Walking on a path

A few months ago, i decided to follow what was "instructed" to me in my heart. To make an international conference that will touch 4000 people's lives. It took me so many months to finally say, "Yes, i will do this."

What happened after was weird, to say the least. From the moment i step out there, Storms started to close in. I was in a battle i didn't know about. I was attacked. My will, my resolve, everything was attacked. By people who don't believe in it, by chances that don't come my way, by cancelations, by distractions, by disheartening decisions, by pain and dissapoinments.

All of the effort to bring me down did not succeed, until one did. One thing happened and it shook me to the core. It made me lose sight and feel of everything. EVERY THING. I walked aimlessness and strayed to the unknown. Slowly though, i feel like the hold of that pain wearing off. I found my self in a place i've never been. Somewhere far and dark all the time. I have stopped my self from wandering off. I am now on my way back to my self. Now i realized, i have walked so far that it'll take me some time to get back to that kingdom of self. That kingdom where i reign knowing with every breath i own, who i am and why i'm here. I can only know it from memory, but i have not feel it in my lungs and my blood, and in every inch of my being. But slowly, i'm on the way.

I've heard this story before, so many times. They say, this is always what happened when you are put in a path. You get tested, you get defeated, you are attacked by the opposites of light. I claimed that i am the light and the salt of the earth. But as soon as i made that i claim, i was sucked in the dark and was made to feel and taste nothing.

When we are put on a mission, when we follow a vision, you thought that you will be guided, the roads will be dangerous but you will be protected. But boy, how i didn't expect the treacherous road! When i was kidnapped by the dark, i saw nothing. Right now, i am beckoned into grace again. But still, i'm the one who has to walk back to the path of light. I have to train my thoughts to believe that this journey will not be in vain. I need to just keep walking and believing. Because faith is the frequency where God work His miracles. I need to stay in this frequency. Even if all i hear is static now. Even if i'm still walking in a dark slippery path, with storms pouring on me. This path will bring me home. I need to discipline my steps, train my thoughts, strategize my provision, i need to surrender my self to the will of God. Everything will fall into place, not as i planned, but as God has planned them to happen.

Keep walking, Nin. It won't be long now. Refocused and discipline yourself. Just keep walking.

NINA AND DEVI VLOG IN MANANGA ABA, SUMBA, INDONESIA

Roller Coaster

For the last 6 weeks, my life has been such a roller coaster ride. It gives me ups and down too many times a day. It has gotten to the point where i'm a little sick in the stomach.

I had a huge fight with my sister. One that i have never experienced in my whole 37 years of life. We talked it out, and that's why i'm ready to share in my blog. But still, i'm not going to tell you what it's about and how everything settled.

I will say that, this fight that we had, had shook me. Very deep to my core. I know it's over, and i know everything has passed. But i can not lie, it changed me. The hurt stayed. Which is weird. I don't know why it's been so stubborn latching in my heart and has been clouding my head ever since.

It feels like that experience i had in Sumba. I think i almost drown.
We were swimming in Lapopu Waterfall, when a friend of mine panicked in the middle of it. She started to drown. I stopped swimming and dove to save her. She panicked and pulled me downward. I tried to swim upward and push her, but i can't. She was too heavy. I tried to call my friends but they can't hear me because the sound of the waterfall was just too loud. No one can hear me. I dove again, trying my best to lift her, but she became even more panicked and pull me further down. There were a strong undercurrent and i was pulled in. I saw her feet on top of my head, while i still hadn't touch the ground. The water was deeper than i thought. I pushed up again and screamed for for help. Everybody saw me and froze. I kept screaming, "Save her, save her, she's drowning!" but no one came. So i tried to lifet her again and in that moment i cried, i remember thinking, "Oh My God she's drowning and i can't save her!". Finally my friend Devi swam toward us and she tried to help me. But what happened was the opposite. Ollie pulled us both down as she tried to propelled herself up. The three of us was under water, for what to me seemed like the longest time. I started losing my strength and breath but i kicked up again. I saw Vera told me to turn Ollie around, and i screamed, "I cant!" and then i went down again. from under the water i saw Vera coming our way. She strangle Ollie's neck, and that made Ollie stop moving and that, made it easier for us to help her. Vera pulled Ollie, while Devi and I pushed from under the water. When Vera kick off her feet to fight the current, she kicked Devi, and Devi started to sink. That's when i felt tired and then i got under and sucked in by the current. I don't know how long i was in the water but then i resurfaced again. Once we are all save, i grabbed Ollie. Both of us were trembling. i was in shock, i started to cry. I can't forgive myself if anything were to happen to her.
After everything was over, we got up the river, there i found my self freezing. I can't move. From ankle to my heart, i was frozen. I told my self, "Nina you are in shock, fight it! breathe. breathe.breathe." Then i started to tremble again. I let everyone walked ahead of me. While on the way back i steadied my thoughts, i concentrated on the slippery paths. After we all got to the assembly point, i hugged Ollie. i said, "i'm so sorry! so sorry! It's my fault!" then i cried while everyone started to hug me. Everything was ok and i was quiet all the way to our next destination. I was still quiet even the day after. I feel like that right now. Like i just resurfaced. Still in shock. Tremble. I hide it well, but even now, as i'm writing this story, my hand is shaking, and crying. I can't thank God enough for helping us that day. It was God's help, i'm sure of it. Otherwise, the three of us might not survived. Right now, i'm praying so that i can wake up from this aftershock.

Everyday, i feel encouraged but then pulled down again and again. It really is like that day in that waterfall. I keep fighting, keep trying to resurface, but there's always something that pull me down again. I did a great presentation in the morning then some incidents happen in the afternoon. I got a lousy morning, then hopeful noon, and a decent afternoon, only to get discouraging emails at night. I'm so tired, and i hate that I'm in so much need of support and words of affirmations from others.

I just survived a life and death situation and a tremendous hurt. I'm now trying to find my self again. I need to remember myself again. Who am i, what am i good at, what am i to others? Do i really have any impact in anyone's life? or am i just deluding myself? I wish i can find out for sure what i mean to people out there. Not my work, but just me, as a person. Do i actually matter? Do anything i say or do actually make a difference? I don't know. I hope these things will be revealed to me soon.

Dear God, thank You for saving my life. Can You show me, what do you want me to do next? I trust in Your leadership, God. Please show me the way. Amen.

My Commencement Speech at Unika Atma Jaya October 1st, 2016

I was asked to give a commencement speech on behalf of Atma Jaya Alumni, about how to get ahead and be successful in life. Here I tackled the anxiety that people have about millenials, and i also want the graduates to revisit their goals in life.

Being a Girl Boss

I have been more active i Linked In recently, and just like Facebook, Linked In has articles, and i'd read these articles from time to time.

The difference between Facebook and Linked In are these :  Facebook can show you which of your friends who are actually shallow and racist, Linked In can show you who are the most boastful of their achievements and opinions plus you get a sense of how many chauvinist swine that are still alive and well in this world.

Sample : Whenever i declare my self as a feminist, in Facebook i'd be unfollowed and some (may have) branded me bad. Just as bad as communist. In Linked In, I'd be high-fived, or will get in-mail that say things like, " just another girl-power dumb lass"

People still have these rules about being powerful women. They don't even know what feminist means, and a lot associated that word with bad, immature, uncontrollable, wild, disrespectful women. This is just as bad as not knowing Islam and branded them as terrorist,  or not know knowing Christianity and give them derogatory names. the term "Powerful Women" is still associated with cold, ambitious, heartless, political, back-stabber, lonely home, lonely children, etc. The feeling that radiated from you getting the tittle "Powerful Woman" are often contempt, anger, disgust, jealousy, and then you'll hear all these nonsense assumptions about your inability to keep a happy life and a happy home.

Being a "Girl Boss" is no different. In my early days being a boss, i faced so many hatred from lots of vendors that i dealt with. I was given so many names simply for demanding what i have paid for. Though, we all have come a long way in 13 years, but i still get stupid questions whenever i'm seen too busy, go travel, or on business trips. The dumbest yet the most F.A.Q that i get is this, "Your kids, who are they with right now?" or in Bahasa, "Anaknya sama siapa, mba?" Normally i smiled and elaborate where they are and who is taking care of them at the moment (as if that's any of their business), but sometimes, just sometimes i'd like to reply by saying, "yeah, i left them alone, no, actually i neglected them. They are now alone, in the house, without anyone taking care of them, no food, and just let them fend for themselves."

