Life is

So i decided that i'm not gonna post about celebs who bothers me with their fashion choices. 

I decide to write how life is the way i look at it. 

Yesterday was a good day. I got a loan from the bank to help pay our taxes. It's not enough at all, but at least it's something rather than nothing. So, i'm very grateful about that. Also when i got home, my children were happy, none of them cry or threw any sort of tantrums. Andrew made me happiest because he showed me he got 88 in English and 95 in math. I told him, i'm proud of his hardwork and thank him for his efforts. So it was a great day. 

Today, well. Another happy day so far. Believe it or not, today i only have Rp 204.891,- in the bank, Rp 50.000,- in my wallet and i have Rp 50.000,- map voucher in my bag. I used the 50 to buy lunch (i bought mie ayam GM and tea that cost 47.000). and i'm planning to use the map voucher to buy starbucks. 

My sister and i talked about how poor we are and laugh about it. She also only have less than 500 in the bank and 50 in her wallet. 

Entrepreneurship is funny. There were days when we can buy designer things without even looking at the price tag. But there are also days like today. I'm not worried anymore. I can laugh about how sad and stressful today can be, if i choose to be stressed about not having enough money to buy groceries this week. But, i'm not worrying, so i don't feel stress at all. 

Last sunday, in church, the sermon was told in a story. One day there's an old man carrying heavy load on the way to a local market. After walking for a long time, suddenly there's a young man, who was driving a pick up truck stopped next to him and offer him a ride in the back of the truck. The old man agreed and climbed up with his load. When they reached the market, the young man hopped off and saw the old man was so pale and about to faint. Why? The old man stood and carried his load on the back of the pick up truck all the way to the market. Everyone asked him,"my god old man, Why didn't you rest and just put down your heavy load?". Everybody at church laugh a little. Then the Pastor said, "yes, very funny right? But we all are like that old man aren't we? We go to church, and we pray. We said 'thank you God.' But after church, we bring back our fear and heavy burden back home." Then everyone became very quiet. The Pastor continue,"When we pray, we have to surrender our pain and heavy burden to God. Believe with all our heart that God is more capable than we do. Believe that God heard us, and then worry no more."

The more i think about it, the more i see. Worrying is really because we have little faith that help is really on the way. Mostly because we feel we are unworthy of such special treatment from God. Or was that just me? I worried because, i didn't think i'm worthy of God's helping hand. So i feel all alone in my problems. I prayed but i have little faith that God will help me. Because i'm a nobody. That's why i worried. But i'm not anymore. I believe now. I'm strong now. 

Life is, the way i decide to see it, the way i decide to make it. I can be stressed out today, or i can just laugh about it. See the humor in it. I told my sister, someday i'm going to tell a lot of people about today. 

My problems is still here. I still don't have any money. But i just know, God's help is never grandeur. It's always in this humble appearance of calmness. In quiet happiness. In things just working out very slowly. In small things that seems like coincidences. But i know, all that, are His most definite, devine works.

Thank you God. For Everything. 

Dear God, Please don't let me be those women..

Ok normally i don't bitch about others, specially other women. But maybe just this once, it's an exception.

Like most women, i have not found peace with aging. I try to be classy and accepting, but i freak each time i found one single strand of white hair. Lately i groan at wrinkles forming around my eyes, the dark spots that's more pronounced every month, plus the ones that literally brought tears to my SOUL, are the clothes that look good on me. 

THE CLOTHES

Oh the clothes! *sigh* Mind you, this is where the bitching starts. 

I notice people's clothes. I mean i went to see Spectre and all i saw was, the suits now very tight cut, and the pants are skinny pants. Plus Bond's suits mostly patterned. I also noticed how the girl always wear apropriate outfit for every scene. She was supposed to be taken without notice, but she managed a button down white dress that matches her chloe bag. Not the action scene, or the love scene. Just the clothes. So, it's not surprising that i notice people's clothes when i sit everywhere. Now and then i would notice those women. From the back they were skinny or normal weight, with normal to great hair, looking about in their early twenties. And then they turn arround and you can see that they were probably in their early forties. (You can't cheat your bone structure no matter how good and expensive your night cream is). What's the problem? The problems were, depending where i sat people watching, i would notice these women wearing clothes, that-although definitely looked great on them- just innapropriate. It's just weird seeing a grown woman trying to look 17-20. Like wearing doc mart, with shorts and t-shirt, like we all used to dress, way back in the 90s (and adopted by the teen trend right now). 

