horrible for not seeing them.

Lately, well almost 5 months now, there are just too much work, everyday. And for the last couple of days i've been very tired and work always make it to my dreams and gave me chilling nightmares. Just last night i dreamt of armageddon over and over again. First i was crying deep in anguish and pain while trying to get a hold of my sister on the phone. It seems Tsunami or great massive flood is coming and i'm desperately trying to find my sister. I woke up with tears and heavy chest. Then somehow fell back to sleep and the dream restart. This time i'm walking in Sudirman area when suddenly the ground beneath my feet just fell off. i fell deep into the earth with massive land on top of me. I was not dead. I was buried alive. Then i woke up in panic and somehow was so tired and went back to sleep. This time i was not sure where i was. I was carrying Bey, walking, and got a phone call from my husband. Saying he is somewhere underground, with no way out and sick with indigestion and he said he will die soon. And just at that moment suddenly we all saw a big wall of water, like the ones you see in 2012 movie. And we all were going to die. And then i woke up again and stay awake.

I have been having dreams like this a lot. I dreamt of loss and death and armageddon. So i am sleep deprived. On top of this, Andrew's final is coming. I've been teaching him a lot but he's.... Challenging. To say the least. I made him worksheets so he can practice, but all he does is daydream. He looks at the paper and do nothing. When we sit next to him and test him, he can do it. He just does't want to do it.

Yes he has learning difficulties, he's been on therapy for almost 18 months now. But it seems lately he went backwards. The only reason that can cause this is computer games or graphic games. Even the most simple babyish ipad games. But he's been game-sterile for 18 months. Or  at least, as far as my husband and i know. 

He might play at his friends' house. I never consider this, because, i assume he would never disobey us. But, he's getting bigger now. The temptation to play could be too much to handle. But things thats harmless to other kids is damaging for andrew. He can't even do 2-2 = .... 

I'm not dramatizing. As i am writing this, my husband is teaching him math, and i heard him said, "come one andrew, 2-2 is what?" And i heard no reply from andrew.

People don't understand how hard it is to get Andrew back on track. He's only allowed to play lego and puzzle. Because  they made him focus and does not day dream or get distracted, while graphic games over stimulate his brain and makes him unable to focus on anything at all.

And when all he does is day dream, i can't just, not lose it. After 4 days of getting no hint of progress, i gave up and my husband took over. I told you i'm not a good mom. A good mom will never give up. Will be poised. Will be able to inspire her child to want to do more. I'm not a good mom.

I thought motherhood isn't going to be like this. I thought i will be a wise mom, and i will always be patient, and can always talk some sense into my kids. I thought there will never be a need for raised voice, or unreasonable anger. Because i thought, that i can always talk to my kids, i can always make them understand.

How wrong i was. Kids are not adults. They don't understand. They don't have any drive or sense of responsibility, no matter how you train them. Just because they will tidy up their things (responsible), does not mean they feel the need to do their homework on their own. When you guilt-trip them, they don't feel guilty. Simply put, they don't work they way i thought they would. And sadly, they did not came out of my womb with any manual. Same goes for my daughters. Each of them, have their own quirks and "challenges" and i was meant to learn about them with no clue whatsoever.

I'm not a good mother. But i try to be. Still trying. I'm blessed with a husband who is also a very competent father. Together, we'll figure out this parenting thing. Or maybe we wont. Who knows.

1 comment:

  1. Hi mbak nina. I just encountered ur personal blog and I appreciate of what you have written here... you three are looked like superheroes for us. I love that you show ur vulnerability. Humbly I pray that you can overcome everything. God bless you mbak nin :)

    -Chendani- been reading gogirl ever since