Whenever i give the short version of my child-care-plan-while-mommy-is-busy, i'd still get asked so many questions. So i have to explain, all the time, That, at the moment, their dad/grandparents armed with nannies (plural) and maid and driver are there with them. I have left them with menus, and meal plans, and money too. I've also wrote down emergencies number of each kid's pediatricians, not to mention all kinds of what to do's when kids get a mild fever, or fell sick, or vomiting, or whatever illness that can happen whenever i'm out. Oh btw, i've also left enough entertainment options, study guides, worksheets to study and to play with. I also call my kids from time to time, that even they feel their mommy calls too often.

You'd think people will shut up after hearing this, but alas, no. The next question will be, "Is your husband okay with you being successful?" Zzzz. Snore. People need to come up with other questions. Seriously. My answer would be short, "We attract what we are. If we are insecure women, then we'll attract insecure men. I am an Empress, i attract Kings and Emperors. They like who i am, and they need a partner in life like myself to  build an Empire with. I married a King, and he's proud of his Queen."

I am a girl boss and i am proud of who i am. I don't care about the rules that people try to make me follow. Like the rules that says,
"A women should never be ambitious." (whatever)
"A women should not be too strong, or too gentle. " (huh?)
"A woman should wear power dress or power suit." (i wear what i want, i'll wear that dress because i want to, not because people told me too)
"A professional woman should never look too hot, or too cold." (Baby, I'm just too hot to handle, and too cool care)

I don't care what people think of me. Whenever people say baseless hurtful things, and have this excuse to justify their comments, "Hey, we have the right to say whatever we want." I'd just rolled my eyes and scroll away. None of us has the right to other people's lives and the way they choose to live them. So people look down on you? The only people who will do that, are the insecure ones. The ones that needed other people's admiration. That's why they measure us against their standard. Because within the perimeter of that standard, they feel that they are better than us, and they need people to agree with them.

Seriously, who has time to deal with these people? Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said :

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.


Plus i strongly believe in these saying too :

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind”


So, pardon me when i say, "Off course people have the right to say whatever they want, but i also the right, to not give a shit."

I'm just too busy building my own life, and power ladies, don't we all?

Being an entrepreneur is easier than being an employee? -From Angky Yudi...

Transformation

I've had so many low points in my entrepreneurial journey, but these past 2 years has been the most challenging by far.  Things just don't seem like it will get better. Sometimes, many times, i feel like i can't see the way, and merely lead with gut and faith.

Most of my friends tell me, repeatedly, that i will, once again lead the company out of the impossible. I said my thanks, but truthfully, it was getting harder and harder to believe what they believe. 

Yet today, i was awaken, literally by thunderstorm and lighting. I got up, and as i was looking out the window, at 4.28 a.m from my 24th floor room in Hong Kong, i became aware that I woke up with the clearest head i've had in months. 

Yeah, this is the day of transformation. This is the day that i believe, i can and i will lead us through. 

How to become a successful Introvert? By Nina Moran and Vera Shiska

I'm a weird introvert. My Jungian type is INTJ, but my DISC is High D and High S. Yeah, i'm complex to say the least :)



Anyway, in this video we talk about my weirdness, please watch, like, and comment ya. Thank you so much!

What do you think about about ambitious women?

Is ambition bad? Ambition and being ambitious is seen as a negative trait. In my video, i share my thoughts about ambitious women. Please watch, comment, share and subscribe ya
thank you!

Strength

I don't tell people the story of my childhood often. Whenever we get to this point of conversation, i always skip, or i would tell a little of surface stories but then i'd quickly deflect or direct the story to something else. Sometimes i fast forward to the point where every thing is okay.

The reason why i do this is, not because i'm sad or ashamed. On the contrary. I think that my childhood was pretty normal. I thought most urban kids had the same problems. After all, i was never abused, never really really poor, never physically or emotionally hurt in ways that it should be traumatic. It's just a childhood.

Later in life, i found out, that my childhood was pretty hard. I'm not sure if i should start telling the stories now, because, i still feel that, my childhood was similar to 7 series of telenovela, but, pretty boring nonetheless. 

Maybe to put some background, i can tell you that my parents used to be rich. I remember living in a huge house. My mother said that the house we used to own was more than 1000m2. When my father lost it all because of a bad business call, we went from that rich to have nothing. We rented a 100m2 house, which to my parents must be pretty traumatic. It took a toll on their marriage, and not long after that, they got divorced. To be honest, as the eldest in the family, it was not the lack of money that stressed me out. It is the the fact that at the time, parents were so absorbed with their problems, that they sort of forgotten to take care of us. I pretended for a long time, that i was okay. It's my parent's divorce, it has nothing to do with me. They can mess up their life, i don't have to mess up mine. Around the same time, i was bullied a lot at school. My bullies used to tell me they hated my attitude. In their perception, i acted like i was the prettiest girl at school. Little did they know that i was just trying to make friends, and i'm pretty sure i wasn't flirty. It's just that i'm a mix blood, i have brown eyes, freckles, and that makes me, by Indonesian standard, a good looking girl. The truth is, i really don't feel good inside. It's hard to feel happy and beautiful, when you have so much problems at home. My mind and my focus have always been about protecting my sisters. I was and still am very protective and maternal towards them. Now that my sisters are married and have kids, i feel protective towards my brothers in law and my nieces and nephew too. It's just a force of habit i guess.

A few years later, my father can't afford to pay rent anymore and we lived with our grandparents. My mother sometimes made gemblong and ask people to sell her gemblong at the local market. There was a time when she tried to sell fried rice too, but it didn't work out. My mother sold sembako to pay for my school tuition. At night i would try to make a little bit of money by working as a waitress in my uncle's warung, i worked from 9 pm to 1 am and then go to school in the morning. When i was in high school my mom sent me to live with my aunt. I did lived there for 2 years. After that, dad rented us a house at a family's friend's place who needed a little cash. Things slowly got better after that. By 2002 Dad managed to buy an old and damaged mini market and built it to become a house. The house that 2 years later, became the first office of Gogirl! magazine. 

So i was bullied, i was called many names, people made up all kinds of fictions about me. I had to work but i wanted to. I didn't feel like that was a burden. I used to manage house hold money since i was in high school, because at the time my mother got really sick for a number of years. I took care of my sisters, i made them study hard. I lied to Anita, i said if she wanted to get into ITB and take Design, she has to come from IPA, otherwise ITB wouldn't even consider her application. I didn't know that, that was not true, but i was just making sure that she has a much better options when she finished high school. At the time, if you graduated from IPA, you can apply for any subject in University. But if you graduated from IPS, you can not apply for many studies that required IPA based. I made Githa go to SMU Tarakanita 1, because that's the most discipline school that i know of, and i wanted the best school for her. Internet was not yet known, so i have very limited information, options, and money. You see, i do all this with no burden. I feel like it's my duty. But sometimes, it did got hard when my parents were not being fair to me. My mother, became bitter, and father relied on me too much. They were hurt, and in so much pain, that sometimes they projected their pain towards me. I don't want to go into details about this. Because, i have forgiven them a long time ago, and right now, they are not the same bitter people that they were. I think they are two of the strongest people that i know of, and at the time, they were just going through so much pain dan disappointments. 

Do you know the story of Gogirl? Maybe a lot of you already know the story, since i wrote them in my book, From No One to Someone. If i write down my life story like this, suddenly, i see a connection. I was bullied, i was called a lot of names, and people used to made up stories about me. All that, was to prepare me. Because that's what happened when we started Gogirl! You know when we first started, there were blogs and forum that talked about me, my sisters, but in a hurtful way. I used to get emails that was just so rude and so harsh. People made assumptions about us, and then discussed it in a forum. What's even weirder, they talked about our marriages, bashed our husbands, make stories and joked about it. I was shocked when i found them, but i never replied or said anything to them. I didn't know any of them, and i never tried to found out. 

