i can't remember the last time i don't think about tomorrow
the last time i don't have anything to do and lay low
the luxury of time that travels slow

i can't remember the time when love is a dream
because everything is never how it seems
i've seen friends lose themselves in pretend
like their search of meaning knows no end
other times i see how lonely we are
or angry because of deeds that's gone too far

they say never settle for less
because we deserve the best
but, so deep is the fall
from reality to the dream of having it all
no one has it all
but that does mean sad at all

we are under the illusion that we have control
but many times i feel like i'm playing a game with no console

i have a conviction
though many times they feel like fiction
like i'm lying to my self
like i'm selling a perfection

i was told by a friend,
"nina you are a legend"
maybe is should believe her
so that i can become her

i'm out of balance
but i'm not forsaken
my fire is dim within the absence
somewhat forgotten

i'm disoriented yet i am strong
i'm trying to recenter, reclaim where i belong
i'm not a tag-along
i'm a lioness, a queen all along
i just have to remember that before too long

Scary Dreams

No i don't have nightmares again. I haven't have any since we paid off our tax (Thank God!). On the contrary, i have a huge dream that scares the hell out of me. I want to make a week of inspiration camp. For girls and women. Later i will make for boys and men too. But my first move will be to create this international gatherings of girls and women where we learn from each other. I have this dream for so long but i haven't got the guts to make it happen. But i'm making it happen now. I call it Aprilis Conference. It will be held in The Kasablanka, 29 April 2017. 

Yes, it's only a day. But i will start with a day. I want this so bad that i literally dream about it at night. Apcon is the nickname that people give this event. People who? People that i've told this idea to. I have trouble eating and i find my self in steve job's mode. Translation : wearing the same outfit everyday, hmm but not the turtleneck and the straight leg blue jeans. I am wearing black t-shirt and black skinny jeans almost everyday. Only when i'm meeting people, i will put on an outer or a proper shirt over my t-shirt. I'm focusing but in the same time also feeling that my mind is racing all the time. With scenarios and worries, and ideas, and everything else.

To ensure that i don't break down like the last time, i make time to meet friends more often. Specially entrepreneur friends. They are the most understanding bunch when it comes to these things. Just being around them comforts me. I know that's weird. I've also gone out of my comfort zone to start hanging out with new people. Still in the entrepreneurial scope, but, hey this is huge for me. I'm having a little anxiety attack just thinking about it. 

My best friend just took off to Cambodia, alone, backpacking. I envy her, but with everything that's going on, i'm pretty much nailed to my city. Too many projects, too little time. 

I'm also in the middle of pitching our new ideas to advertisers. Everyone in the company are on edge. I had a tearful argument with my sister last week. We are scared and frustrated, but we ended the day in good terms. It's been a while since we actually fought because of work, but it's very understandable why it happened. The stakes are high and we haven't make much progress just yet. It's been too much, and we are just really tense.

Soon i will be able to share the things that we've been working on, but not just yet. 

I'm tired even though i haven't done much physically. Actually i haven't done anything physical since my pilates studio closed down. Maybe that's why.

I know that we are going to make it, it's just a bit scary right now. But hey, that's how it's supposed to be. I need to scare my self shit like this all the time, because that means i'm insane enough to think big. I think, i need to hang out with even more with batshit-crazy people, so that some of those impossible dreams i have would seems juvenile next to theirs. This usually motivates and calms me at the same time. 

By the way, i have some exciting news. I have been asked to give commencement speech at my almamater. I've always wanted to do that. I still don't know what i'm going to say, but yaayyyy! 

alright, i better do some research on how to give commencement speech, cuz if it's up to me, i'd asked the graduates to take a we-fie and be done with it :)

My Youtube Chanel

I'm starting a youtube channel soon. I have some ideas on what shows i'm going to do, but i really wanna hear what do people want to know from me. I mean, i'm surprise that there are people who actually read my blog, so i'm guessing you guys, probably waiting for me to share some stuff that interest you.

So anyway, i'm going to list some ideas that i have, and see if you guys like any of it, or have other ideas in mind.

1. Leadership show: i know a lot of people specially millennials love to have their idea how a leader should be, so it'd be interesting to do a show about it. Maybe i'll invite my friends who are leaders in their companies to share their leadership style.

2. Relationship : the ideal vs the reality

3. Men : I'm going to invite men and ask them questions we still don't understand about them

4. Motherhood : i hate this topic, because too many moms judging other mom, so i might refrain on this topic

5. Endurance : I get asked a lot how to endure tough times, so this can be something to talk about

6. Ambition : i think we have way too little ambition, or maybe our ambition needs better direction?

7. Book discussion : pretty self explanatory

8. Life skill : the things we need to learn to be a better or happier person.

 So, what do you guys think? which one you like best or look forward to? do you have any suggestions?

Let me know in comment below. Thank you!

A Study in Relationship

I realized not a lot of people talk about marriage. The truth anyway. The real what's it like to be married for more than 5-10 years. What you have to get through everyday. Most people think that in marriage there are some disagreements, but we are sure we will always find a common ground.

Most people keep a tight shut door when it comes to the realness of being married, hence the gap between the dream and the reality. I my self don't really know how to talk about this without giving the wrong idea. I sometimes feel duped when i get to some stage in my marriage which is far beyond my imagination and people would say, "relax, that's normal." I feel like cheated, to be honest, because nobody had told me about it before.

