Nightmares again

I woke up panting and angry again. 

I dreamt that i was in court, where my counterpart was not. This is the countless time that they do this. I picked up the phone and start yelling at them untill i was out of breath and stuttering frantically.

Then i woke up. Still angry. In fact, anger overpowered me that i can barely think. 

Then i breathe. A little voice in my head said to me,"Breathe. You are worrying. Remember last sunday's sermon. Have faith. Do not worry."

I know i do that. I contemplate a lot. And my reasoning normally comes to calm me down. If you've seen inside out, lately sadness and anger has been in control. My joy is fighting like crazy to win. But right now, there are 2 other heroes in my head that are keeping me sane. It's my reasoning and my will. 

I'm so tired. My husband is out of town. Usually when i have nightmares, i curl up closer to him. I used his body temprature to calm me. Normally this trick work because he is always a lot warmer than me, and because of that, I always can go back to sleep. But he's not here right now. 

So i blog. To tire my self to sleep.

I am tired though. I wish my children slept here last night. Hmm. I should just try to go back to sleep.

Girl Who Code

I'm not talking about the program. I'm talking about me :)

This is my 2015 Dreamboard 

Yeah, i wanted to take webmaster class, so i have been taking the class somewhat regularly now.

In my class there are all kinds of people. In the morning the ones who comes are female, mostly mommies like me. A little later normally comes the students, in the afternoon till late normally come the guys. 

Around 7pm, the ones who had been sitting since opening time will be burned out and started to abandon their codes and chat with others. They mostly leave me alone and sit around each other on the other end of the class. They would begin discussing what they are working on and ask feedbacks and stuff. But when they got bored they talk about girls.     

Their discussions were so funny. I guess I forgot what it's like to be single. I forgot that single people likes to talk about the opposite sex and make all kinds of assumptions. Haha their discussions brought me 17-23 years back. I vaguely remember the time i would sit with my girlfriends discussing "Do you think he likes me?" "Do you think he's call?" "Should i call first?" "...... What do you think that means?". These guys in my class had more or less the same kind of discussion. They ask each other, "Why did you not ask her out?" "Do you think she like me?" "Should i call her? What should i say when i call her?" "What does she look like?" "Good women are so rare, they all after our money." "My gebetan is so hot, she look like Scarlett Johansen." Here i had to laugh and pretended there were something funny in my phone). 

What's funny? Well, I remember when, as a single girl, i used to worry about these too. Now i know, guys are just as nervous when it comes to dating. When they like you, they just do. No matter what you do, they are already smitten by you, heck in his mind, you are as hot as Scarlett Johansen. I wish i knew that when i was young and single. It would set me free. I'd not worry that being the smart, strong independent girl that i am would put off the guys. I came to know that a bit late. I only knew that in college. But i imagine, if only i knew that even back in junior high, i would probably have a different teen life.

Anyhow, their discussions and jokes often grew to theories and funny assumptions about girls that's so waaaaay off! I really had to conceal my giggles. 

One of their joke is so dry, that i had to feel a little sorry for them too. 

One of the guys told the other, (i have to use bahasa here, otherwise it wont make sense. "Ya lagian lo ngomong bahasa kode (ngode dlm bhs program), gimana dia ga php (sistem pemrograman) in lo" terus ngakak kenceng! - (dlm hati : becandanya lokal banget guys 😅) 

Yang lain nimpalin, "emang lo ngeline apa?" Si mas yg ditanya bilang (dengan nada frustrasi) "gue bilang, lo ; nya gue. Trus dia ga ngerti. Ya gimana ya, gue juga susah jelasinnya." (Disini aku harus batuk-batuk nahan ngakak)

Ya iyalah cewenya ga ngerti. Kan bukan programmer mas.

But for my blog reader, i can tell you, the guys was actually being pretty sweet. In code basically means, your program wont function without ; 

So basically he was saying, " you complete me, or i can't function without you."

So sweet right? Too bad the girl of his dream doesn't get it. Wkwkwkwk!

The Tumble,Bend Over Backwards, and Everything in Between

I think this is the perfect time to show that entrepreneurship isn't for everyone. Doesn't matter what kind of business you choose, if you own it, then, you are an entrepreneur. 