So much happened during the time we build Gogirl. So much hurt, and pain, and disappointments. But, it seems that, God had prepared us to face this, a long time ago. About a decade earlier. We were being prepared to be able to handle the problems we are going to face. We were being honed and strengthened, so that we can face these problems a decade later. Isn't that amazing? It made me filled with tears now. Because it has been crazy hard this past 2 years, and it made me think, "God, are you just preparing me now? so that i'm better equipped, stronger, smarter, much more resilient later?" 

Let me just pause for a second.

//

In that case, Thank You, God. Thank you for these lessons, thank you for the hardships, haha, i'm ready to take on even more challenge now. Bring it on! Because i know, 10 years down the road, You have a plan for us, so big, that we need to be prepared for it. We need to be tougher and also wiser. I'm believing in Your ways. Thank You.

//

Strength, is a muscle. We become strong, because we hone our skill to be strong every day with every struggle and pain that we encounter. Strength's best friend is will power. Both, we need to practice everyday. Our strength determined our will power, Our will power build our strength. Strength and will power are results. They are the results of faith, patience, and discipline. 

We are never strong on our own. We can be strong by choosing to be strong, by choosing to believe, by dealing with our trials and challenges in faith. By walking the walk, one step a time. One day at a time.

Kindred Spirit

Today is about meeting people.

I met a friend, Maya. Who i've known for a long time. All this time, i have never realized that we are kindred spirit. But i guess that's what happen if we are introverts. We kinda absorb life inward, living in our own little world. When we were young, these weirdness is just... weird. It kinda disconnect you from people.

As we grow older and came to know how to navigate through our noisy mind and quirky feelings, i found out, we still crave for human connection. Just in our own quiet ways. I enjoyed our talk. It was heartwarming, enlightening, and somehow my heart longs for the next time i would feel this connection again. Yet, being a true introvert, even though i was stirred with the meeting, and so looking forward to do it again, i still feel exhausted. Weird. even i think it's weird. It doesn't matter if i like the person or not, meeting people always drain me. No matter if enjoy meeting them or not, i will always feel very tired afterwards. I guess, the longer i know the person, the more at ease i become when i'm around them. But, it does not change the after effect. I still need alone time to recharge.

Btw, i've been going to JPCC for the last 6 weeks. In JPCC they have small communities called D.A.T.E. We just joined 2 weeks ago and today is our second meeting in this group gathering. It's funny how i'm not anxious around them by this second meeting. I don't know if it's because i have been pushing my boundaries lately, or really because of something else. Or maybe it is both.

It is so not me to make a youtube channel. It's very very scary for me. I think i look so hostile or tired in the videos, but i just make my self thinking, "It's ok. just keep at it, you'll get better at it." So even though i feel anxious all the time, i try to chill. You know, even as i'm typing this, i kept thinking that i should take down the videos. They suck, i suck. They don't matter. That's what i kept thinking to my self.

But, i'm giving my self my own advice to Maya. Nothing we do is ever wasteful. We just have to do our part. Just do our part. we never know if what we do is being used by God to create miracles. We might never know it too. But we just need to do our part.

So this post is for the other introverts out there. My kindred spirits. My soul sisters. Sometimes, we got to push our boundaries. Get uncomfortable. Get to be someone we are not. Someone better. Someone stronger. Because, that's our calling in this life. To be God's tool to create miracles. Miracles we might never see, miracles we might never know, miracles we might never get any credit for. I can't tell you what's in it for you, when we do all these. But i do know one thing, our lives will never be a wasted life.

ON THE COUCH #3 HOW TO MAINTAIN OUR ENERGY

video baru lagiiii, silaken dikunjungi. Thanks guysss

ON THE COUCH WITH NINA MORAN #2 WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL

This is my second video for my youtube channel. Do visit, like, comment, share, and subscribe ya, thank you!

Btw, i got great feedbacks from people to add english subtitle in the video. Friends in linked in wanted them so they can watch and recommend to people. Another friend of mine told me, subtitle would be helpful for people with hearing disability like her.

So since this is a long weekend and i can't (well, actually i'm just too lazy) to go to the office to edit the videos, i thought i'll just write the text in my video here.


video text :

Hi welcome back here, with me Nina Moran.
Today i have a question from Diana Rikasari, Thank you so much for the question.


Ok first, wait a second, she asked.. "What scares you the most?"

Umm, thats, a difficult question. OK hmm, what scares me the most,  maybe.. the obvious answer would be, to lose the people that we, i,  love, because they are my source of power and happiness. probably that. But if you want a less obvious answer, i think my biggest fear, what scares me the most is, if my work does not have value anymore for other people. Because i'm the kind of person that, above all, i want to be an impactful person for others. I don't mind if people don't remember my name, but mmm i would love it if something i do really mean something to people. even if it's just one people, i mean one person, not one people. Because one inspired person can change the world, can change anything and able to create things beyond our imagination. So, i guess it will scare the hell out of me, if i don't matter anymore. What i mean by that is, if or when my life and my work, are not meaningful for other people. That.. that's pretty scary.

And then umm, her second question : What is my main priority right now?

So, Gogirl! used to be just Gogirl! right now we are Aprilis Companies. In Aprilis Companies we have several companies. Aprilis Media has, well, is Gogirl. But even Gogirl! is not just a print magazine anymore, Gogirl is actually Gogirl! media because we are also a website, social media, youtube channel, the whole thing. We are also, actually Gogirl also do a lot of activations for our clients.

Aside from Gogirl media, i mean, Aprilis Media, we also have Picnic. Picnic is a retail company, we sells clothes online and at Pondok Indah Mall (jakarta), The jacket that i wore on the previous video and this one are from Picnic.

We also have Aprilis Consultant Creative, wait... Aprilis.. well the brand name is in english, but the company is in bahasa indonesia. Anyway, ACC is a like a production house. We have in-house team to make videos, ads, etc. Which normally we used to create contents through out our companies.

Now the new one is called Resonance. Resonance is actually and online & offline activation agency. What we do is, we create integrated activations online that is tied with "real life" events. The target market of Resonance is older than Gogirl! segment. Resonance was a department in Gogirl that handles all internal and client's activations, but after 9 years, we feel that this very successful department needs to be "released" from Gogirl. So we did and we brand it Resonance. The reason is, so that we are not limited to cater teens' (activations). Because there are so many loyal Gogirl! readers that's already grown up, and we feel it's such a shame if we don't create online and offline activities for them. That's what we are working on right now. Maybe we can say that, Resonance is a start up, and it's my focus right now. Resonance has a big dream. Next year, resonance is going to organize a conference, a pretty big one. We really believe that from this conference we can build a community, and we can share a lot of positivity, for.. well, our aim is for women whose age is above Gogirl, but if suppose teens, and probably men would like to join us, than, it's okay too. That's my main focus right now. I really believe in Resonance. Because, i don't know, i have, i rejected a lot of big opportunities so that i can run Resonance.  I.. I.. i just want to make Resonance as impactful as Gogirl! but for age segment that more... mature than Gogirl. That's my main focus right now.

Now third question, wait, the third one... "Why is it important to be a successful woman?"

Because you need to have your own self worth, and success is..  people's definition of success is varied. But it is important to be successful in whatever you want to. You want to be a successful house mother, i mean house mom, why not? you wan to be a successful career person, why not? you want to be a successful athlete, why not? you want to be a successful entrepreneur, go ahead, what's stopping you? But why is it so important tone successful? Because, you need to have that, that, that goal in life. That makes you feel,"my life has meaning. my life is not an accidental living."So that we don't live our lives while sleepwalking. I mean, it's like, everyday, we live without aim, we live well, coincidentally, because we were born, and then we are here in this world, not really knowing what we are doing here. That's not the kind of... That shouldn't be your life! Because if we live, and we a have an aim to.. to a place, or to a measurement of success, it makes us, everyday, we live our life with.. with.. i don't know.. hmm.. purpose and aim. It's very different. the feeling, compare to if you live everyday, like you wake up because you just woken up. Whatever you are going to do today, is random. It's just very different. It's like if you go to work just because you have to, compare to you go to work because that's what you want to do, that's what makes you happy. Your quality of life is just very different. If we are a house wife, and we play that role with joy, like every day we are so grateful and we really want to become a better and better mom. Or if we want to be even better wives for our husbands, our life, will be, joyful, like we have a goal. I don't know.. it's just that, like our lives are not meaningless. Like there's a purpose of our lives.

