Love at 36

It's always hard to write about love. Because no matter how strong we are, when it comes to love, it's another matter entirely. 

In a series that i'm following, one of the character asked,"Do you know how rare love is?" And i thought. That's not true. Love is all around. But then AADC2 released yesterday, and i'm having trouble thinking who to go watch the movie with. 

My expectation about this movie, udah pasti bikin baper! plus the plot of unresolved love between the main characters made me suspect they would talk about that and i expected happy ending. I'm happy in my marriage but my closest friends aren't so lucky right now. A lot of them are dealing with painful matters in their marriages. So, i don't have the heart to take them to see this love story. It would probably be too painful to see. 

Love at the mid 30s is complicated. There are way too many factors that we can't just simply point on what went wrong, when, how, or whose fault it is. In marriage we need to say sorry all the time. Even when we don't believe that it's our fault. We just say it. A lot. We need to forgive a lot too. 

After 5,5 years of dating, and 9 years of marriage i can say things are not as they used to. The butterflies, no longer there. They left long ago, but another creature took their place. Probably a dog or a bear. I don't know. The animal is imaginary anyway. That creature that resides in my stomach became a warmth familiarity. For me, my stomach does not do sommersaults anymore when i see him. But i feel like, i'm home whenever i see him. I can't sleep when he's out of town, even if i do, i'd wake up in the middle of the night looking for him.

The tingle i feel when every touch is new, not there anymore. But i still long for his embrace everyday. 

Love is boring in the mid 30s. Specially when you are happy. But then i remember that quote again. That love is rare. So, now, more than ever, i value it. 

Believe it or not, i'm still embarassed to say romantic things towards my husband. Just last night i looked at him, and i wanted to say, "I just want you to know, that i appreciate you. More than you know." But i didn't say anything. I just stared. He then say, "what?". I said, "Nothing. I love you." He said automatically, without looking away from the game he's playing on his phone, "love you too. Come here." gestured me to lay my head on his shoulder. I did. Then i turned on netflix and started my favorite series. He pull a blanket over me with one hand. Again without looking away from his game. 

Well, that's pretty much romance in my home. Sometimes we talk for hours, but most nights are like that. We still go out and stuff, but it's different when you are older. I guess. 

That could be dissapointing for some people. But i'm happy. That's more than what a lot of my friends have these days. Plus i'm trying not to take familiarity for granted. I'm just grateful for what we have right now. Our story is not what movies are made of, but it's real. It has it's rollercoaster ups and downs, And it is, LOVE.

I have a confession to make

I'm jealous. 

Yeah i am. Because so many great things  are happening to people around me and i'm not part of it. 

Weird. I haven't had this feeling in a long time. I hate that i'm not included in people's new ventures and successes. 

What's weirder is that i'm currently working on several big things. Very exciting projects. But i'm still jealous at other people's succesful projects.

I don't know why this is happening to me. I hate this feeling. It makes my stomach feels hot and my heart's pounding quicker than usual.

Could it be because, the projects i'm working on takes so slow to move forward? Maybe. It's frustrating me to the point where i'm almost teary. I feel like i want to be angry and cry. Everything is just frustratingly slow. 

Have you ever feel like this? I want to do everything my self but the fact is, i can't be in more than 1 place at a time. I hate this. What the hell am i going to do with this? So annoying.

Are you tired of being good?

More than once i met my friend who like Breaking Bad so much that he said he's inspired to be a criminal. He asked me, "Aren't you tired being good?" 

I said, very quickly, "Nope. I am the light and salt of the earth." with a big smile and a tone of resolved absolution. I said it so fast, so lightly, yet so sure. Like how you would say, "The sky color today is blue." I think it such a shocking thing that everyone suddenly quiet. Absorbing my words. Even me. 

I think i know how they feel. They were probably thinking, "what?" And processing, trying to decide whether there's anything negative about what i just said. Even i do that. But the way i said it, sounded more like hope and the truth at the same time. It's a noble intention yet so strange to hear. 

