I've had so many low points in my entrepreneurial journey, but these past 2 years has been the most challenging by far. Things just don't seem like it will get better. Sometimes, many times, i feel like i can't see the way, and merely lead with gut and faith.
Most of my friends tell me, repeatedly, that i will, once again lead the company out of the impossible. I said my thanks, but truthfully, it was getting harder and harder to believe what they believe.
Yet today, i was awaken, literally by thunderstorm and lighting. I got up, and as i was looking out the window, at 4.28 a.m from my 24th floor room in Hong Kong, i became aware that I woke up with the clearest head i've had in months.
Yeah, this is the day of transformation. This is the day that i believe, i can and i will lead us through.
Is ambition bad? Ambition and being ambitious is seen as a negative trait. In my video, i share my thoughts about ambitious women. Please watch, comment, share and subscribe ya
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I don't tell people the story of my childhood often. Whenever we get to this point of conversation, i always skip, or i would tell a little of surface stories but then i'd quickly deflect or direct the story to something else. Sometimes i fast forward to the point where every thing is okay.
The reason why i do this is, not because i'm sad or ashamed. On the contrary. I think that my childhood was pretty normal. I thought most urban kids had the same problems. After all, i was never abused, never really really poor, never physically or emotionally hurt in ways that it should be traumatic. It's just a childhood.
Later in life, i found out, that my childhood was pretty hard. I'm not sure if i should start telling the stories now, because, i still feel that, my childhood was similar to 7 series of telenovela, but, pretty boring nonetheless.
Maybe to put some background, i can tell you that my parents used to be rich. I remember living in a huge house. My mother said that the house we used to own was more than 1000m2. When my father lost it all because of a bad business call, we went from that rich to have nothing. We rented a 100m2 house, which to my parents must be pretty traumatic. It took a toll on their marriage, and not long after that, they got divorced. To be honest, as the eldest in the family, it was not the lack of money that stressed me out. It is the the fact that at the time, parents were so absorbed with their problems, that they sort of forgotten to take care of us. I pretended for a long time, that i was okay. It's my parent's divorce, it has nothing to do with me. They can mess up their life, i don't have to mess up mine. Around the same time, i was bullied a lot at school. My bullies used to tell me they hated my attitude. In their perception, i acted like i was the prettiest girl at school. Little did they know that i was just trying to make friends, and i'm pretty sure i wasn't flirty. It's just that i'm a mix blood, i have brown eyes, freckles, and that makes me, by Indonesian standard, a good looking girl. The truth is, i really don't feel good inside. It's hard to feel happy and beautiful, when you have so much problems at home. My mind and my focus have always been about protecting my sisters. I was and still am very protective and maternal towards them. Now that my sisters are married and have kids, i feel protective towards my brothers in law and my nieces and nephew too. It's just a force of habit i guess.
A few years later, my father can't afford to pay rent anymore and we lived with our grandparents. My mother sometimes made gemblong and ask people to sell her gemblong at the local market. There was a time when she tried to sell fried rice too, but it didn't work out. My mother sold sembako to pay for my school tuition. At night i would try to make a little bit of money by working as a waitress in my uncle's warung, i worked from 9 pm to 1 am and then go to school in the morning. When i was in high school my mom sent me to live with my aunt. I did lived there for 2 years. After that, dad rented us a house at a family's friend's place who needed a little cash. Things slowly got better after that. By 2002 Dad managed to buy an old and damaged mini market and built it to become a house. The house that 2 years later, became the first office of Gogirl! magazine.
So i was bullied, i was called many names, people made up all kinds of fictions about me. I had to work but i wanted to. I didn't feel like that was a burden. I used to manage house hold money since i was in high school, because at the time my mother got really sick for a number of years. I took care of my sisters, i made them study hard. I lied to Anita, i said if she wanted to get into ITB and take Design, she has to come from IPA, otherwise ITB wouldn't even consider her application. I didn't know that, that was not true, but i was just making sure that she has a much better options when she finished high school. At the time, if you graduated from IPA, you can apply for any subject in University. But if you graduated from IPS, you can not apply for many studies that required IPA based. I made Githa go to SMU Tarakanita 1, because that's the most discipline school that i know of, and i wanted the best school for her. Internet was not yet known, so i have very limited information, options, and money. You see, i do all this with no burden. I feel like it's my duty. But sometimes, it did got hard when my parents were not being fair to me. My mother, became bitter, and father relied on me too much. They were hurt, and in so much pain, that sometimes they projected their pain towards me. I don't want to go into details about this. Because, i have forgiven them a long time ago, and right now, they are not the same bitter people that they were. I think they are two of the strongest people that i know of, and at the time, they were just going through so much pain dan disappointments.