So i think why we need to be successful, yea, first for ourselves. So that we can feel, that, we are beneficial to others, meaningful, that we.. are worthwhile. That's why we need to be a successful person not just a successful woman.

For my religious belief, why i need to be successful is because, we live in servitude towards God. We have to have.. we need to live the role that God intended from our lives. There has to be a reason why we live in this world.  There has to be a purpose that God intended, or there's a role that God what us to play or realized or make come true. It's just not possible that all our lives are in vain. It's just not possible that there's no purpose in each of our lives. So i believe that i was put in this world, to live that role or purpose or goal that even i can't imagine my self. So to be successful is part of servitude to God. It's part (of the reason) we dedicate our lives for noble intentions, to glorify God, to use our lives to help others, and..

Why shouldn't you be a successful person? right?

Okay, that's my answers. Thank you so much Diana, for your very difficult, and very insightful questions.

For everyone who wants to ask questions, you can put your questions in the comment section, or you can just put your question randomly on my instagram, or you can email me in nina_juliana@ gogirlmagazine.com go ahead, so thank you, thank you so much for joining me in this video, don't miss and click my other videos! Bye!

MY FIRST VIDEO IS UP : ON THE COUCH #1

Ok guys, my first video in my youtube channel is up. I'm so nervous. Main-main ya, tapi pleaseee be kind, soalnya nervous banget!!

Revelation

I had a revelation last sunday. Or was it saturday? Anyway, these words were spoken by Christine Caine, and they slapped me awake,

"You see the magnitude of the problem, and you think you can't do everything. Because you think you can't do everything, you don't do the one thing, that can activate something." 

She said, 

"Many times you give God the list of why you can not. You say, But God, i'm not good enough, i'm not smart enough, i don't know the right people, i'm not talented enough, i'm not this and that, we say this as if God doesn't know. But you see, in your best day, you will never be good enough, but if only you do just one thing, and you bring that one thing to God, you bring your imperfections to God, then God will use that one thing to deliver not just you, but many others. But if you do nothing, it's not just your life that's bound, but many others' too."

"You have been in this mountain too long. Break camp, advance, start moving."

These words makes me feel unaffraid anymore. Everyday, i will hear people affirm me, and even if they don't, i still know i'm in the right track. 

Thank You God, for this powerful message you sent me. I'm sorry i've been a real brat and a whiny bitch lately. I will focus more on this mission you put in my heart. Amen.

Motivational Accounts

Have you ever seen these instagram accounts that basically give you motivational quotes? I saw some that targeted to entrepreneurs or career driven people. You know how i feel about them? Most of the time i would be inspired but sometimes, they make me feel so mad!

You know why? because almost all these instagram account are owned by men. Single or married, have kids or not, doesn't matter. They are mostly owned by men. Which means, sometimes they tell you to do things that's just make you want to bang their heads with a frying pan. 

Why? Because even with my kind of personality, it is way harder for us women to do what they tell us to do! I'm mostly mad at married men that told us to hustle! F****** C***! 

Look, men can be engaging, loving, and modern and stuff, but we women still do a whole lot more than they are. Especially if we have kids. You want proof? How about we compare our mondays to begin with?

On Mondays, what do you do?

Husbands : do whatever morning routine that they want.

Wives: do our morning routines with sound effects produce by your kids. Example: "Mooom, i can't find my sooocks." "Moooom, bella don't want to share food." continued with high pitched squeal by bella and soon follow the fighting and the crying. 

What do the husband do? 

say, "stop fighting guys." while still not looking up from whatever they are doing.

Wives? more or less like this : Dashed to grab bella, hold her in our arms, bring her along to andrew's socks pile upstairs. You see, it's not that andrew can't find the socks, and it's just that, that particular day, he wanted to wear the other ones. Found the other socks, gave them to andrew, while continously soothing bella. Then came back downstairs to noelle, giving her the bread that she wanted her sister to share, and then make bella apologize and then urge them to play together again. 

Just when you succeed, your husband look at you with a slightly annoyed look on his face, "Ma, you haven't taken a bath yet? we are going to be late for work." 

Any of this sounds familiar ladies? This is when i want to give my middle finger to all men that advices us to hustle. Shut the F up! we are doing much more than you, and doing a f-ing good job at it too. Granted, we are not doing it with 100% sanity, but crazy is the new sexy, right? No? oh well, moving on!

How about the fact that, i have never seen husbands set up family weekly menu and match the budget with the nutrition plus preference of everyone in the house. Ladies, if you have a man that does this, never divorce him! 

I'm thrilled that nowadays i see 30% of dads coming to parent-teacher meetings. I swear, every time i see dads come to these events, especially if they come alone because their wives have to do other things, i always wanted to set a Facebook fan page for them. These guys are rockstars! Most of the time though we, moms, are the ones that need to be in mommies WhatsApp group and stress about the fact that the school wanted my son to bring Hibiscus Flower tomorrow, and that's a last minute thing. I have never seen, fathers get so frantic about finding last minute flannel material for tomorrow's art project, this time, it's not a last minute, but it's something you completely forgot. I have also never seen dads put in a corner by teachers because their kid hated the lunch that he prepared 2 days in a row. You see where i'm going with this?

Yes, we women have no excuse not to advance in our career. But, that does not mean you (supposedly enlighten-men, motivational instagram, sexist pigs, and bots) can tell us that we are not committed if we don't get up at 4 or 5 am to give ourselves the best hour of our lives, when we only get to sleep at 12 or 1 a.m after making worksheets for our kids. 

You know what, i think we need new motivational videos and instagram for women. Made by women too. I know there are many outhere, but maybe we need more. Much more! The words can whip our asses to move forward, be ambitious and such, but also emphatic and solution oriented. Unforgiving yet heartwarming. Yeah i'm gonna do that. Let me just think of a good name for the account. 

Any suggestions? I'm all ears.

i can't remember the last time i don't think about tomorrow
the last time i don't have anything to do and lay low
the luxury of time that travels slow

i can't remember the time when love is a dream
because everything is never how it seems
i've seen friends lose themselves in pretend
like their search of meaning knows no end
other times i see how lonely we are
or angry because of deeds that's gone too far

they say never settle for less
because we deserve the best
but, so deep is the fall
from reality to the dream of having it all
no one has it all
but that does mean sad at all

we are under the illusion that we have control
but many times i feel like i'm playing a game with no console

i have a conviction
though many times they feel like fiction
like i'm lying to my self
like i'm selling a perfection

i was told by a friend,
"nina you are a legend"
maybe is should believe her
so that i can become her

i'm out of balance
but i'm not forsaken
my fire is dim within the absence
somewhat forgotten

i'm disoriented yet i am strong
i'm trying to recenter, reclaim where i belong
i'm not a tag-along
i'm a lioness, a queen all along
i just have to remember that before too long

Scary Dreams

No i don't have nightmares again. I haven't have any since we paid off our tax (Thank God!). On the contrary, i have a huge dream that scares the hell out of me. I want to make a week of inspiration camp. For girls and women. Later i will make for boys and men too. But my first move will be to create this international gatherings of girls and women where we learn from each other. I have this dream for so long but i haven't got the guts to make it happen. But i'm making it happen now. I call it Aprilis Conference. It will be held in The Kasablanka, 29 April 2017. 

Yes, it's only a day. But i will start with a day. I want this so bad that i literally dream about it at night. Apcon is the nickname that people give this event. People who? People that i've told this idea to. I have trouble eating and i find my self in steve job's mode. Translation : wearing the same outfit everyday, hmm but not the turtleneck and the straight leg blue jeans. I am wearing black t-shirt and black skinny jeans almost everyday. Only when i'm meeting people, i will put on an outer or a proper shirt over my t-shirt. I'm focusing but in the same time also feeling that my mind is racing all the time. With scenarios and worries, and ideas, and everything else.