Now, i'm not being cocky. I just think, sometimes my own words surprise me. Who am i to think that i am all that? That i am the light and salt of the earth. Why did i say that? I don't know. But i know that i believe that's what i am. I believe it's my role in this world. So, no, i don't want to be a criminal. 

It made me think about that game you see on tv shows. 1 person ask a question and the other answer as quickly as they can. The answer normally is the truth that we can't hide. Real believes and feelings come out from the answers.

Have you ever been unsure of something? Maybe to find the answer, you need to play that game. You might be surprised by your own answer. But it's worth to try.

Motherhood isn't all there is

Most of the time being a mom is crazy, but i want to talk about, have the new generation of moms had gone crazy? The reason for this question is, I found out that a lot of new moms now thinks that it's not cool to work and or it's not cool to have nannies.

For me, those believes are just, weird. It's different if you really love being a house mom, or if you simply can't afford nannies. But if you don't work or don't want a nanny just because it's uncool (what?), it's just weird.

Look i'm not here to say, those believes are wrong. I'm just saying doing anything for the wrong reason is bad. The wrong reason here : to get approval from our peers. To be seen as a cool mom, a wonder woman. It gets worse when moms look down on other moms for not being cool. Seriously, are we all still in high school or what?

I think, we were put in this world to do what God intended us to when He created us. We are women, and that makes us daughters, sisters, wives, moms, and grandmas. But those were not the only things that God intended us to become. That's why we have talents. It was given so that we can grow, to realized our potential, to be God hands in this world.

Sometimes it drives me crazy when some friends' only posts are how smart, how deep, how religious their children are. Don't get me wrong. We are moms after all, we are our kids' number one fan. I get it. I'm like that too. The thing that bugs me is when the kid became my friends' entire life. So much so, that their words and captions made me think : "Probably these kids are used as a measurement of what great mothers they are." I mean, even when people don't work, i don't believe in not having anything else than the kid. Kids are God's gifts, they are one of the greatest things that happen in our lives, but again, they are not the only ones. When we throw away our talent and not do anything to hone it, it's really such a waste. A waste of time, a waste of potential, and a waste of God's purpose.

What if we are a good cook, maybe God had intended us to be a chef or a caterer, or a restauranteur. We could be God hands in creating cook books, great cuisines, inspire people, create jobs, etc. Instead, we cower behind these thoughts "what would my friends think of me if i'm busy? or "people will think i'm not a dedicated mom if i have nannies to help me."

In my family, the women are always busy. Our moms and aunties might not always work in an office, but they do work or have their own businesses and they hired help (mba or nannies). They didn't (and still don't) hide behind the stereotype of working women, which i'm sure were even greater at their time. By the way, despite being busy, their children grew out alright. Some, even better than alright.

It really made me sad to see this trend. When will we women really be free to realized our full potential, if now, it's the other women (not just men like it used to) who became the barriers that hinder a lot of us to do more?

Having 3 kids, i'm seeing that, even if my children can get attached to their nannies, they still have great bonds with me. We have quality times and it's all about being discipline with our time. That's why i don't really have pictures of me playing with my kids. Because when i'm home or going out with them, my phone usually no where near me. We have huge sofa at home and most of the time we cuddle together under blankets to watch their favorite episode of Larva or Peppa Pig for the 1198 times. When i talk to andrew about values and important things, i very rarely post them. When i went out with noelle to go shopping, i don't post how cute she was when she tried on multiple clothes. When i'm with them, i'm with them.

Pretty soon, kids have their own friends and activities. Andrew have been nagging me to let him take drum and guitar classes, noelle loves to dance, so is her sister. They all love swimming lessons too. When they do, i sometimes go with them, but a lot of times i made them make friends. Join other kids, so that they become independent kids. When i got home from work, everybody are dying to share stories of their day. My children, well, andrew is proud of my achievements too. More than once he told me how awesome my job is, and he insisted on coming with me on my book tours and told everyone, "That's my mom!"

