Monday, 8 August 2016

A Study in Relationship

I realized not a lot of people talk about marriage. The truth anyway. The real what's it like to be married for more than 5-10 years. What you have to get through everyday. Most people think that in marriage there are some disagreements, but we are sure we will always find a common ground.

Most people keep a tight shut door when it comes to the realness of being married, hence the gap between the dream and the reality. I my self don't really know how to talk about this without giving the wrong idea. I sometimes feel duped when i get to some stage in my marriage which is far beyond my imagination and people would say, "relax, that's normal." I feel like cheated, to be honest, because nobody had told me about it before.

My parents got divorced when i was 13. It was in September 1992. I was mature for my age, so both my parents often confided in me. I usually never said a word, but, merely listen to their pain. Fast forward 14 years later, i got married and maybe i jumped in blindfolded, because i really don't know how a wife should be. 

There were so many things i didn't know about being married and it was painful for me to realize how i made so many mistakes without even knowing i did. I hate the fact that i hurt my husband without knowing and for years i have felt so much bitterness or resentment toward some of the things he never said but clearly minded. 

These were my mistakes :

1. The tones and the words that i used when i object the things he did or said. I was upset but i never meant to disrespect him, but apparently, when i said certain things, he perceived them as disrespect or mistrust.

2. When we fight, i always want to talk about them. Discuss them. I asked him questions and i feel hurt and abandoned when he left the house. Apparently, men's brain simply need about 7 hours to process what happen and then they need more time to asses how they feel about it. I found the research that reported this fact and felt guilty for thinking awful things about my husband. I thought he was just selfish, and that he didn't care about me.

3. Often, both my husband and i feel unappreciated. Like all that i do is never right, and he'd feel everything he does for me always seems to be wrong. I found out that, we human being do not feel loved the same way. Some of us feel loved when our spouse says words of affirmations, some feel loved when given quality time, some feel loved when they receive gift, some feel loved when their spouse help them, some feel loved when touched physically. This is why we feel love deprived and also unappreciated. My husband feel loved when he receive gift and when i help him, so he shows his love to me by giving me gifts and helping me around. While i feel loved when he give me his quality time and touch me physically, so i show my love my giving him time and hugging him a lot. So you see, we both felt unloved because we did not get what we need, and we both feel unappreciated because all our effort to show love didn't get the response that we hope for. I'm still learning how to love my husband in the way he needs to be loved, but it's a constant journey and i still get confuse.

4. I also learned about forgiveness. We used to think that forgiveness means being able to forget the wrong doing. I thought, when we forgive that means, all the hurt, anger, and mistrust will immediately evaporate the moment we forgive. That's not the case. Forgiveness is a decision. It does not evaporate hurt, anger, mistrust, nor does it eliminate any consequence of the wrongdoing. Forgiveness allow healing, and everything else needs to be earned back, in time. 

5. I also found out that i'm a day person and my husband is a night person. Which means, i really shut down around 9 or 10, While my husband needs to go out around that time. When a night person meet a day person, he will feel suffocated and controlled, even though the day person never meant to do that, but that's just the way the night person would feel. 

There are still so many mistake that i did or thought about. I recommend you to read, "For Women Only" by Shaunty Feldhahn, "The 5 Love Language" by Gary Chapman, and "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" by Gary Chapman. I learned a lot from these books. I'm still a work in progress. A lot of times, it is very hard to change myself, because i'd feel hurt when i have been trying like heaven to change, and then my husband just simply, doesn't. Sometimes it hurt me when he feels that the change in my behavior or tone of voice were actually overdue. Even if he's right, it still hurt when my efforts were not acknowledged. So, the change in me could take a long time to really make a difference that matters. 

Beside the mistakes, i also didn't know about certain things. Like how superbly annoying men are when they are sick. OMG, a lot of times when my husband is sick, i'd pray for patience and strength. I also didn't know that i'd be alone in parental duties to help our children study. I hate that i'm alone in teaching andrew do his school work, or make noelle start recognizing words, or trace letters, or teach bella to sing. I also hate that when i'm busy teaching andrew, he'd just shove phones and iPads to make the girls sit quietly, or call the nannies, while he plays Clash Of Kings. Sometimes i feel angry deep in my heart because of this. 

I thought, parental duties will be shared or at least we would somehow work together or work something out together. But so far, it is not just my husband who really lack involvement in this area, i have not seen dads that actually do 1/4 of we moms must do. To be honest, i still resent this. The older and wiser women had come to terms and accepted this fact. I'm still struggling. I still resent that my husband can go home and take a bath and then play with his phone or hobbies, while the moment i reach home i have to check andrew's agenda, check his notebooks, study with him till late, and then when he goes to sleep, i then take a bath, and maybe, i can watch netflix, if i'm not too tired or emotionally drained.

I gotta be honest, there are times when i feel i'm alone in the marriage and in being a parent. There are times like i'm fighting alone. But every time i feel like i can't bear it, i pray. So that i will become even stronger. That i will become more patient and wise. 

I am a work in progress, and i guess, that is what i will always be. A person, who will always fight to be better, stronger, and wiser.


  1. I really, really, can't thank you enough for sharing this. As I child from a broken home family, marrying a guy from a perfect family (I know there's no such thing as a perfect family, but still, you know what I mean), I'm struggling a lot in my marriage. Of course it's still far from 10, even 5 years. That's why I'm really grateful you share your story so I could learn about it. Number 1 and 3 really got me. Those are frustrating.
    Again, thank you.

    1. let me know if there's any point you want me to write more

  2. I Love "5 Love Languages book". A friend recommend it to me to understand that everyone has different need. Even i'm not yet married

    1. Then you'd love "things i wish i'd know before we got married." By gary chapman. I listen to it's audio book version in Scribd.

  3. Thank you for sharing this, Mbak Nina. I'm still far for being married, but this opens up many new things to me. Thank you :)