To ensure that i don't break down like the last time, i make time to meet friends more often. Specially entrepreneur friends. They are the most understanding bunch when it comes to these things. Just being around them comforts me. I know that's weird. I've also gone out of my comfort zone to start hanging out with new people. Still in the entrepreneurial scope, but, hey this is huge for me. I'm having a little anxiety attack just thinking about it. 

My best friend just took off to Cambodia, alone, backpacking. I envy her, but with everything that's going on, i'm pretty much nailed to my city. Too many projects, too little time. 

I'm also in the middle of pitching our new ideas to advertisers. Everyone in the company are on edge. I had a tearful argument with my sister last week. We are scared and frustrated, but we ended the day in good terms. It's been a while since we actually fought because of work, but it's very understandable why it happened. The stakes are high and we haven't make much progress just yet. It's been too much, and we are just really tense.

Soon i will be able to share the things that we've been working on, but not just yet. 

I'm tired even though i haven't done much physically. Actually i haven't done anything physical since my pilates studio closed down. Maybe that's why.

I know that we are going to make it, it's just a bit scary right now. But hey, that's how it's supposed to be. I need to scare my self shit like this all the time, because that means i'm insane enough to think big. I think, i need to hang out with even more with batshit-crazy people, so that some of those impossible dreams i have would seems juvenile next to theirs. This usually motivates and calms me at the same time. 

By the way, i have some exciting news. I have been asked to give commencement speech at my almamater. I've always wanted to do that. I still don't know what i'm going to say, but yaayyyy! 

alright, i better do some research on how to give commencement speech, cuz if it's up to me, i'd asked the graduates to take a we-fie and be done with it :)

My Youtube Chanel

I'm starting a youtube channel soon. I have some ideas on what shows i'm going to do, but i really wanna hear what do people want to know from me. I mean, i'm surprise that there are people who actually read my blog, so i'm guessing you guys, probably waiting for me to share some stuff that interest you.

So anyway, i'm going to list some ideas that i have, and see if you guys like any of it, or have other ideas in mind.

1. Leadership show: i know a lot of people specially millennials love to have their idea how a leader should be, so it'd be interesting to do a show about it. Maybe i'll invite my friends who are leaders in their companies to share their leadership style.

2. Relationship : the ideal vs the reality

3. Men : I'm going to invite men and ask them questions we still don't understand about them

4. Motherhood : i hate this topic, because too many moms judging other mom, so i might refrain on this topic

5. Endurance : I get asked a lot how to endure tough times, so this can be something to talk about

6. Ambition : i think we have way too little ambition, or maybe our ambition needs better direction?

7. Book discussion : pretty self explanatory

8. Life skill : the things we need to learn to be a better or happier person.

 So, what do you guys think? which one you like best or look forward to? do you have any suggestions?

Let me know in comment below. Thank you!

A Study in Relationship

I realized not a lot of people talk about marriage. The truth anyway. The real what's it like to be married for more than 5-10 years. What you have to get through everyday. Most people think that in marriage there are some disagreements, but we are sure we will always find a common ground.

Most people keep a tight shut door when it comes to the realness of being married, hence the gap between the dream and the reality. I my self don't really know how to talk about this without giving the wrong idea. I sometimes feel duped when i get to some stage in my marriage which is far beyond my imagination and people would say, "relax, that's normal." I feel like cheated, to be honest, because nobody had told me about it before.

My parents got divorced when i was 13. It was in September 1992. I was mature for my age, so both my parents often confided in me. I usually never said a word, but, merely listen to their pain. Fast forward 14 years later, i got married and maybe i jumped in blindfolded, because i really don't know how a wife should be. 

There were so many things i didn't know about being married and it was painful for me to realize how i made so many mistakes without even knowing i did. I hate the fact that i hurt my husband without knowing and for years i have felt so much bitterness or resentment toward some of the things he never said but clearly minded. 

These were my mistakes :

1. The tones and the words that i used when i object the things he did or said. I was upset but i never meant to disrespect him, but apparently, when i said certain things, he perceived them as disrespect or mistrust.

2. When we fight, i always want to talk about them. Discuss them. I asked him questions and i feel hurt and abandoned when he left the house. Apparently, men's brain simply need about 7 hours to process what happen and then they need more time to asses how they feel about it. I found the research that reported this fact and felt guilty for thinking awful things about my husband. I thought he was just selfish, and that he didn't care about me.

3. Often, both my husband and i feel unappreciated. Like all that i do is never right, and he'd feel everything he does for me always seems to be wrong. I found out that, we human being do not feel loved the same way. Some of us feel loved when our spouse says words of affirmations, some feel loved when given quality time, some feel loved when they receive gift, some feel loved when their spouse help them, some feel loved when touched physically. This is why we feel love deprived and also unappreciated. My husband feel loved when he receive gift and when i help him, so he shows his love to me by giving me gifts and helping me around. While i feel loved when he give me his quality time and touch me physically, so i show my love my giving him time and hugging him a lot. So you see, we both felt unloved because we did not get what we need, and we both feel unappreciated because all our effort to show love didn't get the response that we hope for. I'm still learning how to love my husband in the way he needs to be loved, but it's a constant journey and i still get confuse.

4. I also learned about forgiveness. We used to think that forgiveness means being able to forget the wrong doing. I thought, when we forgive that means, all the hurt, anger, and mistrust will immediately evaporate the moment we forgive. That's not the case. Forgiveness is a decision. It does not evaporate hurt, anger, mistrust, nor does it eliminate any consequence of the wrongdoing. Forgiveness allow healing, and everything else needs to be earned back, in time. 

5. I also found out that i'm a day person and my husband is a night person. Which means, i really shut down around 9 or 10, While my husband needs to go out around that time. When a night person meet a day person, he will feel suffocated and controlled, even though the day person never meant to do that, but that's just the way the night person would feel. 

There are still so many mistake that i did or thought about. I recommend you to read, "For Women Only" by Shaunty Feldhahn, "The 5 Love Language" by Gary Chapman, and "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" by Gary Chapman. I learned a lot from these books. I'm still a work in progress. A lot of times, it is very hard to change myself, because i'd feel hurt when i have been trying like heaven to change, and then my husband just simply, doesn't. Sometimes it hurt me when he feels that the change in my behavior or tone of voice were actually overdue. Even if he's right, it still hurt when my efforts were not acknowledged. So, the change in me could take a long time to really make a difference that matters. 

Beside the mistakes, i also didn't know about certain things. Like how superbly annoying men are when they are sick. OMG, a lot of times when my husband is sick, i'd pray for patience and strength. I also didn't know that i'd be alone in parental duties to help our children study. I hate that i'm alone in teaching andrew do his school work, or make noelle start recognizing words, or trace letters, or teach bella to sing. I also hate that when i'm busy teaching andrew, he'd just shove phones and iPads to make the girls sit quietly, or call the nannies, while he plays Clash Of Kings. Sometimes i feel angry deep in my heart because of this. 

I thought, parental duties will be shared or at least we would somehow work together or work something out together. But so far, it is not just my husband who really lack involvement in this area, i have not seen dads that actually do 1/4 of we moms must do. To be honest, i still resent this. The older and wiser women had come to terms and accepted this fact. I'm still struggling. I still resent that my husband can go home and take a bath and then play with his phone or hobbies, while the moment i reach home i have to check andrew's agenda, check his notebooks, study with him till late, and then when he goes to sleep, i then take a bath, and maybe, i can watch netflix, if i'm not too tired or emotionally drained.

I gotta be honest, there are times when i feel i'm alone in the marriage and in being a parent. There are times like i'm fighting alone. But every time i feel like i can't bear it, i pray. So that i will become even stronger. That i will become more patient and wise. 

I am a work in progress, and i guess, that is what i will always be. A person, who will always fight to be better, stronger, and wiser.

Ah birthdays!

This is the time when we reflect on our lives. We would probably shared some wisdom and life lessons that we have aquired during our years.