Do you know the story of Gogirl? Maybe a lot of you already know the story, since i wrote them in my book, From No One to Someone. If i write down my life story like this, suddenly, i see a connection. I was bullied, i was called a lot of names, and people used to made up stories about me. All that, was to prepare me. Because that's what happened when we started Gogirl! You know when we first started, there were blogs and forum that talked about me, my sisters, but in a hurtful way. I used to get emails that was just so rude and so harsh. People made assumptions about us, and then discussed it in a forum. What's even weirder, they talked about our marriages, bashed our husbands, make stories and joked about it. I was shocked when i found them, but i never replied or said anything to them. I didn't know any of them, and i never tried to found out.
So much happened during the time we build Gogirl. So much hurt, and pain, and disappointments. But, it seems that, God had prepared us to face this, a long time ago. About a decade earlier. We were being prepared to be able to handle the problems we are going to face. We were being honed and strengthened, so that we can face these problems a decade later. Isn't that amazing? It made me filled with tears now. Because it has been crazy hard this past 2 years, and it made me think, "God, are you just preparing me now? so that i'm better equipped, stronger, smarter, much more resilient later?"
Let me just pause for a second.
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In that case, Thank You, God. Thank you for these lessons, thank you for the hardships, haha, i'm ready to take on even more challenge now. Bring it on! Because i know, 10 years down the road, You have a plan for us, so big, that we need to be prepared for it. We need to be tougher and also wiser. I'm believing in Your ways. Thank You.
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Strength, is a muscle. We become strong, because we hone our skill to be strong every day with every struggle and pain that we encounter. Strength's best friend is will power. Both, we need to practice everyday. Our strength determined our will power, Our will power build our strength. Strength and will power are results. They are the results of faith, patience, and discipline.
We are never strong on our own. We can be strong by choosing to be strong, by choosing to believe, by dealing with our trials and challenges in faith. By walking the walk, one step a time. One day at a time.
I met a friend, Maya. Who i've known for a long time. All this time, i have never realized that we are kindred spirit. But i guess that's what happen if we are introverts. We kinda absorb life inward, living in our own little world. When we were young, these weirdness is just... weird. It kinda disconnect you from people.
As we grow older and came to know how to navigate through our noisy mind and quirky feelings, i found out, we still crave for human connection. Just in our own quiet ways. I enjoyed our talk. It was heartwarming, enlightening, and somehow my heart longs for the next time i would feel this connection again. Yet, being a true introvert, even though i was stirred with the meeting, and so looking forward to do it again, i still feel exhausted. Weird. even i think it's weird. It doesn't matter if i like the person or not, meeting people always drain me. No matter if enjoy meeting them or not, i will always feel very tired afterwards. I guess, the longer i know the person, the more at ease i become when i'm around them. But, it does not change the after effect. I still need alone time to recharge.
Btw, i've been going to JPCC for the last 6 weeks. In JPCC they have small communities called D.A.T.E. We just joined 2 weeks ago and today is our second meeting in this group gathering. It's funny how i'm not anxious around them by this second meeting. I don't know if it's because i have been pushing my boundaries lately, or really because of something else. Or maybe it is both.
It is so not me to make a youtube channel. It's very very scary for me. I think i look so hostile or tired in the videos, but i just make my self thinking, "It's ok. just keep at it, you'll get better at it." So even though i feel anxious all the time, i try to chill. You know, even as i'm typing this, i kept thinking that i should take down the videos. They suck, i suck. They don't matter. That's what i kept thinking to my self.
But, i'm giving my self my own advice to Maya. Nothing we do is ever wasteful. We just have to do our part. Just do our part. we never know if what we do is being used by God to create miracles. We might never know it too. But we just need to do our part.
So this post is for the other introverts out there. My kindred spirits. My soul sisters. Sometimes, we got to push our boundaries. Get uncomfortable. Get to be someone we are not. Someone better. Someone stronger. Because, that's our calling in this life. To be God's tool to create miracles. Miracles we might never see, miracles we might never know, miracles we might never get any credit for. I can't tell you what's in it for you, when we do all these. But i do know one thing, our lives will never be a wasted life.
This is my second video for my youtube channel. Do visit, like, comment, share, and subscribe ya, thank you!
Btw, i got great feedbacks from people to add english subtitle in the video. Friends in linked in wanted them so they can watch and recommend to people. Another friend of mine told me, subtitle would be helpful for people with hearing disability like her.
So since this is a long weekend and i can't (well, actually i'm just too lazy) to go to the office to edit the videos, i thought i'll just write the text in my video here.
video text :
Hi welcome back here, with me Nina Moran.
Today i have a question from Diana Rikasari, Thank you so much for the question.
Ok first, wait a second, she asked.. "What scares you the most?"