So it's really about showing our love and making time for them. It really is not anybody else's business how we mother our kids and we should not seek their approval. (Don't get me started on moms who think that just because they delivered their babies normally meant they are better moms than the ones delivered with c-section method) We will make so many mistakes in our lives, but maybe we shouldn't make the unnecessary ones, like letting people's opinion dictate our lives.

We have a duty to God to realized His plans and intentions for us. Because, whatever talents and purpose that God intended for us, it is a great plan. A blueprint of greatness. Greater than what we can ever imagine. Greater than what we deemed ourselves worthy. Who are we to deny that? Why would we want to deny God's purpose, for the sake of looking like a cool mom?

Shouldn't we start asking, "Why did God gave me these talents? What did He want me to do with it? What do God wanted me to become?"

Shouldn't we begin the real journey of finding the true purpose, of why we were put in this world?

Because we really can, you know, be all that we can be and have it all.

Entrepreneurship 101 with Diana Rikasari

Hi guys, a few days back i shot this video with Diana Rikasari. Please watch it and leave your comments below. Thank you! 

https://youtu.be/ymntJ6K3d4M

Pertanyaan Seminar

Tgl 4 April nanti, aku akan jadi pembicara seminar bareng Pak Ridwan Kamil di Atma Jaya Jakarta. Seminarnya tentang kepemimpinan dan hari ini panitia sudah mengirimkan daftar pertanyaan yang akan dibahas di seminar nanti.

Karena seminarnya bareng pejabat, pertanyaannya lumayan ajaib buat aku. Ada beberapa yang bikin aku hampir keselek saking kebayang bakal beda banget jawabanku sama Pak Pejabat. 

Pertanyaan kaya apa sih? Mending nanti dateng aja ke Atma tanggal 4 April ya. (Bisa hub panitia @himemuaj di instagram). Tapi mungkin aku bisa kasih bocoran sedikit, salah satu pertanyaannya gini :

Gimana cara anda memperjuangkan nasib pegawai anda?

Di otak aku, sebagai walikota, pastinya Pak Ridwan Kamil bakal jawab yang nggak jauh-jauh sama usaha-usaha pro-rakyat. Sementara aku? Untungnya pertanyaan ini dikasih tau sekarang. Kalo engga, Jangan-jangan aku ngakak di tempat, nggak sopan banget kan?

Ini kedua kalinya aku ditanya pertanyaan yang bikin aku antara terperangah dan geli sendiri. Kenapa? Karena betapa jauhnya kenyataan dunia usaha sama ekspektasi penanya. Kalau ditanya apa usaha aku memperjuangkan karyawanku, di otak aku, apa penanya berpikir pemimpin perusahaan itu memang normalnya memperjuangkan nasib karyawannya? Beda sama pejabat negara yang memang bertugas mengayomi, melindungi, memperbaiki kualitas hidup rakyat yang dipimpinnya, pemimpin perusahaan bertugas mempunyai visi ke masa depan, membawa bukan cuma profit tapi juga growth. Jadi lucu saat pertanyaan ini dilontarkan ke pimpinan perusahaan, karena kita nggak (mainly) bertugas memperjuangkan nasib karyawan kita. Karena tujuannya growth, jadi kalau karyawannya nggak mau diajak maju, ya nggak perlu diperjuangkan. Bukan artinya kita akan semena-mena sama hak-hak karyawan kita, tapi di dunia bisnis, nggak ada mindset seperti itu. 