Well, i don't really know any wisdom. Because, my conclusion at my 37th year in this world is this: I don't know anything. The things that i have premeditated had been completely wrong or off the mark. By a lot. 

Here are some of the things i thought i knew to be true at least 15 years ago : 

1. Leaders have to know everything.

2. Marriage is hard work but it'll be managable.

3. I know men, what their wants and needs. 

4. I know about forgiveness. 

5. I have ambition

6. Bringing up kids will get easier as they grow up. 

7. I know how and what to eat.

8. I know my self.

9. You got to follow your heart.

10. I am smart enough to take on the world.

You guessed it, apparently all of those things are dead wrong.

It took years to understand and accept how wrong i was about these things. It took maturity and humility, but i know now, i have learned a lot and still have much more to learn. 

A Weird Breakdown

Ok yesterday was scary. 

I was in the car when i started to feel like it's so heavy to breathe. Then i feel totaly weak. Like it's even so hard to lift my head. Then i feel like i want to throw up, my chest hurts and my hand & feet were shaking. In a few minutes, my breathing became harder and harder. I began to feel scared. I didn't know what was going on with me. 

I told my driver to turn the car to the office. I WA my sister and my husband, they think i was just tired and stressed. They told me to go home and rest. But i can't breathe and i told Anita to please come down, i'm waiting in the car and i needed help. 

She didn't think i was serious, so it took her a while to get to my car. She was shocked to see that i couldn't talk by the time she saw me. She rushed me to Siloam ER and called my husband.

I was so embarassed. I hate weakness. I hate that i was so weak that i couldn't even speak. The ER was full but I was the only one under 60 that have old people symptoms. So embarassing. 

As i was waiting, i tried to think about what might caused this. I didn't eat or drink anything out of the ordinary. I drank my usual kale juice that i have been drinking for 1,5 years, i ate my favorite mie ayam at subscribe, that was it. Heart attack? Unlikely. I've been leading an active life. Not to mention i drink vegetable juice 2x a day. I don't eat greasy food. 

Man, why can't i breathe? 

The nurse and doctors worked fast. They checked everything, took my EKG, etc. Not long after that, they said, i had GERD. The gas and acid were the causes why i can't breathe, plus chest, and throat ache were consistent with GERD. They think i ate something that's way too gassy or it was triggered by psychological strain. Shit! I hated hearing that. You see, when i was a kid, my mother would frequent the ER and the doctor always told me she was depressed. I had sworn so many times, that will never be me. I'm strong, much stronger than her. I will never let my self get sick because of life problems. 

When the doctor left, my sister looked at me and said, "I think you are stronger than what he said, so it must be something you ate."

"Well, i did had coffee not long before the kale juice. Maybe that was not a good idea. I mean, i'm used to it, but maybe because i haven't been fit since friday, this time that combo causes the gas to build up and i can't withstand them."

Anita said, "yeah, but the whole thing made me feel that we really should start to schedule general check up. We are getting old."

I tried to laugh but it was still hard to breathe, so i ended up coughing like crazy. 

"Jeez, jus, i mean, i have been taking really good care of my self, exercise 3-4 times a week, eat moderatly healthy, i take green juice 2x a day, and shit like this still happened."

Anita said, "yes, it's freaking new teritory. We are not used to how our body react to activities and food these days. Lately i also feel, pain in my bones and i get headache a lot." 

I felt dizzy and said, "yeah, we should start scheduling general check up. My head is spinning." 

She said, "Try to sleep. I'm gonna get my self something to eat."

After she left, the doctor gave me medicine through the iv and soon after i felt better. My head was still spinning, but i can breathe, though the chest pain was still there. I asked to go home immediately and they released me and gave me some medicine. 

I hated yesterday, i didn't want to put it on my blog at first. I rarely get sick. The only times i was hospitalized were when i was 6 because of dengue, then when i deliver my kids, and one i had terrible gastritic problem. So i hated the fact that i broke down over some lame thing like GERD. I ended up posting this because the comment i receive on my last post. I guess it's normal to think that women like me are somewhat super beings, because we rarely post our weak times, or the times when we were overwhelmed over so many things we are required to do. 

Many times over, we women are expected too much. We need to make our husband and kids well fed and happy. We need to have our own self actualization while prolonging our youth, maintaining our body and keeping a somewhat mental stability. So far, i'm always messing one or two things and i'm not sure i'm sane, but as long as people don't realize i'm half mental, i'm fine with that.

Motherhood

Week 4 in July and i'm staying home again today. Noelle lagi ga mau lepas sama sekali dari aku. I love my babies, tapi sakit kepala deh diem di rumah! Cuma bangun dari sofa mau ke meja makan (jarak cuma 2 ubin) dia udah, "mama mau kemana?" Kayanya nggak ada 1 menit dia nggak manggil, "mama!"

I feel horrible for wanting a tiny bit of quiet time. Aku sering ngulang mantra di kepala, "nin, dia bakal remaja sebentar lagi, dan yang ada kamu yang bakal nyariin dia." Mantra ini selalu manjur memusnahkan jengkel seketika. 

1 yang nggak aku sangka, ternyata bukan cuma anak yg bisa clingy sama kita, akupun jadi attached sama Noelle akhir-akhir ini. I'd miss her, walau dia cuma lagi main di atas sama adiknya atau pergi sekolah. Entah kenapa, aku ngerasa Noelle bukan cuma lagi pengen ngelendot ke aku, tapi kayanya dia berusaha melindungi aku. It seems, she's affraid that i'm going to burst into tears or leave her. Apa anak perempuan emang kaya gini sama mamanya? Aku nggak ngalamin ini waktu Andrew seumur Noelle. Noelle selalu nanya, are you ok? Mama sakit ya? (Emang lg sakit), She worries about me. Noelle is perceptive and sensitive, Andrew nggak gitu.

Aku jadi berat untuk ngantor. Barangkali ini pertama kalinya aku bener-bener pengen jadi stay home mom. Mungkin, i need a little time out. I haven't gone out of the house other than with the kids or to run errands. I haven't gone back to exercising or simply having any alone time. 

Any respite that i get is from sleeping. But my waking hours has been dedicated for my husband & my kids lately. I haven't done anything else. I'm sad, a little bored, confused, and stressed too. 

Andrew is in 4th grade now, and this is only the beginning of his second week at school. Yet, his lessons are already stressing me out. This week, he will already have 2 test! One of them is mandarin. Which i have no idea how to help him study. I have been trying to get him a private mandarin tutor, but they are very expensive. Not to mention, his homeworks and other subjects, that will probably need another tutor. Noelle is late in recognizing words, or even name of things. This worries me and it adds to the pile of worries that i have for my kids. Tutors and classes are super expensive, and i have 2 kids that need them. Without tutors and classes, i will never be able to go back to work. Seriously! Andrew's school needs are just that crazy. I hate that schools are not supporting working parents. For instance, they will tell us today, to provide andrew with atlas or dictionary or whatever tomorrow. I got home from work around 6, and then i immediately open his agenda and found things like that. I'm gonna have to go out again, and seek whatever the school told us to provide for tomorrow! 

I know what you are thinking, why not go mart it? Because i don't know how to explain to gojek, to buy the cheapest yet complete, plus small enough atlas and dictionaries so that he can carry it easily in his back pack. 

My son eats like crazy now. I'm bewildered by how much he eats! That also made me rethink and (rebudget) our meal plans for the week. He complains if he has to eat the same food in a day. It's just that he eats 3 portions now, and he wants all three portion to have different variety. By the way, that's only lunch and afternoon. By 6 & 8 he'd be hungry again! Off course i don't provide 6 kinds of meal in a day, but still, the new eating habit require a more creative approach in meal plans. By the way, why is food so much more expensive now? Specially salmon! 

Noelle is sleeping now, finally i get a little time for my self. Now, should i sleep? run to the gym? learning andrew's mandarin material? make doctor's appoinment for noelle and bela? (They've been coughing for a while, despite my constant nebulizing and their usual cough remedy),  or maybe i should make proposal for work? 

I'm pretty tired, i've had a busy morning. I  need to decide, and quick. 