Umm, thats, a difficult question. OK hmm, what scares me the most, maybe.. the obvious answer would be, to lose the people that we, i, love, because they are my source of power and happiness. probably that. But if you want a less obvious answer, i think my biggest fear, what scares me the most is, if my work does not have value anymore for other people. Because i'm the kind of person that, above all, i want to be an impactful person for others. I don't mind if people don't remember my name, but mmm i would love it if something i do really mean something to people. even if it's just one people, i mean one person, not one people. Because one inspired person can change the world, can change anything and able to create things beyond our imagination. So, i guess it will scare the hell out of me, if i don't matter anymore. What i mean by that is, if or when my life and my work, are not meaningful for other people. That.. that's pretty scary.
And then umm, her second question : What is my main priority right now?
So, Gogirl! used to be just Gogirl! right now we are Aprilis Companies. In Aprilis Companies we have several companies. Aprilis Media has, well, is Gogirl. But even Gogirl! is not just a print magazine anymore, Gogirl is actually Gogirl! media because we are also a website, social media, youtube channel, the whole thing. We are also, actually Gogirl also do a lot of activations for our clients.
Aside from Gogirl media, i mean, Aprilis Media, we also have Picnic. Picnic is a retail company, we sells clothes online and at Pondok Indah Mall (jakarta), The jacket that i wore on the previous video and this one are from Picnic.
We also have Aprilis Consultant Creative, wait... Aprilis.. well the brand name is in english, but the company is in bahasa indonesia. Anyway, ACC is a like a production house. We have in-house team to make videos, ads, etc. Which normally we used to create contents through out our companies.
Now the new one is called Resonance. Resonance is actually and online & offline activation agency. What we do is, we create integrated activations online that is tied with "real life" events. The target market of Resonance is older than Gogirl! segment. Resonance was a department in Gogirl that handles all internal and client's activations, but after 9 years, we feel that this very successful department needs to be "released" from Gogirl. So we did and we brand it Resonance. The reason is, so that we are not limited to cater teens' (activations). Because there are so many loyal Gogirl! readers that's already grown up, and we feel it's such a shame if we don't create online and offline activities for them. That's what we are working on right now. Maybe we can say that, Resonance is a start up, and it's my focus right now. Resonance has a big dream. Next year, resonance is going to organize a conference, a pretty big one. We really believe that from this conference we can build a community, and we can share a lot of positivity, for.. well, our aim is for women whose age is above Gogirl, but if suppose teens, and probably men would like to join us, than, it's okay too. That's my main focus right now. I really believe in Resonance. Because, i don't know, i have, i rejected a lot of big opportunities so that i can run Resonance. I.. I.. i just want to make Resonance as impactful as Gogirl! but for age segment that more... mature than Gogirl. That's my main focus right now.
Now third question, wait, the third one... "Why is it important to be a successful woman?"
Because you need to have your own self worth, and success is.. people's definition of success is varied. But it is important to be successful in whatever you want to. You want to be a successful house mother, i mean house mom, why not? you wan to be a successful career person, why not? you want to be a successful athlete, why not? you want to be a successful entrepreneur, go ahead, what's stopping you? But why is it so important tone successful? Because, you need to have that, that, that goal in life. That makes you feel,"my life has meaning. my life is not an accidental living."So that we don't live our lives while sleepwalking. I mean, it's like, everyday, we live without aim, we live well, coincidentally, because we were born, and then we are here in this world, not really knowing what we are doing here. That's not the kind of... That shouldn't be your life! Because if we live, and we a have an aim to.. to a place, or to a measurement of success, it makes us, everyday, we live our life with.. with.. i don't know.. hmm.. purpose and aim. It's very different. the feeling, compare to if you live everyday, like you wake up because you just woken up. Whatever you are going to do today, is random. It's just very different. It's like if you go to work just because you have to, compare to you go to work because that's what you want to do, that's what makes you happy. Your quality of life is just very different. If we are a house wife, and we play that role with joy, like every day we are so grateful and we really want to become a better and better mom. Or if we want to be even better wives for our husbands, our life, will be, joyful, like we have a goal. I don't know.. it's just that, like our lives are not meaningless. Like there's a purpose of our lives.
So i think why we need to be successful, yea, first for ourselves. So that we can feel, that, we are beneficial to others, meaningful, that we.. are worthwhile. That's why we need to be a successful person not just a successful woman.
For my religious belief, why i need to be successful is because, we live in servitude towards God. We have to have.. we need to live the role that God intended from our lives. There has to be a reason why we live in this world. There has to be a purpose that God intended, or there's a role that God what us to play or realized or make come true. It's just not possible that all our lives are in vain. It's just not possible that there's no purpose in each of our lives. So i believe that i was put in this world, to live that role or purpose or goal that even i can't imagine my self. So to be successful is part of servitude to God. It's part (of the reason) we dedicate our lives for noble intentions, to glorify God, to use our lives to help others, and..
Why shouldn't you be a successful person? right?
