Kelas Kerendah hatian

Sepertinya, setelah lulus mata kuliah "berserah", di universitas Life, nextnya aku masuk ke kelas "kerendah-hatian". 

Sebetulnya, malu sih nulis ini, tapi rasanya sebagai bagian dari project rendah hati, aku tulis aja deh.

Jadi gini. Dari kecil aku ini sering dapat pujian. Bahwa aku cantik, bule banget, putih banget, pinter banget, cerdas, tangguh, hebat, kuat, banyak banget lah. Kemanapun aku pergi, orang-orang pasti inget sama aku, dan aku nggak pernah inget semua orang yang pernah ketemu aku. Parah. Aku tau.

Tapi akhir-akhir ini, semuanya hilang atau seakan-akan doesn't matter. Kecantikan aku perlahan-lahan kayanya pudar. Tiap pagi, aku nemu kerutan kok ya jadi banyak banget. Sekitar jidat aku warnanya belang-belang. Biar dari dulu punya freckles, tapi sekarang kok muncul titik-titik hitam baru. Belom, walau segala usaha udah dilakukan, ini kulit makin lama kok makin kendorrrr banget! Sebel!

Berkat beautyplus app, tiap foto aku di ig bisa disulap. Kerutan hilang, warna kulit yang tadinya belang jadi engga, titik-titik hitam juga nggak ada. Jadi keliatan forever 22 deh. 

Itu baru soal beauty. Makin kesini, aku merasa makin bego. Segala hal tentang dunia, yang by instinc dulu bisa aku rasain, sekarang udah nggak lagi. Kaya, gimana bisa bikin the market want whatever it is that i make or sell. Dulu semua gampang. Sekarang, i don't know shit about anything. Dulu aku by instinc tau gimana bikin kue yang enak. Sekarang? Gila. Jangan suruh aku bikin apapun juga. Dapur itu bukan planet aku banget. Emang banyak orang yang nggak bisa masak. Tapi aku? *sigh* Gini deh. Beberapa hari lalu, aku mau bikinin anak-anakku masker rambut dari bahan-bahan alami. Salah satu bahannya minyak kemiri. Ya udah, kan beli kemiri. Googling & nonton video youtube cara bikin minyak kemiri. Terus, jadinya bukan minyak kemiri. Jadinya : bubur ovomaltin kemiri mix almond crispy. Ajaib? Emang. Apalagi rasanya. 

Pengalaman lain nih, biasanya kalau aku ke supermarket, atau salon, atau apa aja deh. Biar jarang juga, kalo aku balik pasti pada inget. Sekarang? Aku punya salon langganan di Senayan City. Bisa dibilang aku 3 hari sekali kesitu. Tapi tiap aku datang, si mba resepsionis ga pernah inget aku. Lebih parah lagi, sekarang ini aku sedang duduk, ngecet rambut berubanku sama stylist yang megang aku beberapa hari lalu. Dia yang nyaranin aku ngecat, kita bikin janji, dan hari ini, pas aku dateng, dia nggak ngenalin aku sama sekali. Zzz. 

Buat orang yang dikit-dikit dapet pujian kaya aku, becoming faceless, bego, tua, dan nggak cantik lagi itu susah banget buat ditelen. 

Pernah pas aku udah punya andrew, suatu hari main ke almamater. Biasa kan, suka kangen makanan kampus. Terus baru masuk area kantin sama adik iparku (beda umur 7th), tiba-tiba segerombolan temen-temennya bilang, "Buset pop, siapa tuh, punya temen kaya gitu nggak dikenalin." Aku terbiasa banget dapat reaksi begitu. Jadi yang kayak gitu aku rasa normal. Seneng pasti, tapi normal. Sekarang? Ya kaya cerita saon tadi. Aku jadi ngerasa aneh pas orang... Boro-boro muji, ngeh aku aja engga. 

