Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Love




You know, it's scary to write about love. since i am a working woman, a leader no less. Writing about love makes us woman leaders look weak, while we are still fighting to make more women be seen tough enough to take on more leadership roles. But not talking about it, i think, made us less brave to take on that role. Because that's what we've been doing. In Sandberg words, we check out long before we need to. It's all because of love.

Since i was a kid, i always know I'm different. I always have opinions about things. I'm always intense. People used to think I'm exhausting. Can't blame them. I was. But you can't help growing up faster than others if you grow up in my home. I will not elaborate more on that, but i will say, i always had to find solutions no matter how impossible they were. So it's frustrating for me to not criticize others when they dont see the solutions, or worse, not doing them even when they know what to do.

These tendencies to see pattern and stuff had made people think I'm indigo, but I've had my aura photographed and my aura was turquoise not indigo, so I'm not. But i still have the gift of leading and so i became outspoken, active, achieving all kinds of things that parents dream about their child. The more driven i become, the more scared i was that no boys will like me. This insecurities had gotten me into bad relationships. Bad, as in, i became needy and too ready to make the relationships work. 

Later, i became more scared and insecure. I started to think about my self more. I started to build this wall in the name of self preservation. I made requirements and boundaries as to what kind of men i allow to enter my life. In a way it's good, because then i will rule out men that does not have the same vision as i do, but other times it kinda makes me, a chauvinist, i guess.
 
 Let me explain.
As i grew stronger, i expected my man to understand fully, that i am a working woman. I like to contribute my talents to the world. If in a date a man would say, "I want my wife to be able to cook, or stay home, i don't want nannies to help take care of my children one day." Those were my deal breaker. Men like these bore the crap out of me. There will never be a second date with these men. If i were to watch movies, and saw that a man would leave their wife, because the wife became more successful in their work, preoccupied, or make more money, i would swear to my self that i make sure i interview my date about things like this. It is my primal fear, that i can't be who i am, because the man i love wont allow me to be who i am. I'm scared because i can't choose between them In my mind my family and my work are the loves of my life. They are like my heart and lungs. I can't live without any of them.

So as i sorted out potential candidates, i grew more hatred if the men cited they want their future wives to like be their mothers. This went on, until i met THE ONE.

With my husband everything was different. He was obnoxious, worshiped his mother, and the most insensitive man you could ever meet. But, it took me almost 14 years, to finally get it. In the beginning people wonder why i chose him, while i could have chosen any man i want. I was beautiful, skinny, smart, and talented too. I was and still is a book worm, i like jazz, drink wine, love philosophy. I hate parties and meeting many people. While he was and still is into edm and dance music. He does not think or contemplate about life, he likes parties, going out, meet people. Yes, we are extremely opposites. As different as any north and south pole. So what made us attracted to each other? our values. Our likes and dislikes are surface things. But our values are the same. Not only does he supports my work, he would scowl me when I'm feeling lazy and less committed. He's a committed father. He believes that fathers have important role in children upbringing, and so not only he can play with them, he knows our kids' doctors, their meds and dosage if they ever need any. He also does not care that i can't cook, as long as i make sure i take care of his food. Believe it or not, i only found out about this recently. Once i tried to please him by making fancy dinner for him, he said to me, "I would rather you buy the food or make someone else do it and then sit and talk to me. rather than you stressing out trying to do this for me and i can't enjoy that." Those words were my eye opener. 

Recently i watched this movie "The Freedom Writers". In the story the female lead became more preoccupied with work and finally her husband left her. Then i recalled, if i watch this movie 15 years ago, i would call names towards the husband. Why can't husbands supports their wives, the way that wives are expected to do? I would come to a conclusion that only weak men would do that to their wives. While that's still true, i also know now, that marriages are not that simple. Although we know the key to any relationship is great communication, we often don't realize we are not communicating. Can we tell the difference between, talking and communicating? I sure can't. Not in the beginning anyway. Communicating involves a lot of listening and asking. Not just telling or sharing stuff. I have long leave that habit we women do. You know, saying, "nothing" when our man ask us what's wrong. I have now learned, there is no need for that kind of drama. I just tell him what i want, when i'm ready, and we are not too tired. I found, now, it's my husband who has trouble in saying and asking me what he wants. I have learned that, to make people brave enough to ask or discuss things, we have to create an environment of open mindedness. That is something that i was not, even 2-3 years ago. I created this "what my man should be" in my mind, that i'm not open to compromise. I was being chauvinistic toward my man, and i didn't realize that at all. I was so averted toward his kind of music, that i even look down on him for that. I would dismiss and dissaproved whenever he wants to go out with his friends to clubs and places that plays this sort of music. But it all changed when we started to go to business coaching. Of course the coaching sessions does not involve talking about our marriage, but it made me rethink a lot of things. It opened my mind and i was more willing to change my perspective about a lot of things.  That attitude seemed to affect my marriage too. I started telling my husband, that next time he wants to go out, ask me to come along. He was shocked, and the whole night that we went out, he kept checking on me. "Are you okay? is this okay? are you bored?". And to tell you the truth, i was not bored at all. The places we went to wasn't so bad. In my mind, he would go wild, but apparently, there were just a group of friends. They talk about stuff, like what most men talked about. You know, cars, holidays, stocks, investments, that kind of stuff. So the next time he wants to go out, i was ok with it.The change in my attitude, brought change in his. He was more open to my kind of happy places. Then i asked him a lot of things beforehand, even though i know he would have no problem with it. Usually i only ask when i'm not sure whether he will be ok with it or not. Now, i involve him in many more decision making process. He does the same thing too.

My younger self will scowl and look down on me for doing things that i do now. But i know now, men and women wants the same thing. We want love and still be free to be who we are. To find someone whom we can grow together with. Grow as a person, not just grow old. We all are unhappy when we are forced to be someone we are not, but we need to not be lazy and use that as an excuse to be more than our own concept about ourselves. So i think, to be a strong woman, a strong leader, we need our support system in place. Our spouse is our backbone, without their support, we can't bring out our full potential. This goes both ways.   

Love should make us stronger, bolder, happier, and grander. Not the other way around. Our target in love, should be just that. Everything else should not matter. And if people talk, let them. They seem to have a bitter life, plus their standard is not relevant to our own lives. Our love lives are what we make of it. 

I also know one thing for sure, whatever your faith is, find people you can grow spiritually with. It is the utmost important. Because it's an automatic thing, when you and your significant other move upwards together, both of you will grow closer, in God. 

Lastly, for those of you who are currently single, or have problems in your love lives, do pray. Let God handle your love lives and lift up your burden. Be hopeful that God knows better and in His own time, He will show you His plans for you. Amen. 
  




















 
   

1 comment:

  1. Such an eye opener for me. Thanx ms nina!

    ReplyDelete