Believe me, many many times i stood around the aisles of zara or debenhams looking at several pieces that i used to wear as teens, and believing i can still pull off the look. I have lost a lot of baby weight right now, so some of those outfit can actually look good on me. That is, from shoulder down. But if you look up to my neck and face, then it'd be weird at best, pathetic at worst.

The lady that i've been cringing lately is J-Lo. I mean, i get it Jen, you are hot, your body and skin are better now than when you were in your twenties. But enough with the sheer clothes and bodysuits already. I also get it, in holywood you need to be HOT and YOUNG all the time, but you can be hot without that ridiculus Dsquared jumpsuit. Plus your music is awesome on it's own and you got nothing to prove to people anymore. I just don't get it. 

But you see, the anger toward Jen and other women is mostly because, GOD, i feel like i can turn into them any minute now. Since i still have not accept getting older, i'm so afraid, soon, i'll turn into them. I am desperate on the inside already. I'm afraid that one of these days i would buy that white 8 holes docmart and pick up my son in a short jeans and bon jovi cut out t-shirt. Let's not forget the round sun glasses too. 

Now this writing isn't addresses to the Joan Jett or Anna Dello Russo ladies out there. The Goddesses that can carry a mohawk till the day they die. You know the women like my friend Tika Larasati, the singer or Diana Rikasari the blogger. I mean that's just who they are, you know. It'd be weird seeing them in pencil skirt, or anything like that. 

No this writing is meant for us. The mere mortals, who need to learn to evolve as we get older. By we, i mean, mostly me. 

I just think, i need to learn to accept getting older. I have come to terms being called aunty (lied. I still cringe at the word as i type it). Maybe i should accept that, it's ok to like and wear Chanel Gst in public. Forgive me, Chanel Gst owners, they are my form of proclamation that i'm in an aunty/mom age, and i'm weirdly, not ready to do that. I know. All this, is in my head. I'm freaking insane. 

What weird and hypocrite human i am. I always tell women to be who they are, wear what they like, no matter what. Here i am, judging my self and others for our choices in clothing when it's not age-appropriate. Though i do wonder, when do our choices start to look patheticly trying too hard? Is there ever a line? 

Maybe in my next post i shall post what i see as pathetic and not. Of course that would just be my opinion, and i'm pretty sure i'm batshit crazy. So it wont matter a bit. 

Still, it could be a good practice of knowing my self a little more. Maybe. We'll see.

Tears and Leadership

I heard that being a leader, specially a woman leader, I must always stay calm and collected. Rule number one is to never show weaknesses, above all never cry in front of anyone. I failed to apply this rule.

When i was in college, i was the first woman to be the chief of orientation and faculty camping for the new students. Most people were against me because i am female and did not came from one of the toughest student organization at the time. And if i look further, back when i was in junior high, people bullied me like crazy, specially when i was chosen as one of the coordinators in school student board. They said i'm nothing but a pretty face. So it is not surprising that, when i was sitting in my leadership role, people did not help or cooperate. They were waiting, counting on me to fail. Which of course i did. Many times. 

So naturally i cried. Many times over. Books and any motivational quotes everywhere will tell you how weak i was. That i was supposed to show them that they were wrong, that i can. I should stand tall and become a winner in the end. But how the hell am I supposed to be strong and win and succeed all the time? I can't. So i made mistakes, i failed, and i cried. I watched people revel in my defeat. I heard people talk when they saw me cry. But i don't care.

I have learned, that just because i cried, it does not mean that i'm not strong. Everyone deal with pain and frustration differently. I cry and i pray, a lot. Some people become depressed, some people run away, some people got angry and lash out on everything or everyone. 

They say, i will lose people's respect when i show weaknesses. I guess that can be a problem. Specially when we are sitting in leadership role. Yeah, crying is okay, but i don't cry everytime things go bad. I cried when things have been going really bad for a year, then the burden started to pile up. Even then, i try not to cry in public.

At the expo though, i cried. In public. Because i was frustrated and very angry. I can't tell you why, specially without breaking my own rules of "no blame no excuse no drama." But i was frustrated. I didn't sob like crazy, but during our night evaluation on the second day, i teared up. I looked at my team to search for judging faces, but i didn't find them. They started to ask questions, and as soon as the discussions started, I refocused. Not long after, i ended the evaluation and went to move to discuss the matter with my husband, my sisters, and brothers in law. I was surprised to find some of the crew stayed behind and approached us. It was already very late at night. 