Oke, ini aku belom main fisik. Eh maksudnya belom main body. I mean, inget jinggle iklan scott emulsion ngga? yang, "bajuku dulu tak begini...(tapi kini tak cukup lagi)." Diotak aku, kelanjutannya lebih memilukan, "kupintar, kubesar, tambah lebarrrr.." Oke lagunya scotts nggak bilang tambah lebar, tapi... Ah ya sudahlah. *sedihdipojokan*

Makanya aku bilang, aku sedang masuk kelas kerendah-hatian. Belajar nerima keanehan yang baru ini. Sulit. Abis, terus terang, pujian-pujian ini bikin aku merasa penting. They make me feel accepted, and mattered. Karena selama ini pujian yang aku terima bukan cuma soal fisik, tapi juga otak aku, bakat aku, semua hal, yang kayanya mau nggak mau, ngebentuk identitas aku. 

Ih ternyata bener ya? Pujian atau celaan itu beneran ngefek sama cara kita memandang diri sendiri, kalau kita biarin masuk ke kepala kita. It somehow shaped my self-concept. 

Bukan itu aja si, walau aku cenderung nggak look down on people, cuma kadang-kadang kok ya, pikiran dalam hati suka songong sama orang yang mmm melakukan hal-hal yang aku nggak seneng. Misal nih, si mba yang lagi ngerjain rambut ini bawel banget nyuruh aku potong rambut. Karena abis di color, aku bilang, "ya udah, trim ujungnya aja ya." Taunya, dipotong lumayan pendek. Trus aku protes dong. Dia jawab,"abis rambutnya kering banget.". Ugh, aku kesel tapi diem aja. Cuma dalam hati mikir,"Nah itu rambut lo panjangnya sepinggang, udah gitu dari jarak 2 meter aja gue bisa liat rambut lo cerigis and bercabang setengah mati. Punya rambut kaya gitu kok berani-beraninya nyela rambut gue yang lebih kena perawatan kerastase tiap bulan!". Abis mikir gitu, langsung nggak enak hati. Kok mikir gitu sih, belagu amat! 

Yah, ini pelajaran buat aku. Biar lebih rendah hati lagi. Aku merasa dengan nggak di-notice kaya sekarang, atau lebih sering diceramahin sama orang, aku jadi harus banyak melatih diri untuk cuek aja. Plus, ada satu hal yang menggelitik otak. Kalau seandainya apa yang aku kerjain nggak di-notice orang, dalam arti, ga direspon orang dengan baik atau sama sekali, "Do i dare, to do things just because it makes me happy?"

Kalau misal aku mau bikin buku atau usaha kedua, ketiga, dan seterusnya cuma untuk nyenengin diri sendiri dan nggak mikirin itu bakal laku apa engga, aku bakal bikin apa?"

What will i do, when i don't do it to receive acknowledgment or praise or money? 

That, worth to find out. 

Stop Kepo & Rasisme & Nontoleransi

Waktu aku SD, Bhineka Tunggal Ika tuh kaya keramat banget. Gotong royong dan toleransi antar suku, agama, ras, dan golongan semuanya ditekankan banget dimana-mana. Di sekolah, di rumah, di lingkungan RT, dll. Lalu bertahun-tahun kemudian, suara-suara toleran ini jadi senyap. 

Semua terasa berubah sejak tragedi penjarahan dan pemerkosaan etnis tionghoa. Terus terang setiap mengingat kejadian ini aku sedih banget. Saat itu, aku tinggal di rumah oma, ibunya mamaku, di radio dalam. Pagi itu, ada keluarga tionghoa di depan rumah oma, datang dan memohon perlindungan. Sambil menangis, sang ayah bilang, "Tolong kami ibu, kami takut ada di rumah." Oma dan seluruh keluarga mama adalah keluarga muslim, dan oma bilang, "Iya, disini aja dulu." Beberapa jam kemudian, massa entah dari mana, merusak semua ruko-ruko yang mereka curigai dimiliki etnis Tionghoa. Rumah oma ada di kompleks angkatan laut, dan di seberangnya terdapat ruko-ruko. Ruko-ruko tersebut dirusak oleh mereka, kecuali yang ditempeli sajadah atau dipintunya ada tulisan, "pribumi muslim."