Aku kebayang, ngomong kayak gini nanti mungkin akan ngasih kesan kalau aku punya hati sedingin es atau mimpin dengan tangan besi. Tapi kenyataannya emang gitu. Dunia kerja itu keras banget buat semua pihak. Keras buat pengusahanya, keras juga buat karyawannya. Kita dituntut untuk bisa terus beradaptasi sama segala hambatan & rintangan, dan sering banget, karyawannya nggak siap atau nggak kuat untuk berubah. Saat perusahaan dan karyawan udah nggak 1 ritme, pengusaha harus ngambil keputusan-keputusan sulit kayak mendemosi atau melepaskan karyawan itu untuk pergi. Ini berat, tapi keputusan berat kayak gini cuma salah satu dari banyak banget keputusan yang harus diambil pimpinan perusahaan. Langkah yang tentunya kebalikan dari memperjuangkan nasib si karyawan yang dia pimpin. 

Sepertin aku bilang, ini kedua kalinya aku ditanya pertanyaan mirip. Pernah, di pembahasan lain di seminar MEA aku ditanya gini, "Sebenernya kualitas pekerja Indonesia kayak apa sih dibanding pekerja lain di Masyarakat Ekonomi Asia?" Pertanyaan ini dilontarkan setelah 3 pembicara ngungkapin selama 1,5 jam bahwa, standar etos kerja kita kurang banget dibanding etos kerja tenaga kerja di negara MEA. Setelah kita capek-capek bilang, MEA atau enggak, keberhasilan seseorang jarang ditentukan dari standar pelajaran yang mereka dapat di universitas, lebih ke sikap diri yang terus mau usaha lebih, belajar terus menerus, dll. Tapi tetap aja nanya pertanyaan di atas. Masalahnya pertanyaan kayak gini membuat aku berpikir, apakah mentalitas anak muda sekarang segitu manjanya? Maunya nggak ekstra usaha, kuliah aja bikin kita udah bisa bersaing di pasar MEA? Maunya nggak usah belajar new skill sesuai perubahan jaman karena nasib dia di dunia kerja harus dilindungi bahkan diperjuangkan sama bosnya? Maunya aman, nyaman, tanpa harus banyak perjuangan dari dirinya sendiri? Haruskah nasib kita ditentukan oleh sekolah kita? dosen kita? pejabat kita? pemimpin kita? Why? Kenapa kita nggak bisa cari cara sendiri? Kenapa nggak fight buat nasib kita sendiri? 

Aku pikir selama masih ada pertanyaan yang kayak gini, mungkin artinya masih banyak banget orang mikir nasib mereka ada ditangan orang lain, keadaan, atau ditangan kesempatan. Padahal kalau kita mau maju, semua ini harus kita ciptakan dan perjuangkan sendiri. Tentunya berbekal doa dan iman atas penyertaan Tuhan di dalamnya.

Anyway, kayanya seminarnya bakal seru nih. Nggak sabar nunggu tgl 4 April! 😊😊😊

May i have your services for free?

Yesterday, a friend of mine screen-cap a twitter mention. It says, "Hi, can we have coffee, plus do a personal consultation, but for free? Thank you."

Well, this friend of mine has a lot friends that sells services for a living. They are psycologist, writers, coywriters, graphic designers, financial planners, public speakers, videographers, art directors, business consultants, illustrators, etc. So of course, this post made us all told our own tales of people shamelessly asking us to give our services for free.

Here's the thing. The day has come for us to speak up. Because, i think it's time for people to understand what we actually feel when we do not have the heart to say No.

Every human being were given a gift or some gifts by God. These gifts were meant to be used to make a living and make us feel happy while doing it.

Some people are good with money and investments, so they became financial planners. Some people good at doing business, so they sell business consultancies. A lot of people can write a copy that moves people to buy, so they became copywriters. Tons of people are good at drawings, or designs, or manage an events, so they became illustrators, designers, and event organizers.

All these people made our pinterest board filled with beautiful array of inspirations and aspirations. Table settings, event decorations, flower arrangements, artwork, beautiful photography, etc. 

Other people have expertise that we rarely get from school or universities. We learn a lot from them through seminars, workshops, talk shows, their youtube channel, their books, etc.

I think all these people sells things that made everything more beautiful and meaningful. Yet, they are some of the most undervalued people in our country. 