Okay, that's my answers. Thank you so much Diana, for your very difficult, and very insightful questions.
For everyone who wants to ask questions, you can put your questions in the comment section, or you can just put your question randomly on my instagram, or you can email me in nina_juliana@ gogirlmagazine.com go ahead, so thank you, thank you so much for joining me in this video, don't miss and click my other videos! Bye!
I had a revelation last sunday. Or was it saturday? Anyway, these words were spoken by Christine Caine, and they slapped me awake,
"You see the magnitude of the problem, and you think you can't do everything. Because you think you can't do everything, you don't do the one thing, that can activate something."
She said,
"Many times you give God the list of why you can not. You say, But God, i'm not good enough, i'm not smart enough, i don't know the right people, i'm not talented enough, i'm not this and that, we say this as if God doesn't know. But you see, in your best day, you will never be good enough, but if only you do just one thing, and you bring that one thing to God, you bring your imperfections to God, then God will use that one thing to deliver not just you, but many others. But if you do nothing, it's not just your life that's bound, but many others' too."
"You have been in this mountain too long. Break camp, advance, start moving."
These words makes me feel unaffraid anymore. Everyday, i will hear people affirm me, and even if they don't, i still know i'm in the right track.
Thank You God, for this powerful message you sent me. I'm sorry i've been a real brat and a whiny bitch lately. I will focus more on this mission you put in my heart. Amen.
Have you ever seen these instagram accounts that basically give you motivational quotes? I saw some that targeted to entrepreneurs or career driven people. You know how i feel about them? Most of the time i would be inspired but sometimes, they make me feel so mad!
You know why? because almost all these instagram account are owned by men. Single or married, have kids or not, doesn't matter. They are mostly owned by men. Which means, sometimes they tell you to do things that's just make you want to bang their heads with a frying pan.
Why? Because even with my kind of personality, it is way harder for us women to do what they tell us to do! I'm mostly mad at married men that told us to hustle! F****** C***!
Look, men can be engaging, loving, and modern and stuff, but we women still do a whole lot more than they are. Especially if we have kids. You want proof? How about we compare our mondays to begin with?
On Mondays, what do you do?
Husbands : do whatever morning routine that they want.
Wives: do our morning routines with sound effects produce by your kids. Example: "Mooom, i can't find my sooocks." "Moooom, bella don't want to share food." continued with high pitched squeal by bella and soon follow the fighting and the crying.
What do the husband do?
say, "stop fighting guys." while still not looking up from whatever they are doing.
Wives? more or less like this : Dashed to grab bella, hold her in our arms, bring her along to andrew's socks pile upstairs. You see, it's not that andrew can't find the socks, and it's just that, that particular day, he wanted to wear the other ones. Found the other socks, gave them to andrew, while continously soothing bella. Then came back downstairs to noelle, giving her the bread that she wanted her sister to share, and then make bella apologize and then urge them to play together again.
Just when you succeed, your husband look at you with a slightly annoyed look on his face, "Ma, you haven't taken a bath yet? we are going to be late for work."
Any of this sounds familiar ladies? This is when i want to give my middle finger to all men that advices us to hustle. Shut the F up! we are doing much more than you, and doing a f-ing good job at it too. Granted, we are not doing it with 100% sanity, but crazy is the new sexy, right? No? oh well, moving on!
How about the fact that, i have never seen husbands set up family weekly menu and match the budget with the nutrition plus preference of everyone in the house. Ladies, if you have a man that does this, never divorce him!
I'm thrilled that nowadays i see 30% of dads coming to parent-teacher meetings. I swear, every time i see dads come to these events, especially if they come alone because their wives have to do other things, i always wanted to set a Facebook fan page for them. These guys are rockstars! Most of the time though we, moms, are the ones that need to be in mommies WhatsApp group and stress about the fact that the school wanted my son to bring Hibiscus Flower tomorrow, and that's a last minute thing. I have never seen, fathers get so frantic about finding last minute flannel material for tomorrow's art project, this time, it's not a last minute, but it's something you completely forgot. I have also never seen dads put in a corner by teachers because their kid hated the lunch that he prepared 2 days in a row. You see where i'm going with this?
Yes, we women have no excuse not to advance in our career. But, that does not mean you (supposedly enlighten-men, motivational instagram, sexist pigs, and bots) can tell us that we are not committed if we don't get up at 4 or 5 am to give ourselves the best hour of our lives, when we only get to sleep at 12 or 1 a.m after making worksheets for our kids.
You know what, i think we need new motivational videos and instagram for women. Made by women too. I know there are many outhere, but maybe we need more. Much more! The words can whip our asses to move forward, be ambitious and such, but also emphatic and solution oriented. Unforgiving yet heartwarming. Yeah i'm gonna do that. Let me just think of a good name for the account.