Melihat itu, keluarga kami sangat geram. Geram karena seluruh keluarga dari pihak mama adalah pribumi dan muslim. Semua malu dengan siapapun oknum yang menghasut (atau membayar) masa sehingga jadi seperti ini. Malu dan marah, tapi nggak tau mau marah sama siapa.

Tragedi ini terjadi selama 3 hari. Hari minggu kira-kira seminggu setelah kejadian ini, aku mendengar kesaksian 2 orang korban di gereja. Kesaksian yang hampir tidak bisa aku mengerti karena para korban bersaksi sambil menangis. Kami segereja, tidak mengerti apa yang mereka sampaikan, tetapi kami menangis juga. Pilu. 

Bertahun-tahun setelah ini, mulai kedengaran golongan-golongan radikal bermunculan. Kotbah-kotbah rasis di masjid-masjid, penyerangangan ahmadiah, penyerangan terhadap umat baik muslim dan nasrani yang akan atau sedang beribadah (tergantung dimana mereka minoritas), pelarangan pendirian rumah-rumah ibadah, selebaran dan koran hitam, penghasutan, generalisasi, stereotyping, hate crime, terorisme, dan daftar ini makin panjang.

Sebenarnya banyak orang Indonesia yang toleran, malah menurut aku, yang toleran itu justru mayoritas. Sayangnya yang mayoritas ini cenderung bungkam. Bukan karena nggak peduli, tapi karena males debat sama orang-orang gila atau berpikiran sempit. Terus terang, aku termasuk salah satunya. 

Setelah aku pikir-pikir, kayanya kita sudah terlalu lama bungkam. Terlalu lama membiarkan extrimis bertindak melawan perikemanusiaan, seenak jidat menyebarkan pesan-pesan kebencian, dengan bebas berkomen rasis / menghina suku, agama, ras, dan antar golongan. Terlalu lama semua ini kita biarkan. Terlalu lama alasan sudah mendarah daging kita maklumkan.

Kayanya sudah cukup ah. Mulai sekarang, kalau aku lihat atau dengar komen-komen yang menghina dan berisi kebencian tentang S.A.R.A akan aku screen capture / rekam, lalu aku laporin ke pihak yang berwajib. Cyber police kek, komnas ham kek, report abuse kek, pokoknya ga deh ngebiarin hate comments anymore. Malu.  If i have to, aku akan ngelaporin golonganku sendiri kalau bikin statement yang ngundang ribut antar suku, agama, ras dan golongan. Bukannya apa, gerah. Udah gitu kalo diem kok kesannya kayak setuju sama pendapat dan kelakuan mereka. Well, aku nggak setuju. Aku menolak disamain sama mereka dan sudah waktunya kita stop membiarkan kaum ektrim yang sebenernya minoritas ini berisik melulu. Mereka ganggu. 

Satu hal lagi. Kayanya juga kita perlu stop kepo, stop ngurusin hidup dan pilihan orang lain, stop nyela/nyindir/nyinyir pilihan hidup orang. Biar gimanapun, kita semua manusia biasa. Bisa sedih kita kalo ditegur atau dicela dimuka umum. Belum lagi, media sosial bisa diakses sama keluarga orang yang kita tegur/omongin/cela/dll. Cuma dengan beberapa kalimat aja, kita udah mempermalukan/menghina orang yang kita tuju beserta orang tua, anak, keluarga dan teman-temannya. Jahat banget kan? Kaya kita nggak punya salah/kekurangan aja, sampe merasa berhak negur/ngomongin orang di depan umum.

Ada pepatah: "We get what we tolerate." Dan ini bener banget dalam segala hal. Saat kita mentoleransi sikap-sikap radikal, yang kita dapet ya kelompok radikal jadi marak. Saat kita mentoleransi komen-komen yang negatif, kita mengundang negativity dalam hidup kita, keluarga kita, dan semua folower atau orang yang ada di lingkaran media sosial kita.

