Blackout

A lot of times people ask me, how to get back up when you are down. My usual answer will be, to cry yourself out, pray and then force your self to stand up, and walk, and move your ass forward. 

I used to be that strong. 

Right now, i'm in a place where i don't remember who and what i am. 

Recently i received painful feedbacks about myself, quite frequently. Normally, i welcome feedbacks. No matter how annoying, offensive, or hurtful they were. My first reactions usualy were, either i became defensive or i'd laughed them off. Either way, it'd take me mere hours to think them through, and then i'd start making the necessary behavioral adjustments. This is not hard for me because, my obsessive need to always be better, is much bigger than my ego. But these feedbacks i've been receiving, are hurting me. More than usual. More than what i let people see. 

The feedbacks were not wrong, but they hurt my core, they made me feel lost. I don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I don't know what's normal, what is acceptable. I don't know where we draw the line in everything, i don't even know if the line actually exist or they were figments of my own imagination, Everything i know seemed wrong. 

These words, made me realized how deep the power of negative words can shatter your soul. They made me become more mindful of what i say and my tone when i speak. 

Even knowing all this, the feedbacks still have their hold of me. I don't know why they have so much control over me this time. I feel weird that i can't bring my self up no matter how many pep talk i give self. No matter how many times i pray. I'm still lost. 

Right now, i'm trying to remember what's good about myself. Because i can't remember it. I can't call upon any memory, to remind me of any of it. It seems even my brain is agreeing with me that everything i thought was good about myself, might not be good at all. My own concept of good and bad is wrong, so i have nothing to call good about myself. 

I'm in the dark, and i'm too embarassed and scared to ask my friends, family, or people in general about what they see in me. I can only assume they have been enduring me, or maybe tolerating me, not liking me, or accepting me. I'm too fragile to hear more critiques right now. 

I notice my appetite is decreasing too. I eat but 1/3 or 1/2 of what i normaly eat. I lost any desire to do anything at all, everything i used to love. I don't enjoy learning, books, wine, and i've been making excuses to not meet my own best friend. 

Obviously, i'm sad, and i can't make myself feel otherwise. I feel worthless, and this is the first time ever that i feel this way about my self. I feel that i'm unworthy of forgiveness, unworthy of success, love, and acceptance. All this feelings are so alien to me. I'm scared that i'm starting to lose myself, my being, my soul. How do people's words and action overpower me like this? This has never happened before. I have never not able to turn the other cheek, or bring my self up, or simply trudge on. This angers me, and i hate how weak i am right now. But even anger does little to wake me. Nothing is working, yet.

Journaling

A few days ago i wrote that i feel like i'm on the way to something big. This feeling has got me to act confused. So i thought, i better jot down what is it that my mind seemed to be so busy thinking and my soul busy feeling.

I'm scared..
I have big dreams, and every time i think about the dreams, it made me want to cry. Every time i close my eyes i see my name, and my self on a big stage. Aprilis Conference in 37 countries. Not only in Indonesia, i see my self speaking, on stage in Rio, Amsterdam, Paris, London, Budapest, Somewhere in Norway, Las Vegas, somewhere in Italy, Greece, i see lights, i see my self in a state of wonder that things can happen. I see my self dedicating each conference for my children. I see my self saying, "and lastly, as always, this is for you my kids, Andrew, Noelle, Bela, i have proven my times over that dreams can come true, We just have to start believing in it, and believing in the power of God to make our greatest of intentions come to live."
I see this vision every morning, every time i'm alone, every time my mind drift away. For that many moments in my out of body state, i truly believe it. i truly believe it's going to be. And then i went back to my body, and saw how crazy i am to have these feelings. I feel a big urge to delete this as i write it. Because of the Agnez Mo situation, i'm scared of telling the whole world my dream. You know right, Agnez monica had stated so many years ago that she will go international, and until today, people still hung up on her words, and mock her dreams. Some laugh and think she's full of shit. People don't understand that she might still be on her journey. That's seems to be what happen when you anounce your big dreams, people give you a timeline on when you should achieve it. I'm scared to write down and admit my dreams because i'm afraid people will take me up on it. In my mind, it's going to take probably decades to get to that dream, but, people may think i'm going to make this happen soon or under 5 years. I'm scared that i'll be branded full of shit. I'm afraid that i will make my self believe, that i am full of shit.


Gosh, all this thoughts is tiring me.

I have so much to do, but my mind is taking me else where.

I Google Myself. Often. Do you?

Aaight, i admit it, i did it, and most def will do it again.

Honestly i think, what i'm doing is so vain, but i can't stop my self. It's like reading testimonials about yourself, you read and re-read it many times over. Or, maybe that's just me?

Anyway, from articles and people's book review i get so many previews of the ways people see my sisters and me. People call us The Moran Sisters, and we always jerked a little bit whenever we hear that. Not that we don't like it. It's just a little weird, it made me feel like a star that was given a nickname by the public. You know, like J-lo, olsen twins, etc. I feel like i don't deserve the fame, somehow. I don't know.

I know now that people see us as hard worker, and a lot admire us for that. We are very honored off course, but a lot of times, what we did to achieve success were really just survival instinct. Our dad gave us all of his saving to support us, and if we messed up, Githa (was only 17 when we started) won't be able to go to college. We can't let that happened.

The Moran family, had gained a little bit of fame since our uncle and aunty gained their success in the business world and frequently grazed the pages of respectables magazines. My uncle and aunty have 4 sons, and 2 of them : my cousins Robin Moran directed a movie, and his brother Mickey Moran became a famous DJ (they are great business people too). So, when we first started, my sisters and i had to grew out of very big shadows of great, talented and successful people. Wherever we go, people think we must have come from a successful and wealthy family like they did. Well, if you read my book, you'd know that that's not true. We weren't poor, but we were not wealthy either. Way back then, when people hear Moran, they remember my uncle and aunty and their sons. I'm proud of them, they also started from nothing and they worked extremely hard to get their success, but even prouder now that when i google our family name or my name,  the search also shows our story. I'm happy to be able to make a name for my self. Does that make sense?

Btw, do you google yourself?

On the side note:
Since i started the business until now, i feel like i have a lot of knowledge and experience to share. So, i'm going to set up a video segment in GogirlmagzTv (that's Gogirl's Youtube channel), where people can just ask me anything. So, i'm going to start pulling in questions. If you have any, please list them here.   I will answer them in the video, or if you prefer i can answer them here too.