Andrew will be home in 30 minutes, not enough time to do anything except to prepare his food. When he reached home, i'd tell him to eat and take a nap. Then maybe i can go to the gym, unless, the school want me to provide something to bring tomorrow that we don't aready keep at home. Wait, if i go to the gym, then, i'd be too late to get the girls to the doctor. Unless i go at 2.30, be done by 3.30, bath etc 30 minutes. Tell the driver to bring the kids to pick me up at the gym, we'll reach doctor at 4.30. Will wait about 1 hour to get in. By 6 we'll be done but the medicine will not be ready. Ah too late i think. We wont be back in time for dinner and studying time. 

I guess, i'll know as soon as Andrew gets home.

Blackout

A lot of times people ask me, how to get back up when you are down. My usual answer will be, to cry yourself out, pray and then force your self to stand up, and walk, and move your ass forward. 

I used to be that strong. 

Right now, i'm in a place where i don't remember who and what i am. 

Recently i received painful feedbacks about myself, quite frequently. Normally, i welcome feedbacks. No matter how annoying, offensive, or hurtful they were. My first reactions usualy were, either i became defensive or i'd laughed them off. Either way, it'd take me mere hours to think them through, and then i'd start making the necessary behavioral adjustments. This is not hard for me because, my obsessive need to always be better, is much bigger than my ego. But these feedbacks i've been receiving, are hurting me. More than usual. More than what i let people see. 

The feedbacks were not wrong, but they hurt my core, they made me feel lost. I don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I don't know what's normal, what is acceptable. I don't know where we draw the line in everything, i don't even know if the line actually exist or they were figments of my own imagination, Everything i know seemed wrong. 

These words, made me realized how deep the power of negative words can shatter your soul. They made me become more mindful of what i say and my tone when i speak. 

Even knowing all this, the feedbacks still have their hold of me. I don't know why they have so much control over me this time. I feel weird that i can't bring my self up no matter how many pep talk i give self. No matter how many times i pray. I'm still lost. 

Right now, i'm trying to remember what's good about myself. Because i can't remember it. I can't call upon any memory, to remind me of any of it. It seems even my brain is agreeing with me that everything i thought was good about myself, might not be good at all. My own concept of good and bad is wrong, so i have nothing to call good about myself. 

I'm in the dark, and i'm too embarassed and scared to ask my friends, family, or people in general about what they see in me. I can only assume they have been enduring me, or maybe tolerating me, not liking me, or accepting me. I'm too fragile to hear more critiques right now. 

I notice my appetite is decreasing too. I eat but 1/3 or 1/2 of what i normaly eat. I lost any desire to do anything at all, everything i used to love. I don't enjoy learning, books, wine, and i've been making excuses to not meet my own best friend. 

Obviously, i'm sad, and i can't make myself feel otherwise. I feel worthless, and this is the first time ever that i feel this way about my self. I feel that i'm unworthy of forgiveness, unworthy of success, love, and acceptance. All this feelings are so alien to me. I'm scared that i'm starting to lose myself, my being, my soul. How do people's words and action overpower me like this? This has never happened before. I have never not able to turn the other cheek, or bring my self up, or simply trudge on. This angers me, and i hate how weak i am right now. But even anger does little to wake me. Nothing is working, yet.

Journaling

A few days ago i wrote that i feel like i'm on the way to something big. This feeling has got me to act confused. So i thought, i better jot down what is it that my mind seemed to be so busy thinking and my soul busy feeling.

I'm scared..
I have big dreams, and every time i think about the dreams, it made me want to cry. Every time i close my eyes i see my name, and my self on a big stage. Aprilis Conference in 37 countries. Not only in Indonesia, i see my self speaking, on stage in Rio, Amsterdam, Paris, London, Budapest, Somewhere in Norway, Las Vegas, somewhere in Italy, Greece, i see lights, i see my self in a state of wonder that things can happen. I see my self dedicating each conference for my children. I see my self saying, "and lastly, as always, this is for you my kids, Andrew, Noelle, Bela, i have proven my times over that dreams can come true, We just have to start believing in it, and believing in the power of God to make our greatest of intentions come to live."
I see this vision every morning, every time i'm alone, every time my mind drift away. For that many moments in my out of body state, i truly believe it. i truly believe it's going to be. And then i went back to my body, and saw how crazy i am to have these feelings. I feel a big urge to delete this as i write it. Because of the Agnez Mo situation, i'm scared of telling the whole world my dream. You know right, Agnez monica had stated so many years ago that she will go international, and until today, people still hung up on her words, and mock her dreams. Some laugh and think she's full of shit. People don't understand that she might still be on her journey. That's seems to be what happen when you anounce your big dreams, people give you a timeline on when you should achieve it. I'm scared to write down and admit my dreams because i'm afraid people will take me up on it. In my mind, it's going to take probably decades to get to that dream, but, people may think i'm going to make this happen soon or under 5 years. I'm scared that i'll be branded full of shit. I'm afraid that i will make my self believe, that i am full of shit.


Gosh, all this thoughts is tiring me.

I have so much to do, but my mind is taking me else where.

I Google Myself. Often. Do you?

Aaight, i admit it, i did it, and most def will do it again.

Honestly i think, what i'm doing is so vain, but i can't stop my self. It's like reading testimonials about yourself, you read and re-read it many times over. Or, maybe that's just me?

Anyway, from articles and people's book review i get so many previews of the ways people see my sisters and me. People call us The Moran Sisters, and we always jerked a little bit whenever we hear that. Not that we don't like it. It's just a little weird, it made me feel like a star that was given a nickname by the public. You know, like J-lo, olsen twins, etc. I feel like i don't deserve the fame, somehow. I don't know.

I know now that people see us as hard worker, and a lot admire us for that. We are very honored off course, but a lot of times, what we did to achieve success were really just survival instinct. Our dad gave us all of his saving to support us, and if we messed up, Githa (was only 17 when we started) won't be able to go to college. We can't let that happened.

The Moran family, had gained a little bit of fame since our uncle and aunty gained their success in the business world and frequently grazed the pages of respectables magazines. My uncle and aunty have 4 sons, and 2 of them : my cousins Robin Moran directed a movie, and his brother Mickey Moran became a famous DJ (they are great business people too). So, when we first started, my sisters and i had to grew out of very big shadows of great, talented and successful people. Wherever we go, people think we must have come from a successful and wealthy family like they did. Well, if you read my book, you'd know that that's not true. We weren't poor, but we were not wealthy either. Way back then, when people hear Moran, they remember my uncle and aunty and their sons. I'm proud of them, they also started from nothing and they worked extremely hard to get their success, but even prouder now that when i google our family name or my name,  the search also shows our story. I'm happy to be able to make a name for my self. Does that make sense?

Btw, do you google yourself?

On the side note:
Since i started the business until now, i feel like i have a lot of knowledge and experience to share. So, i'm going to set up a video segment in GogirlmagzTv (that's Gogirl's Youtube channel), where people can just ask me anything. So, i'm going to start pulling in questions. If you have any, please list them here.   I will answer them in the video, or if you prefer i can answer them here too.

Am I intimidating?

I have been fully booked by meetings lately, i rarely have time for anything else. I have also been interviewing several people this past 2 weeks to be my assistant. To my surprise 3 candidates that i accepted decided to resign. What the hell is going on? 

My HR manager told me, they seemed scared when they find out they'll be working for me. That's just weird. I met them like a few minutes, 2 i hired on the spot after meeting them for about 90 seconds. 

I'm just really busy, and i know when i see someone with or without potential. So when i feel like i can work with someone, i don't waste time. The reason for their resignation were these : they are not sure they can do the job (what?), they were affraid that they'll disappoint me (come again?), others were just unsure of themselves.

I can list a bunch of questions that i have about the whole situation, but ah, why bother? 

In the old days, i have time to talk about shit like that. I just don't anymore. I mean, i used to want to convince people to come and work with us, I'd encourage them and all, but jeez, i'm not their moms. I don't have the time to baby them, and i sure don't want my company to be a place they want to learn. I want my company to be a destination, not a stepping stone. Granted, our company is not as big as others, but we are growing. That means, we are constantly changing, and i need people who can hit the ground running. I need super stars, not babies.