Nggak lagi, nggak lagi. Untuk alasan apapun. Stop. Enough is enough.

Epic

You know, if i were to write my second book about my business' journey, it will probably worth to be made into a movie. Everything was so dramatic and the story sounded too much like the plot of a hollywood movie. Well, they would probably have to add a little action scene, but that's about it.

If you have been following my blog, then you will know about the tax problem that crippled me emotionally the entire 2015. But what i did not tell you, there was another matter that was going on from 2014-2015. Yes, the same timeline. I could not talk about it because it was an ongoing case that we tried to pursue legally. Since the case involved so many people, i still can't discuss that elaborately.

In short, somebody ran away with our money. It was a large sum. Well, at least to us. We lawyered up and pursue the matter the right way. Legally. It went on for a year. The people who did this didn't budge. Even though they ran away with so many people's money, not just ours.

In our country, you know you could not do much when you don't have the money and connections to sue people. I did not give up though. I went out, reached out to people who was fooled by them too. I asked them to consider suing together. But, i did not succeed. Largely because the damages that was caused by the embezzler was so big, to the companies that i met, everybody just did not have the money to fund these legal matters. Everybody was just trying to stay afloat, plus, last year the economy was so bad and everybody was under the Dirjen Pajak's scrutiny.

I thought for the entire year, why things were so unfair. Why do people like me got attacked so much, from so many angles? Why the big guys who has lots of money don't? Why do they have to run away with my hard earned money? I have so much less than bankers, entrepreneurs who owns so much, people who works at oil companies, yet i have to experience all this.

A lot of people, told me to let go. For the entire year, i can't. Because, i felt that everything was just so unfair, plus i needed the money to pay taxes. But then, i made my self busy. Thinking about other things, focusing on charity work, and then i just let it go.

Last night, my husband went to see one of his best friends. During this time, as usual, men talk about business, and his best friend told him, that he heard the person who embezzled our money is in jail right now. Apparently, he went away with 2 big boys' money. I say big boys, because they are two of the most successful, richest, and powerful men in our country. The embezzler was said, had ran away with hundreds of Milyar Rupiah of their money. At first, the Big Boys gave the embezzler time to pay, but the embezzler said they have no money. For a while it was quiet, or at least that's what we all thought. But then, the embezzler posted a photo of a Ferrari and that they are now in Los Angeles. That photo made the Big Boys mad. Then somehow they managed to drag the embezzler back to our country and put the embezzler in jail. It is heard that the embezzler's life was made to be more difficult in prison.

See, i told you it sounded like a movie. If it's made into a script, i say, we only need to add a little fast and furious car chasing scene, and a little happy ending for us, then the end.

Time and time again, when people wronged us, we wanted justice, or worse, revenge. I kept forgetting that, the people who wronged me in the past, did had to face some sort of consequence of their actions. Most of the time, these consequences came to them years after they hurt me and came back to them because of their own doing or somebody else was giving them the "lesson" that i wanted to give give them back when i was still feeling the hurt.

I should have known, that's not the way my life works. Lessons, revenge, or consequences are not my rights. Never were, never will. They are God's. They will due, when God say it is. Not when i say it is. I do however have the responsibility to my self, to form the kind of person and life that i wanted. I don't want my life to be just about being angry over the unfairness of the whole thing. I don't want to occupy my focus on how i can give these people lessons that they deserve. It's too draining.

What a start to a new year. I must admit, knowing the embezzler are in prison does gave me closure. Relieved. I don't know if i ever going to see the money, but i believe, whatever happens, God will take good care of us, like always.

I am a web designer (not)

50% admire 50% disgusted by people who call them selves what they are not, just yet.

Like calling yourself a chef, when you are only a cook or just starting your career in culinary.