This is the start up era. Just about every seminars talk about this type of business. Everyone are emphasizing how much money you could score by selling your start up. It's new and it's sexy. But people are forgetting, that start ups are businesses too. And the owners behind it does not always have figured things out. 

The way you should run a business, is always the same, in principle. Including this new type of business. Unfortunately the start up owners are not always equiped with minimum management skills. So, it does not surprise me that the most successful start up owners, for instance Sophia Amaruso of Nasty Gal, had to let go of her CEO chair and gave it to someone else. 

The only thing that start up does not need is huge capital. And most people think start up is doable by everyone just because it's cheap. While, it's exciting, i need to warn my compadres out there, to not make the same mistakes that i did. Remember the business side of your business. All the non-creative side of it needs to be dealt with, creatively. All the boring side of it, like getting to know the HR law, Tax law, Finance, Accounting, etc. 

I'm not trying to scare away people who wants to be an entrepreneur. It's just how it is. I know that most people wont even listen to me. Hahaha, i know how old i sounded. But it's okay. Nobody told me about this when i was just starting out. They all just said that things were impossible for me to achieve. I'm not doing that. I've just walked several yards ahead, so i'm here simply to shout out, "watch out, there's a big gaping hole, bring whatever you need to deal with it when you get there." I'm not even here to dictate you how to deal with it.

The reason for this post is simple. Start ups or not, businesses are messy and we need to equip ourselves. Don't be a cliché and repeat the most common mistake that entreps do. Make your own mistakes. That way, someday, you can contribute giving our community new ways to survive the madness.

Thank you!

Thank you Karlina. 

Your kind words moved me. I wish i can be my witty self, and come up with thankful words that can express how truly grateful i am for you and your kindness. But I'm speechless, at a loss for words. 

I can only say thank you. May God bless you! 

Thank you, but no (comment) thank you.

Came across postingannya Sarah Sechan waktu liburan. Dia pake baju renang one piece tapi keliatannya kaya pake bikini. Trus ada followernya yg komentar "hobinya pake bikini kalo ke pantai?" Trus si follower ini kena omel banyak orang karena di komen-komen yang lain dia bilang "ini indonesia, adat ketimurannya masih tinggi, ada banyak baju renang yg lebih sopan." 

Terus intinya masing-masing ada yang bela.

Aku jadi keinget temen orang Singapore yang bilang kenapa sih orang Indonesia ngurusin orang banget. Tadinya aku ga ngeh, tapi kalo liat case ini & suka liat gimana teman2ku yang muslimah berhijab aja suka di bully karena dibilang kurang syar'i dll, ya berarti bener juga ya... Orang Indonesia terlalu ngurusin hidup orang lain.

Jadi mikir juga, kalo gitu, gimana dong supaya hidup kita nggak dikomen & diurusin sama orang lain? Apa artinya kita nggak boleh punya pilihan hidup sendiri? Apa artinya kita nggak usah punya sosmed? Apa beneran akhirnya kita ciptain persona buat sisi-sisi kehidupan yang sebaiknya kita share? bukan fake, tapi hmm udah di edit. 

Buat aku, melelahkan banget managing image supaya sesuai norma orang. Plus sebenernya aku juga rada ga terima kalo apa yang aku post harus selalu proper, eye candy, minimalis atau justru extravagant. I can't live my life faux-candid, pouty, and always in low saturation.

Itu makanya aku merasa, aku mulai nggak relevan sama jaman ini. Aku ga peduli banget orang mikir apa soal aku. Menurut aku, sisi nggak bagus dari hal ini adalah, aku ga peduli aku keren apa engga menurut org lain. aku cuma peduli aku keren apa engga menurut standar aku sendiri. Dan standar aku sendiri itu nggak keren banget buat standar jaman sekarang.

The thing is, banyak banget orang merasa berkewajiban negur orang lain yang dianggap ga syar'i atau ga sesuai ajaran agama masing-masing. Padahal kenal aja engga. Walau dasar pemikirannya bisa dimengerti, tapi mungkin kecuali yang ditegur anak kita/kakak atau adik, aku ngerasa kita sebetulnya nggak punya hak menegur apalagi nyindir. Itu juga sebaiknya nggak dilakukan di ranah sepublik komen sosmed. Mungkin kalo kita ga setuju sama personality/pendapat/post orang yaa unfriend/unfollow aja. Our values are our own, our opinions are our own. Just because we can voice our mind, doesn't mean we should voice it over everything, every time.