My parents got divorced when i was 13. It was in September 1992. I was mature for my age, so both my parents often confided in me. I usually never said a word, but, merely listen to their pain. Fast forward 14 years later, i got married and maybe i jumped in blindfolded, because i really don't know how a wife should be. 

There were so many things i didn't know about being married and it was painful for me to realize how i made so many mistakes without even knowing i did. I hate the fact that i hurt my husband without knowing and for years i have felt so much bitterness or resentment toward some of the things he never said but clearly minded. 

These were my mistakes :

1. The tones and the words that i used when i object the things he did or said. I was upset but i never meant to disrespect him, but apparently, when i said certain things, he perceived them as disrespect or mistrust.

2. When we fight, i always want to talk about them. Discuss them. I asked him questions and i feel hurt and abandoned when he left the house. Apparently, men's brain simply need about 7 hours to process what happen and then they need more time to asses how they feel about it. I found the research that reported this fact and felt guilty for thinking awful things about my husband. I thought he was just selfish, and that he didn't care about me.

3. Often, both my husband and i feel unappreciated. Like all that i do is never right, and he'd feel everything he does for me always seems to be wrong. I found out that, we human being do not feel loved the same way. Some of us feel loved when our spouse says words of affirmations, some feel loved when given quality time, some feel loved when they receive gift, some feel loved when their spouse help them, some feel loved when touched physically. This is why we feel love deprived and also unappreciated. My husband feel loved when he receive gift and when i help him, so he shows his love to me by giving me gifts and helping me around. While i feel loved when he give me his quality time and touch me physically, so i show my love my giving him time and hugging him a lot. So you see, we both felt unloved because we did not get what we need, and we both feel unappreciated because all our effort to show love didn't get the response that we hope for. I'm still learning how to love my husband in the way he needs to be loved, but it's a constant journey and i still get confuse.

4. I also learned about forgiveness. We used to think that forgiveness means being able to forget the wrong doing. I thought, when we forgive that means, all the hurt, anger, and mistrust will immediately evaporate the moment we forgive. That's not the case. Forgiveness is a decision. It does not evaporate hurt, anger, mistrust, nor does it eliminate any consequence of the wrongdoing. Forgiveness allow healing, and everything else needs to be earned back, in time. 

5. I also found out that i'm a day person and my husband is a night person. Which means, i really shut down around 9 or 10, While my husband needs to go out around that time. When a night person meet a day person, he will feel suffocated and controlled, even though the day person never meant to do that, but that's just the way the night person would feel. 

There are still so many mistake that i did or thought about. I recommend you to read, "For Women Only" by Shaunty Feldhahn, "The 5 Love Language" by Gary Chapman, and "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" by Gary Chapman. I learned a lot from these books. I'm still a work in progress. A lot of times, it is very hard to change myself, because i'd feel hurt when i have been trying like heaven to change, and then my husband just simply, doesn't. Sometimes it hurt me when he feels that the change in my behavior or tone of voice were actually overdue. Even if he's right, it still hurt when my efforts were not acknowledged. So, the change in me could take a long time to really make a difference that matters. 

Beside the mistakes, i also didn't know about certain things. Like how superbly annoying men are when they are sick. OMG, a lot of times when my husband is sick, i'd pray for patience and strength. I also didn't know that i'd be alone in parental duties to help our children study. I hate that i'm alone in teaching andrew do his school work, or make noelle start recognizing words, or trace letters, or teach bella to sing. I also hate that when i'm busy teaching andrew, he'd just shove phones and iPads to make the girls sit quietly, or call the nannies, while he plays Clash Of Kings. Sometimes i feel angry deep in my heart because of this. 

I thought, parental duties will be shared or at least we would somehow work together or work something out together. But so far, it is not just my husband who really lack involvement in this area, i have not seen dads that actually do 1/4 of we moms must do. To be honest, i still resent this. The older and wiser women had come to terms and accepted this fact. I'm still struggling. I still resent that my husband can go home and take a bath and then play with his phone or hobbies, while the moment i reach home i have to check andrew's agenda, check his notebooks, study with him till late, and then when he goes to sleep, i then take a bath, and maybe, i can watch netflix, if i'm not too tired or emotionally drained.

I gotta be honest, there are times when i feel i'm alone in the marriage and in being a parent. There are times like i'm fighting alone. But every time i feel like i can't bear it, i pray. So that i will become even stronger. That i will become more patient and wise. 

I am a work in progress, and i guess, that is what i will always be. A person, who will always fight to be better, stronger, and wiser.

Ah birthdays!

This is the time when we reflect on our lives. We would probably shared some wisdom and life lessons that we have aquired during our years.

Well, i don't really know any wisdom. Because, my conclusion at my 37th year in this world is this: I don't know anything. The things that i have premeditated had been completely wrong or off the mark. By a lot. 

Here are some of the things i thought i knew to be true at least 15 years ago : 

1. Leaders have to know everything.

2. Marriage is hard work but it'll be managable.

3. I know men, what their wants and needs. 

4. I know about forgiveness. 

5. I have ambition

6. Bringing up kids will get easier as they grow up. 

7. I know how and what to eat.

8. I know my self.

9. You got to follow your heart.

10. I am smart enough to take on the world.

You guessed it, apparently all of those things are dead wrong.

It took years to understand and accept how wrong i was about these things. It took maturity and humility, but i know now, i have learned a lot and still have much more to learn.