I admire their bravery. I get it. We should state and say an I Am statement so out of this world, that we will call it to be our focus, and in time, it will become our reality. But i'm also disgusted by how fast they claim to be who they aspire to be. Why disgusted? Because i believe in the process of things. It's disrespecting the title that needs to be earned with time, sacrifice, hard work, and experience.

I get it, it's the ways of things now. But monetary recession is not getting better (yet) and that means, all these people who are not who they claim to be, will probably lost their job or customers, or be forced to do more than what they are willing to do. 

Ahh 2016. I wonder what will happen then.

To stay, let go, or move forward

Sometimes at the end of year we reflect on what have done that year. When we have not achieve anything significant, we try to find quotes that basically says, don't look for money, spouse, bla bla bla. Just live in your own pace. 

I agree with the slow down notion. But sometimes i think, we use that warning as an excuse. To not go forward, to push ourselves, to make decisions. We cower behind the slow down movement, and we tell ourselves that we are not ready, it's not the right time, etc.

Of course, it's one of the biggest question in life, "HOW do we know whether to keep going or to let go? To stay still or move forward?" Nobody can give us that answer, and even our hearts cheat us by giving the answer we need to hear, not what we should be doing.

To be successful, rich, and to have it all. These dreams, often seen as vanity or shallowness. In church however, i have heard many times, that it's okay to want and pursue those things, as long as we want and use them for right reasons. 

Doesn't it scares us? When money is not the root of all evil, then the roots are our intentions with them.

There's such a things as doing things too fast, like getting into commitments when we are not ready or well-equipped. The trick is to know what our intentions are. Mind you, our hearts and logic can play tricks on us. They can supply us with what is expected of us, and then give us a little dose of guilt trip too. 

But i think, we should all pursue our dreams. Make money, buy that stupid watch, those shoes, build your empire, invest, travel, do whatever our hearts desire. We should, make our own timeline but not base them on everybody else's. 

3 things that i've been saying a lot these past 3 years could probably help you too. 

No Blame, No Excuse, No Drama. 

This surprisingly edit not only the bullshits, but also edit people from my life too. I stay away from people who likes to find blame, make excuses and lots of drama kings and queens. 

Quiet recently i met people who are go getters, solution and result oriented. There' s no room from blame or excuses around them and so i've learn more about opportunities from them.  I learn when to stay, learn, dig deeper or when to chase down that opportunities yourself. 

So i guess, in this end of year. Rather than feeling sorry or try finding all kinds of excuses to validate our lack of bravery, how about we promise ourselves, whatever happens, no blame, no excuse, no freakin drama anymore. Then we'll know for sure, when to stay still, let go, or move forward.

In These Grey Days

Everyone i know are fighting all kinds of battles right now. So i guess, our lives are pretty intense these days. It makes us on edge almost every day, and look to our most trusted way to cheer us up. But then those things failed us. Because who ever made those things, whether it is music, magazine, movies, spa, etc, are fighting battles we know nothing about. Their work became bland and uninspired, just as our lives has been lately. 

I saw that everyone is trying to lash out and get angry. But most held their tongue and frustrations, because we understand. As much criticism that we've gotten from people, we are actually getting a lot less than the actual frustrations out there. Because most people understand.

Is just that, we are all getting tired of this condition, are we not?

We keep waiting, silently praying, anxiously hoping, that everything we are going through will come to pass. Soon.

We want to say goodbye to these tiresome, depressing phase. We are waiting, for better days. 

But. Things are not changing, and though there are so many things that are beyond our control, but some part of it, because we are not changing enough. We can't find the fire, the energy, to do more.

Are we waiting to die? 

To be joyful, inspired, encouraged, to be the crazy ass people we once were, takes discipline. Takes so much faith. 

In our younger days, crazy ideas, energy, and bravery to face all manner of confrontations sort of comes almost effortlessly. I mean we were scared shit of course, but the flame was bigger than the shit. So we trudged on, marched into all kinds of war, even with less armor than we have right now. 

Good 'ol days!

