Love at 36

It's always hard to write about love. Because no matter how strong we are, when it comes to love, it's another matter entirely. 

In a series that i'm following, one of the character asked,"Do you know how rare love is?" And i thought. That's not true. Love is all around. But then AADC2 released yesterday, and i'm having trouble thinking who to go watch the movie with. 

My expectation about this movie, udah pasti bikin baper! plus the plot of unresolved love between the main characters made me suspect they would talk about that and i expected happy ending. I'm happy in my marriage but my closest friends aren't so lucky right now. A lot of them are dealing with painful matters in their marriages. So, i don't have the heart to take them to see this love story. It would probably be too painful to see. 

Love at the mid 30s is complicated. There are way too many factors that we can't just simply point on what went wrong, when, how, or whose fault it is. In marriage we need to say sorry all the time. Even when we don't believe that it's our fault. We just say it. A lot. We need to forgive a lot too. 

After 5,5 years of dating, and 9 years of marriage i can say things are not as they used to. The butterflies, no longer there. They left long ago, but another creature took their place. Probably a dog or a bear. I don't know. The animal is imaginary anyway. That creature that resides in my stomach became a warmth familiarity. For me, my stomach does not do sommersaults anymore when i see him. But i feel like, i'm home whenever i see him. I can't sleep when he's out of town, even if i do, i'd wake up in the middle of the night looking for him.

The tingle i feel when every touch is new, not there anymore. But i still long for his embrace everyday. 

Love is boring in the mid 30s. Specially when you are happy. But then i remember that quote again. That love is rare. So, now, more than ever, i value it. 

Believe it or not, i'm still embarassed to say romantic things towards my husband. Just last night i looked at him, and i wanted to say, "I just want you to know, that i appreciate you. More than you know." But i didn't say anything. I just stared. He then say, "what?". I said, "Nothing. I love you." He said automatically, without looking away from the game he's playing on his phone, "love you too. Come here." gestured me to lay my head on his shoulder. I did. Then i turned on netflix and started my favorite series. He pull a blanket over me with one hand. Again without looking away from his game. 

Well, that's pretty much romance in my home. Sometimes we talk for hours, but most nights are like that. We still go out and stuff, but it's different when you are older. I guess. 

That could be dissapointing for some people. But i'm happy. That's more than what a lot of my friends have these days. Plus i'm trying not to take familiarity for granted. I'm just grateful for what we have right now. Our story is not what movies are made of, but it's real. It has it's rollercoaster ups and downs, And it is, LOVE.

I have a confession to make

I'm jealous. 

Yeah i am. Because so many great things  are happening to people around me and i'm not part of it. 

Weird. I haven't had this feeling in a long time. I hate that i'm not included in people's new ventures and successes. 

What's weirder is that i'm currently working on several big things. Very exciting projects. But i'm still jealous at other people's succesful projects.

I don't know why this is happening to me. I hate this feeling. It makes my stomach feels hot and my heart's pounding quicker than usual.

Could it be because, the projects i'm working on takes so slow to move forward? Maybe. It's frustrating me to the point where i'm almost teary. I feel like i want to be angry and cry. Everything is just frustratingly slow. 

Have you ever feel like this? I want to do everything my self but the fact is, i can't be in more than 1 place at a time. I hate this. What the hell am i going to do with this? So annoying.

Are you tired of being good?

More than once i met my friend who like Breaking Bad so much that he said he's inspired to be a criminal. He asked me, "Aren't you tired being good?" 

I said, very quickly, "Nope. I am the light and salt of the earth." with a big smile and a tone of resolved absolution. I said it so fast, so lightly, yet so sure. Like how you would say, "The sky color today is blue." I think it such a shocking thing that everyone suddenly quiet. Absorbing my words. Even me. 

I think i know how they feel. They were probably thinking, "what?" And processing, trying to decide whether there's anything negative about what i just said. Even i do that. But the way i said it, sounded more like hope and the truth at the same time. It's a noble intention yet so strange to hear. 

Now, i'm not being cocky. I just think, sometimes my own words surprise me. Who am i to think that i am all that? That i am the light and salt of the earth. Why did i say that? I don't know. But i know that i believe that's what i am. I believe it's my role in this world. So, no, i don't want to be a criminal. 

It made me think about that game you see on tv shows. 1 person ask a question and the other answer as quickly as they can. The answer normally is the truth that we can't hide. Real believes and feelings come out from the answers.

Have you ever been unsure of something? Maybe to find the answer, you need to play that game. You might be surprised by your own answer. But it's worth to try.