Having said that, dari sisi yang posting, mungkin kita perlu lebih nyortir follower kita ngga? Tapi susah sih, secara, hari gini follower banyak bisa ngasih power of influence yang ujung-ujungnya bisa dikaryakan. 

Susah ya hidup di jaman internet. Mungkin kita punya 2 akun aja kali ya? Yg satu real & ga terbuka buat umum. Yang satu lagi yg buat showcase portfolio kita. Atau bisa juga, kalau kita lagi nggak kepengen dikomen kita tulis di caption, "Dengan tidak mengurangi rasa hormat, kami tidak menerima komen dalam bentuk sindiran, teguran, atau celaan. Kami menerima dengan senang hati, masukan berupa uang tunai, atau transferan, atau bisa juga pulsa hp atau pulsa listrik. Tengkyu."

Ribed banget idup di 2015, gimana 2065 ntar ya wkwkwkwkwk 

I'm optimistic, Ga.

Said my sister, Anita.

Then i said, "somehow, me too." But right after, i question myself. "Wait, what? How i can feel this way?" I searched. I can find a pang of lost, and sadness. But there it was. Hope. I'm hopeful. How strange. 

Just a few days ago, i had a panic attack. I sobbed. I threw up violently in the toilet. I hid under my table, gasping for air. I can't breathe. The last time i had this kind of ordeal was in 2006. Even back then, i didn't have it this bad. But back then, i was single. I did not have much to loose. 

What happened? 

Well, money. I'm facing a grim possibility. I owe the government taxes. A lot. 

In previous post i mention that our plea for elimination of fine was denied. To be precise, we were given liniency, but the amount that we have to pay is still a lot. Too much. And we really don't have the resources to pay them. 

Just a few days ago, i got a screen capture chat from my husband. Basically, letting me know, the officers decided to foreclose our assets. They said because we have not paid. But the truth is. We paid, in installment. Every month, except, the month when we have to pay SPT 2015. But i know, what we have paid is still a lot less than what we have to. 

"What do this mean?" I asked my husband. 

He said, "It means. We should sell our cars, our house, everything." 

.....

In Anita's office, we sat. Trying to figure out what to do. But at that time, i felt like my sisters did not gave the discussion the proper attention that it needed. I got frustrated, and to make matters worse, Githa yelled at me. Here i was, about to lose my car, and my house, and they did not care, or offer to make the same sacrifice, and to top it all of, yelled at me?  I teared up, and left the room.

As i made my way down to my own office, i felt a panic attack was building. I can't breathe, i'm angry, i feel water in my throat, nose, and eyes. I am about to sob, and i hated my self. My head kept yelling, "Get it together! Get it together!". But the voice dissapeared as i struggled to breathe. The more i tried to gain control, the more my body shake with anger. As if my body is angry with my mind for not letting it vent.

So i ended up under my big CEO table, crying. About a few seconds or minutes later, i started to feel nauseated. Ran to the bathroom, sat on my knees and vomit. All the while, the voice in my head returned, throwing jabs of insults. "Stop it! Stop it! You are not taking this cooly." And as my head said that, my body stop vomiting. But, the stomach still contracting. Like it still trying to get some stuff out, but nothing did. It's just making my stomach muscles cramped, and it hurt. After that, i went back to my room and sit under the table again. 

I don't know how long i was there until my husband found me. I was not embarrassed. I was too dizzy and exhausted. He called my sisters, and they all sounded horrified to find me there. I can sense that they think i was being too dramatic. 

I told them to just leave me alone. But they moved from crouching to sitting. Cross legged. That's when i know, they will not leave until i explain myself. So i did. 

Anita then said, "I think, we all are just in a state of panic."

I said, "I am. I am panicking. But what made it worse was that, i don't see you guys panicking too. Like you don't feel the seriousness of this problem. Like it has not sink in." 

........

Anita sighed and broke the silent, "You are right. We are not. That's because, we thought this is just another problem, it'll be over soon."

Githa add, "Yes, Ga. And we kinda feel, you'll figure it out. You always do. You always made things turned out alright. You kinda always find a way out for us. So, we..."

"We just don't feel, what you are feeling. And that's not right." Anita added.

"Why is it, you and Kak Larry had to be the one who loses everything?" Githa asked.