I know, our lives change when we decide. Today our problems might not go away, but i need to think of it in this way : that i will deal with the portion that can be done today. That means, there's still a long way to go. That's just, demotivating to say the least. But i should try to make peace with it.

I know, that this christmas is not as merry because we really run out of money, or maybe, we can't be with our family. But, happiness can still be created in these grey days. Our day really depend on how we make it. Whether it will be merry or not, completely up to us, no matter what our circumstances are. 

It is hard. But if we could be less self centered, if we direct our thoughts to making other people happy, we could be happy too. Maybe we can think about other people's lives. People who have less hope than we do. The refugees, people whose babies and love ones bombed and shattered in front of their eyes, people who have no home, no love, no clothes, not even dream about getting fresh water today. Children who look at our children with envy because they have so much love from us. Or adults that look at us with envy because we can shower with hot water. Men who look at us enviously because we can provide beds for our loved ones. Women who look at us with envy because we are free to choose what we wear and what we want to pursue in life.

We take so much for granted. Let's direct our thoughts and love toward people outside our little lives.

There are so much to be thankful for, so many reasons to be merry. 

Recharge with love and prayer. 

Inspirations will come, energy inflamed within us, and the path will then, be seen again, right ahead of us all.

Love

You know, it's scary to write about love. since i am a working woman, a leader no less. Writing about love makes us woman leaders look weak, while we are still fighting to make more women be seen tough enough to take on more leadership roles. But not talking about it, i think, made us less brave to take on that role. Because that's what we've been doing. In Sandberg words, we check out long before we need to. It's all because of love.

Since i was a kid, i always know I'm different. I always have opinions about things. I'm always intense. People used to think I'm exhausting. Can't blame them. I was. But you can't help growing up faster than others if you grow up in my home. I will not elaborate more on that, but i will say, i always had to find solutions no matter how impossible they were. So it's frustrating for me to not criticize others when they dont see the solutions, or worse, not doing them even when they know what to do.

These tendencies to see pattern and stuff had made people think I'm indigo, but I've had my aura photographed and my aura was turquoise not indigo, so I'm not. But i still have the gift of leading and so i became outspoken, active, achieving all kinds of things that parents dream about their child. The more driven i become, the more scared i was that no boys will like me. This insecurities had gotten me into bad relationships. Bad, as in, i became needy and too ready to make the relationships work. 

Later, i became more scared and insecure. I started to think about my self more. I started to build this wall in the name of self preservation. I made requirements and boundaries as to what kind of men i allow to enter my life. In a way it's good, because then i will rule out men that does not have the same vision as i do, but other times it kinda makes me, a chauvinist, i guess.
 
 Let me explain.
As i grew stronger, i expected my man to understand fully, that i am a working woman. I like to contribute my talents to the world. If in a date a man would say, "I want my wife to be able to cook, or stay home, i don't want nannies to help take care of my children one day." Those were my deal breaker. Men like these bore the crap out of me. There will never be a second date with these men. If i were to watch movies, and saw that a man would leave their wife, because the wife became more successful in their work, preoccupied, or make more money, i would swear to my self that i make sure i interview my date about things like this. It is my primal fear, that i can't be who i am, because the man i love wont allow me to be who i am. I'm scared because i can't choose between them.  In my mind my family and my work are the loves of my life. They are like my heart and lungs. I can't live without any of them.

So as i sorted out potential candidates, i grew more hatred if the men cited they want their future wives to like be their mothers. This went on, until i met THE ONE.