Motherhood isn't all there is

Most of the time being a mom is crazy, but i want to talk about, have the new generation of moms had gone crazy? The reason for this question is, I found out that a lot of new moms now thinks that it's not cool to work and or it's not cool to have nannies.

For me, those believes are just, weird. It's different if you really love being a house mom, or if you simply can't afford nannies. But if you don't work or don't want a nanny just because it's uncool (what?), it's just weird.

Look i'm not here to say, those believes are wrong. I'm just saying doing anything for the wrong reason is bad. The wrong reason here : to get approval from our peers. To be seen as a cool mom, a wonder woman. It gets worse when moms look down on other moms for not being cool. Seriously, are we all still in high school or what?

I think, we were put in this world to do what God intended us to when He created us. We are women, and that makes us daughters, sisters, wives, moms, and grandmas. But those were not the only things that God intended us to become. That's why we have talents. It was given so that we can grow, to realized our potential, to be God hands in this world.

Sometimes it drives me crazy when some friends' only posts are how smart, how deep, how religious their children are. Don't get me wrong. We are moms after all, we are our kids' number one fan. I get it. I'm like that too. The thing that bugs me is when the kid became my friends' entire life. So much so, that their words and captions made me think : "Probably these kids are used as a measurement of what great mothers they are." I mean, even when people don't work, i don't believe in not having anything else than the kid. Kids are God's gifts, they are one of the greatest things that happen in our lives, but again, they are not the only ones. When we throw away our talent and not do anything to hone it, it's really such a waste. A waste of time, a waste of potential, and a waste of God's purpose.

What if we are a good cook, maybe God had intended us to be a chef or a caterer, or a restauranteur. We could be God hands in creating cook books, great cuisines, inspire people, create jobs, etc. Instead, we cower behind these thoughts "what would my friends think of me if i'm busy? or "people will think i'm not a dedicated mom if i have nannies to help me."

In my family, the women are always busy. Our moms and aunties might not always work in an office, but they do work or have their own businesses and they hired help (mba or nannies). They didn't (and still don't) hide behind the stereotype of working women, which i'm sure were even greater at their time. By the way, despite being busy, their children grew out alright. Some, even better than alright.

It really made me sad to see this trend. When will we women really be free to realized our full potential, if now, it's the other women (not just men like it used to) who became the barriers that hinder a lot of us to do more?

Having 3 kids, i'm seeing that, even if my children can get attached to their nannies, they still have great bonds with me. We have quality times and it's all about being discipline with our time. That's why i don't really have pictures of me playing with my kids. Because when i'm home or going out with them, my phone usually no where near me. We have huge sofa at home and most of the time we cuddle together under blankets to watch their favorite episode of Larva or Peppa Pig for the 1198 times. When i talk to andrew about values and important things, i very rarely post them. When i went out with noelle to go shopping, i don't post how cute she was when she tried on multiple clothes. When i'm with them, i'm with them.

Pretty soon, kids have their own friends and activities. Andrew have been nagging me to let him take drum and guitar classes, noelle loves to dance, so is her sister. They all love swimming lessons too. When they do, i sometimes go with them, but a lot of times i made them make friends. Join other kids, so that they become independent kids. When i got home from work, everybody are dying to share stories of their day. My children, well, andrew is proud of my achievements too. More than once he told me how awesome my job is, and he insisted on coming with me on my book tours and told everyone, "That's my mom!"

So it's really about showing our love and making time for them. It really is not anybody else's business how we mother our kids and we should not seek their approval. (Don't get me started on moms who think that just because they delivered their babies normally meant they are better moms than the ones delivered with c-section method) We will make so many mistakes in our lives, but maybe we shouldn't make the unnecessary ones, like letting people's opinion dictate our lives.

We have a duty to God to realized His plans and intentions for us. Because, whatever talents and purpose that God intended for us, it is a great plan. A blueprint of greatness. Greater than what we can ever imagine. Greater than what we deemed ourselves worthy. Who are we to deny that? Why would we want to deny God's purpose, for the sake of looking like a cool mom?

Shouldn't we start asking, "Why did God gave me these talents? What did He want me to do with it? What do God wanted me to become?"

Shouldn't we begin the real journey of finding the true purpose, of why we were put in this world?

Because we really can, you know, be all that we can be and have it all.

Entrepreneurship 101 with Diana Rikasari

Hi guys, a few days back i shot this video with Diana Rikasari. Please watch it and leave your comments below. Thank you! 

https://youtu.be/ymntJ6K3d4M