When i saw them coming over, we all made room and started to discuss together. We agreed on some solutions and alternatives. Then everyone went home. 

I was told by many, that i'm authentic. I still don't know what that means. But maybe this is what it means. I don't sugarcoat or try to hide my weaknesses. Maybe by doing so i invited people in. Maybe that's why some of the crew stayed behind without i asked them to and try to discuss the problem together. 

I believe that the success of expo was in the hands of my crew. They worked really hard, and they deserved all the credit.

I'm grateful that i can lead this incredible team. Maybe someday, i can inspire them too, so that they can be a much better leader than i do. 

Tips and Sharing

Ok, i've been told that i'm weird. Well, i've been told many things, and i am weird, but i just found out that i'm weird about sharing tips.

You see, i always find it odd when 25 year olds (when they are not jack ma, or mark zuckerberg) open a consultancy firm and call themselves consultants. I cringe when people who are only been in a business less than 5 years (with few notable achievements) start giving out tips on managements. Or when someone who's only been married for a few years started giving out marital advices. 

To be honest this is the conversation i have with my self about them.

Bad me : "Who the hell do they think they are?" 

Nice me : "Maybe they just felt like, they've been through a lot, and they'd like to share advices on how to get through those hard times."

Bad me : doing a mental one eyebrow raised.

Nice me : "A lot of things can happen in a short span of time."

Bad me : "Still, they lack the experience to give advices. Because their advices are not proven will work."

Nice me : "But nowadays, who can guarantee what will work? You've been working since college, you still have no idea where the world is going!"

Bad me : "My point exactly. With more than a decade of experience, i still can't figure out a lot of things. I find it arrogant for people to give advices with even less experience. Some are even more lecturing than others. Which make no sense to me."

Nice me : "Well that's the D,C, and S in you talking. Try seeing it from I people perspective."

Bad me : "Ah. I see now."

Nice me : " There you go. Whether they realize it or not, their "advices" are addressed to the other I's"

Bad me : "That explains a lot of things. But what if they are not I people?"

Nice me : "Maybe they are Ds. Only D & I people will do this. With different motivation and purposes."

Bad me : "Or they have both. And pretty high. Which made them blind from the arrogance, the need to tell stories/advices, and doesn't think that their lack of experience will matter."

Nice me : "What is it with you and lack of experience? When you were just starting out, you weren't just lacking of experience, you had ZERO experience."

Bad me : "Yeah, but i don't prance arround calling my self an expert, or giving out advices, or write a book about it. I did that so much later, and i still cringe about advices. I don't give them unless someone ask me for it."

Nice me : "Yeah, but from DI perspective, they just need to tell their story. They don't think long term or whatever. You freaking think too much."

Bad me : "True. Hence the cringing."

Nice me : "Another thing to consider, they might intended their advice for even younger crowds."

Bad me : "Which scares me. They can mislead them. Older crowd will just shrug, younger crowd is different."

Nice me : "They are different, but they are not stupid. They can separate the real deal from the BS."

Bad me : "Not from what i saw yesterday in our class."

Nice me : "Why are you? When did you change into this, weird person with mommy way of thinking?"

Bad me : "Hey, I thought I'm the nasty one here!"

Nice me : "Well, we are the same person anyway."

Bad me : "True. Shit. Great. Now, I'm not aging on the outside, I'm freaking old in my head too."

Nice me : "You don't have to be, if you would just open your mind wider. You've been narrowing it little by little."

Bad me : "I'll keep it open, but, hmm i don't like it."

Nice me : "By the way, this could be the reason why you are delaying your second book."

Bad me : "Well of course! I'm not qualified to write what i want to write. Yet."

Nice me : "When will you be?"

Bad me : "When i get to the next milestone."

Nice me : "When is that?"

Bad me : "Who knows? But maybe after all of our problems passed."

Nice me : mental laugh. "Like that ever happens."

Bad me : "Oh shut up!"

As always, the bad me lost. Unwillingly, Begrudgingly. Unhappily. Bad me is not done arguing, but for now, both the good and bad is tired of it,and really need to get some sleep. 

Expo day 2 is in a few hours away.