With my husband everything was different. He was obnoxious, worshiped his mother, and the most insensitive man you could ever meet. But, it took me almost 14 years, to finally get it. In the beginning people wonder why i chose him, while i could have chosen any man i want. I was beautiful, skinny, smart, and talented too. I was and still is a book worm, i like jazz, drink wine, love philosophy. I hate parties and meeting many people. While he was and still is into edm and dance music. He does not think or contemplate about life, he likes parties, going out, meet people. Yes, we are extremely opposites. As different as any north and south pole. So what made us attracted to each other? our values. Our likes and dislikes are surface things. But our values are the same. Not only does he supports my work, he would scowl me when I'm feeling lazy and less committed. He's a committed father. He believes that fathers have important role in children upbringing, and so not only he can play with them, he knows our kids' doctors, their meds and dosage if they ever need any. He also does not care that i can't cook, as long as i make sure i take care of his food. Believe it or not, i only found out about this recently. Once i tried to please him by making fancy dinner for him, he said to me, "I would rather you buy the food or make someone else do it and then sit and talk to me. rather than you stressing out trying to do this for me and i can't enjoy that." Those words were my eye opener. 

Recently i watched this movie "The Freedom Writers". In the story the female lead became more preoccupied with work and finally her husband left her. Then i recalled, if i watch this movie 15 years ago, i would call names towards the husband. Why can't husbands supports their wives, the way that wives are expected to do? I would come to a conclusion that only weak men would do that to their wives. While that's still true, i also know now, that marriages are not that simple. Although we know the key to any relationship is great communication, we often don't realize we are not communicating. Can we tell the difference between, talking and communicating? I sure can't. Not in the beginning anyway. Communicating involves a lot of listening and asking. Not just telling or sharing stuff. I have long leave that habit we women do. You know, saying, "nothing" when our man ask us what's wrong. I have now learned, there is no need for that kind of drama. I just tell him what i want, when i'm ready, and we are not too tired. I found, now, it's my husband who has trouble in saying and asking me what he wants. I have learned that, to make people brave enough to ask or discuss things, we have to create an environment of open mindedness. That is something that i was not, even 2-3 years ago. I created this "what my man should be" in my mind, that i'm not open to compromise. I was being chauvinistic toward my man, and i didn't realize that at all. I was so averted toward his kind of music, that i even look down on him for that. I would dismiss and dissaproved whenever he wants to go out with his friends to clubs and places that plays this sort of music. But it all changed when we started to go to business coaching. Of course the coaching sessions does not involve talking about our marriage, but it made me rethink a lot of things. It opened my mind and i was more willing to change my perspective about a lot of things.  That attitude seemed to affect my marriage too. I started telling my husband, that next time he wants to go out, ask me to come along. He was shocked, and the whole night that we went out, he kept checking on me. "Are you okay? is this okay? are you bored?". And to tell you the truth, i was not bored at all. The places we went to wasn't so bad. In my mind, he would go wild, but apparently, there were just a group of friends. They talk about stuff, like what most men talked about. You know, cars, holidays, stocks, investments, that kind of stuff. So the next time he wants to go out, i was ok with it.The change in my attitude, brought change in his. He was more open to my kind of happy places. Then i asked him a lot of things beforehand, even though i know he would have no problem with it. Usually i only ask when i'm not sure whether he will be ok with it or not. Now, i involve him in many more decision making process. He does the same thing too.

My younger self will scowl and look down on me for doing things that i do now. But i know now, men and women wants the same thing. We want love and still be free to be who we are. To find someone whom we can grow together with. Grow as a person, not just grow old. We all are unhappy when we are forced to be someone we are not, but we need to not be lazy and use that as an excuse to be more than our own concept about ourselves. So i think, to be a strong woman, a strong leader, we need our support system in place. Our spouse is our backbone, without their support, we can't bring out our full potential. This goes both ways.   

Love should make us stronger, bolder, happier, and grander. Not the other way around. Our target in love, should be just that. Everything else should not matter. And if people talk, let them. They seem to have a bitter life, plus their standard is not relevant to our own lives. Our love lives are what we make of it. 

I also know one thing for sure, whatever your faith is, find people you can grow spiritually with. It is the utmost important. Because it's an automatic thing, when you and your significant other move upwards together, both of you will grow closer, in God. 

Lastly, for those of you who are currently single, or have problems in your love lives, do pray. Let God handle your love lives and lift up your burden. Be hopeful that God knows better and in His own time, He will show you His plans for you. Amen.