People had repeatedly came to me to ask Gogirl to write or produce a video content for their websites or inhouse magazine. The catch was, they wanted it for free or would only pay 1/10 of our price. When we politely declined, they replied by shaming us, like we were gold diggers for asking our rate. 

Most often, i get asked a lot to speak at multiple events, but when i ask for my fee, they grew annoyed or shamed me or belittle me or saying things like, "We never have to pay for a speaker." Or "This event is for students only, can you waive your fee." or "Are you dreaming? No speaker is that expensive!"

The thing is, it's really okay if people does not want to use my service or if i'm too expensive for some people. But it crossed the line when they said things that made me feel like i don't matter. Like my experiences and expertise does not worth that much. 

What i share in speaking occasions are 1. My Time, 2. My Experience, 3. My Expertise. I recently calculate how much my time worth at www.clearerthinking.org and the result was : 1 hour of my time worth US$ 466 per hour or about 6 million rupiah per hour. What this means is, if i work for less than 6 mio per hour, i'm wasting money. Now if take a speaking job, usually it takes about 2-3 hours. Let's factor in the time i need to spend to get to the location, and then, normally after the gig it self, people do come over and talk to me and ask me more questions. Very often, i had to do a mini therapy session right then and there, because there are always people whose root problems are mainly huge ego or huge self doubt. So i'd spend half a day for one speaking event. It means that time is worth about 24-36 mio. Now if i spend 4-6 hours working on my business, i would have had about 9 one on ones meetings, close 2 deals that worth a lot, and i'd use the time left to chop of some big project. So is it so surprising if I charge 7-15 million per speaking job? It's already a lot of discount from how much my time actually worth, but that's when people started giving me all the hurtful responses. Rejection is fine. But the added resentment, well that's a bit much. Other times people say things like, "You make so much money, can't you do this for charity?" I think the key to any charity is that, it has to be for a cause that move us, and we have to want to give it from our hearts. When people ask us to give our services for charity, it kinda feel like forced charity.

I guess the best that i can show you how it feel is this. Do you know those booths from Unicef, WWF, SOS, Yayasan Jantung Indonesia? You know how they corner you, and ask you all these question, and basically ask you to give your heart (and money) to a good cause. How many of us care about children and animal wellfare? Countless, i bet. But forced charity isn't something we enjoyed doing or giving. Does that mean we are insensitive human being? No. We just don't feel good when people guilt trip us to do something, no matter how good the causes are.

You see, that's how people feel when you ask "forced charity" as in giving our services and advices for free or a ridiculusly cheap rate. Think about how you feel, when people guilt trip you to do something. Think about how you feel, when people tell you that your time doesn't matter to them. Think about how you feel when people used you, overworked you, and pay you nothing or such a small salary. When we are undervalued, it can make our self-worth sink deeper everytime we completed a job. How can we be happy, when we feel robbed and unappreciated?

Here are some tips that you can do when you want to "hire" people to give you advices or do a creative job : 

1. Respect them. Never ask their fee for free. Paying fees too low (and too slow) are just as bad as asking it for free.

2. You can ask, what will you get from the fees that you are paying, and then you can compare them to other speakers, experts, designers, etc. This is your right as a client. 

3. You should factor in, what else they'll give you other than the service alone. For instance. I stay behind after speaking jobs for an hour (max) to talk to participants, which i think is very private and beneficial for them. The comittee can actually manage this and ask me to do a real private session and they could (and should) sell it exclusively to smaller number of participants.

4. Ask for a package deal.

5. Barter or semi-barter is okay, but remember, what you give should have a real monetary/profit value for the person you want to hire. You can ask them what they want, because what's valuable to them might be different to what you have in mind.

6. Remember, to people who sells services, time is their most valuable asset. So if you can't afford their private sessions, invest yourselves in their books, seminars, workshops, talkshows, public classes, online classes, etc. Trust me, What you'll get from them, (most of the time) will definitely last longer than those movie tickets-popcorns-blended drink combo you bought lastnight :D