"I offered everything i owned because, it's automatic for me. I've been your sister for 36 years and i just felt protective. Of you guys. (I started crying again)... Now that i think about it, i did not even think about my kids, or where we are going to live if we sell my house.... I'm such a bad mother." Right there i felt very guilty and confused. I sobbed hard. 

A quiet voice suddenly whispered in my head, "you are going to be allright. Your kids will be allright." I don't know why, but i felt calm right away. 

"What if i take over finance from now on. That's the only way i can feel the weight of our financial state." Anita said.

I answered, "You can't. Not while taking care of the print and digital content. Finance is not as easy as you think. It takes up your whole day."

"But that's the only way i will be able to really know what you and Ka Larry are dealing right now." Anita said.

"I think you should just call every departement head and talk about their financial state daily. Make them update you daily." I started to feel hopeful. 

"Is it okay, am i prying? Do i not send out a message that i don't trust people?" Anita hesitated.

I squinted. "No. You are In Board of Directors, one of the Founders. Actually, all this time, people think it's very weird that you don't pay enough attention, like you don't care." 

It's getting late. We looked at our phones and gotten a little antsy. We all have kids at home that we need to attend to. Githa read our minds and said, "c'mon, when we leave this room, we have to have a solution or plan in place." I stood up from under my table. Sat on my chair. Everybody quietly just adjust their seating. 

"So, can i take over?" Anita asked while moving to a seat in front of me. I just kept quiet. Githa asked, "What's your concern, ga?". I said, "Finance is detail and minute and at times like this, we have to make daily decisions, and Jujus is... ". 

"Slow." Githa filled in. 

"Yes". glad that i don't have to say it.

"How about we try my suggestion?" I asked. "First thing in the morning, we invite the head of departements related with money and cashflow. From there we then see how they should report to you daily, we should assign someone you trust to make sure and keep track of the department heads' reports and get them written down. She needs to have the authority to do that too."

Anita said, "ok, let's socialize this tomorrow. And in the mean time i'll talk to Ivan. Maybe he has some ideas how we can get the money for the taxes."

The next morning, we had out Expo meeting and asked some people to stick around after. 

After the meeting i made a dasboard sheet, so that everyone we assign can just update their state daily. I also made some calls to the bank on how i can top up my KPR (God, i hope this work out). 

On Thursday, i went and meet a tax officer. I brought proof of payments that we already sent. In their file it looked like we have not paid at all. He said, he'll look into it and reminded us that we still have a lot more to pay.

When i got back to the office, i went to Anita's office and found Githa was there too. They asked how the meeting with the tax officers went. "Fine. But not great. We can file another appeal if we want to. But, seeing how long that took the first time, i'm not sure if that's an option we should explore."

"Let's talk about how we can get the money to pay this then."Said Anita.

"My biggest hope is the KPR top up, Jus." 

"How much do you think we can get?"

"The house will be reappraised, then they would give 70% of that worth minus how much i owe them already." 

"What if the amount is not enough?" Githa asked.

"We can sell my car,  though that won't make much dent." I said.

"I talked to Ivan, we'd borrow money from the bank with our house as collateral." Anita said.

"Maybe if we combine the two, it would be enough?" Githa asked.

In my mind, i thought, Yeah, but both of us are in the deed, i don't know how bank calculate that. I mean, because we are both entrepreneurs, they'll ask for the PT bank statement and our own. And if we both apply credit at the same time, will they give us lower credit? Or not at all? OMG, please let not that be the case.

I finally said, "At this point, we'll just try everything."

Then Anita said,"I'm optimistic, Ga. I have a feeling we can get through this."

She then showed me a bible passage. The story of Jonah. And there's a voice in me that whispered, we are going to be okay.

So i said, "yeah, me too."

Under The Table

I was at my wits end. 

I didn't know what to do. I felt my eyes were hot and i can feel that a sob was building up inside. I'm mostly very composed about problems. But this time. I can't stop this urge to cry. Sob. 

Then i heard, some people coming down from upstairs. Then i panicked. My office is full with glass panel. Soon everyone will be able to see their CEO is, crying. Not quiet tears. Freaking loud, sobbing kind. So. At that moment, i duck under my big table. I sat there. Trying to reign my self. Untill i can't hear anyone, anymore.

No. This is not fiction. This was last monday.