Then i said, "somehow, me too." But right after, i question myself. "Wait, what? How i can feel this way?" I searched. I can find a pang of lost, and sadness. But there it was. Hope. I'm hopeful. How strange.
Just a few days ago, i had a panic attack. I sobbed. I threw up violently in the toilet. I hid under my table, gasping for air. I can't breathe. The last time i had this kind of ordeal was in 2006. Even back then, i didn't have it this bad. But back then, i was single. I did not have much to loose.
Well, money. I'm facing a grim possibility. I owe the government taxes. A lot.
In previous post i mention that our plea for elimination of fine was denied. To be precise, we were given liniency, but the amount that we have to pay is still a lot. Too much. And we really don't have the resources to pay them.
Just a few days ago, i got a screen capture chat from my husband. Basically, letting me know, the officers decided to foreclose our assets. They said because we have not paid. But the truth is. We paid, in installment. Every month, except, the month when we have to pay SPT 2015. But i know, what we have paid is still a lot less than what we have to.
"What do this mean?" I asked my husband.
He said, "It means. We should sell our cars, our house, everything."
In Anita's office, we sat. Trying to figure out what to do. But at that time, i felt like my sisters did not gave the discussion the proper attention that it needed. I got frustrated, and to make matters worse, Githa yelled at me. Here i was, about to lose my car, and my house, and they did not care, or offer to make the same sacrifice, and to top it all of, yelled at me? I teared up, and left the room.
As i made my way down to my own office, i felt a panic attack was building. I can't breathe, i'm angry, i feel water in my throat, nose, and eyes. I am about to sob, and i hated my self. My head kept yelling, "Get it together! Get it together!". But the voice dissapeared as i struggled to breathe. The more i tried to gain control, the more my body shake with anger. As if my body is angry with my mind for not letting it vent.
So i ended up under my big CEO table, crying. About a few seconds or minutes later, i started to feel nauseated. Ran to the bathroom, sat on my knees and vomit. All the while, the voice in my head returned, throwing jabs of insults. "Stop it! Stop it! You are not taking this cooly." And as my head said that, my body stop vomiting. But, the stomach still contracting. Like it still trying to get some stuff out, but nothing did. It's just making my stomach muscles cramped, and it hurt. After that, i went back to my room and sit under the table again.
I don't know how long i was there until my husband found me. I was not embarrassed. I was too dizzy and exhausted. He called my sisters, and they all sounded horrified to find me there. I can sense that they think i was being too dramatic.
I told them to just leave me alone. But they moved from crouching to sitting. Cross legged. That's when i know, they will not leave until i explain myself. So i did.
Anita then said, "I think, we all are just in a state of panic."
I said, "I am. I am panicking. But what made it worse was that, i don't see you guys panicking too. Like you don't feel the seriousness of this problem. Like it has not sink in."
Anita sighed and broke the silent, "You are right. We are not. That's because, we thought this is just another problem, it'll be over soon."
Githa add, "Yes, Ga. And we kinda feel, you'll figure it out. You always do. You always made things turned out alright. You kinda always find a way out for us. So, we..."
"We just don't feel, what you are feeling. And that's not right." Anita added.
"Why is it, you and Kak Larry had to be the one who loses everything?" Githa asked.
"I offered everything i owned because, it's automatic for me. I've been your sister for 36 years and i just felt protective. Of you guys. (I started crying again)... Now that i think about it, i did not even think about my kids, or where we are going to live if we sell my house.... I'm such a bad mother." Right there i felt very guilty and confused. I sobbed hard.
A quiet voice suddenly whispered in my head, "you are going to be allright. Your kids will be allright." I don't know why, but i felt calm right away.
"What if i take over finance from now on. That's the only way i can feel the weight of our financial state." Anita said.
I answered, "You can't. Not while taking care of the print and digital content. Finance is not as easy as you think. It takes up your whole day."
"But that's the only way i will be able to really know what you and Ka Larry are dealing right now." Anita said.
"I think you should just call every departement head and talk about their financial state daily. Make them update you daily." I started to feel hopeful.
"Is it okay, am i prying? Do i not send out a message that i don't trust people?" Anita hesitated.
I squinted. "No. You are In Board of Directors, one of the Founders. Actually, all this time, people think it's very weird that you don't pay enough attention, like you don't care."
It's getting late. We looked at our phones and gotten a little antsy. We all have kids at home that we need to attend to. Githa read our minds and said, "c'mon, when we leave this room, we have to have a solution or plan in place." I stood up from under my table. Sat on my chair. Everybody quietly just adjust their seating.
"So, can i take over?" Anita asked while moving to a seat in front of me. I just kept quiet. Githa asked, "What's your concern, ga?". I said, "Finance is detail and minute and at times like this, we have to make daily decisions, and Jujus is... ".
"Slow." Githa filled in.
"Yes". glad that i don't have to say it.
"How about we try my suggestion?" I asked. "First thing in the morning, we invite the head of departements related with money and cashflow. From there we then see how they should report to you daily, we should assign someone you trust to make sure and keep track of the department heads' reports and get them written down. She needs to have the authority to do that too."
Anita said, "ok, let's socialize this tomorrow. And in the mean time i'll talk to Ivan. Maybe he has some ideas how we can get the money for the taxes."
The next morning, we had out Expo meeting and asked some people to stick around after.
After the meeting i made a dasboard sheet, so that everyone we assign can just update their state daily. I also made some calls to the bank on how i can top up my KPR (God, i hope this work out).
On Thursday, i went and meet a tax officer. I brought proof of payments that we already sent. In their file it looked like we have not paid at all. He said, he'll look into it and reminded us that we still have a lot more to pay.
When i got back to the office, i went to Anita's office and found Githa was there too. They asked how the meeting with the tax officers went. "Fine. But not great. We can file another appeal if we want to. But, seeing how long that took the first time, i'm not sure if that's an option we should explore."
"Let's talk about how we can get the money to pay this then."Said Anita.
"My biggest hope is the KPR top up, Jus."
"How much do you think we can get?"
"The house will be reappraised, then they would give 70% of that worth minus how much i owe them already."
"What if the amount is not enough?" Githa asked.
"We can sell my car, though that won't make much dent." I said.
"I talked to Ivan, we'd borrow money from the bank with our house as collateral." Anita said.
"Maybe if we combine the two, it would be enough?" Githa asked.
In my mind, i thought, Yeah, but both of us are in the deed, i don't know how bank calculate that. I mean, because we are both entrepreneurs, they'll ask for the PT bank statement and our own. And if we both apply credit at the same time, will they give us lower credit? Or not at all? OMG, please let not that be the case.
I finally said, "At this point, we'll just try everything."
Then Anita said,"I'm optimistic, Ga. I have a feeling we can get through this."
She then showed me a bible passage. The story of Jonah. And there's a voice in me that whispered, we are going to be okay.
So i said, "yeah, me too."