That seems harsh, but that's the truth. Everyone is working quintuple job decs at the same time right now. Because, what the market need is people with hybrid skill. So the old job desc does not apply anymore. We all have to have multiple skill, do multiple work and multiple responsibilities. 

It is rather a confusing time and we need to be flexible about our own concept of work and responsibilities. We need to rethink our roles. Nowadays i go back to presenting and selling again. I haven't done that in years. In the afternoons after meetings, some of us will sit on the floor of our manager's room. Just brainstorms stuff, making plans for the next day. Do i care that i'm their group CEO? No. I care about getting the job done. Naturally, it's really not surprising if i can't tolerate nonsense like insecurity. I especially hate when somebody ask, "Do i have to do this all by myself?" The last time somebody ask that in a meeting, you can bet the room went silent and you can hear a needle drop. I don't like a whiner, specially one that acted like a spoiled kid when assigned with a responsibility. 

Yeah i'm tough, but I appreciate hard work because i also work hard. I like independent people, and I especially love people who are result oriented. These kind of people don't have time to question themselves, they are curious, and they always try to find solutions plus it's alternatives.

I always say to my HR manager, "incompetent people find excuses, great people always find a way." 

So i guess, i'm still on the look out for that great person who is also culturally fit our company. Pretty sure we'll find them soon. 

Head daze

I'm so confuse these days. I want people to back off and let me be alone and just read books or watch serial all day but about the same time i want to work. At the same time, i want to forget the whole thing and sleep. But if i sleep i feel like i'm wasting time. 

I feel like I'm obsessed with going forward but scared too. It's like driving a car, but 1 second i hit the gas, revving the engine, and then when it lurched forward I immediately hit the brakes. I feel like i'm doin this to my life, over and over, many times in a day, and by 5 pm I'd be so exhausted.

My mind is full with noises. My heart races. Thoughts running amok. i can't finish any line of thought, because with each one, 3 other pop out. I'm not always this jittery. Maybe i do. Don't know. Don't remember.

So many times this past few weeks, i found my self walking to one direction and then changed course, about 10 steps later i changed my direction again. My body reacted as fast as my thoughts.

What's going on? 

Nothing and so many things at the same time. Does that make sense? 

I really need to learn how to meditate. Quiet my mind. They are too restless and it's making me feel feverish. literally.

Weird, weird. 

I feel like i'm going to ride something big. I feel like my life is about to change, big time. And i'm scared, but ready, but scared. Anxious. 

Breathe nin. Breathe. 

I shall do this, in God. 

In God, i'm enabled.

Amin!

I Believe In The Dream God Put In Me

The world is a funny place. Specially for dreamers like me. Since i was a little girl i always believe that I'm destined for something big. But the world disagrees. What i see in the mirror isn't what the world see in me. 

I see so much doubt in people. They doubt everything. They don't know who they are, they doubt their potential, discouraged, unhappy. A lot of people choose to live like this. Like they are not important. 

I'm like that too when i'm stricken with pain and desperations. But i haven't lost sight of that star that has been leading me above my path. There are days when it does not shine, and these days seem most dark. But i'm always hopeful. I look up with certainty that someday i will see that star again.

We all have a calling. When we are not living up to it, we become lifeless shell. Going through life without meaning, purpose, and growth. 

This is when vanity sets in. I just don't get how critical people can be about others. Specially the way people look or about life choices. I would see a pretty picture in instagram, and the comments would be full of criticism. Some of them did not even have merits. It was as if the writers of those critic were just there to be loud, trying to look wise and deep, and critical. But what came across, to me, were just nonsense, shalowness, and painful words. Very unnecessary. 

I think, maybe, people never meant to do that to us. When people laugh at our ideas, criticized our appearances, belittle us, it only reflects their own fear and limitations. They discourage us because in their mind, they can't do it, so there's no reason why we can.

We have great ideas right now in our company, but few believe it. A lot of people in the industry are talking and laughing about it. Nobody believe in our vision. I think this hurt my crew more than it hurt me. I have seen this before. I've experienced it. I have told you about it in my first book No One to Someone. Yet, this is the first time my crew experiencing it. People always gossip about us but in recent years, no one dared to laugh at us. Now they do. This hurts. 

I try to remind my crew, whenever someone dare to try something new, this always happens. It is almost text book about how people react to new vision. First they laugh, then they mock, then they make fun, and when we prove them wrong they will become quiet, then start praising, then saying to everyone how they've known all along that our idea will be successful. Then we come up with another new idea and the cycle begin again. So predictable that it becomes boring to me. 

People who don't believe in us very often are people who mean the most to us. Could be our parents, our closest friends, our work partners, our better halves. This is when the burden become world shattering and dream killing to most of us dreamers. 

I have a friend that hurt me for her lack of trust in my vision. I never say anything to her, but her doubt still hurts sometimes. I know now that i can't be mad at her or my self. Depending on human being is a futile effort, so, when no one believe in me, i put my hopes and dreams in my prayers. I close my eyes and visualize when it come to pass. I believe it so much that, it become irrelevant what others believe. 

So dream away. Plant your dream in prayers, put your faith in God, work in silence, and let the result make the thunder.  

******

Thunder thunder thunderation, 

We are tarq generation

When we fight with determination 

We create a sensation

T A R A K A N I T A  

T A R A K A N I T A 

TAR Q!

Love at 36

It's always hard to write about love. Because no matter how strong we are, when it comes to love, it's another matter entirely. 

In a series that i'm following, one of the character asked,"Do you know how rare love is?" And i thought. That's not true. Love is all around. But then AADC2 released yesterday, and i'm having trouble thinking who to go watch the movie with. 

My expectation about this movie, udah pasti bikin baper! plus the plot of unresolved love between the main characters made me suspect they would talk about that and i expected happy ending. I'm happy in my marriage but my closest friends aren't so lucky right now. A lot of them are dealing with painful matters in their marriages. So, i don't have the heart to take them to see this love story. It would probably be too painful to see. 

Love at the mid 30s is complicated. There are way too many factors that we can't just simply point on what went wrong, when, how, or whose fault it is. In marriage we need to say sorry all the time. Even when we don't believe that it's our fault. We just say it. A lot. We need to forgive a lot too. 

After 5,5 years of dating, and 9 years of marriage i can say things are not as they used to. The butterflies, no longer there. They left long ago, but another creature took their place. Probably a dog or a bear. I don't know. The animal is imaginary anyway. That creature that resides in my stomach became a warmth familiarity. For me, my stomach does not do sommersaults anymore when i see him. But i feel like, i'm home whenever i see him. I can't sleep when he's out of town, even if i do, i'd wake up in the middle of the night looking for him.

The tingle i feel when every touch is new, not there anymore. But i still long for his embrace everyday. 

Love is boring in the mid 30s. Specially when you are happy. But then i remember that quote again. That love is rare. So, now, more than ever, i value it. 

Believe it or not, i'm still embarassed to say romantic things towards my husband. Just last night i looked at him, and i wanted to say, "I just want you to know, that i appreciate you. More than you know." But i didn't say anything. I just stared. He then say, "what?". I said, "Nothing. I love you." He said automatically, without looking away from the game he's playing on his phone, "love you too. Come here." gestured me to lay my head on his shoulder. I did. Then i turned on netflix and started my favorite series. He pull a blanket over me with one hand. Again without looking away from his game. 

Well, that's pretty much romance in my home. Sometimes we talk for hours, but most nights are like that. We still go out and stuff, but it's different when you are older. I guess. 

That could be dissapointing for some people. But i'm happy. That's more than what a lot of my friends have these days. Plus i'm trying not to take familiarity for granted. I'm just grateful for what we have right now. Our story is not what movies are made of, but it's real. It has it's rollercoaster ups and downs, And it is, LOVE.

I have a confession to make

I'm jealous. 

Yeah i am. Because so many great things  are happening to people around me and i'm not part of it. 

Weird. I haven't had this feeling in a long time. I hate that i'm not included in people's new ventures and successes. 

What's weirder is that i'm currently working on several big things. Very exciting projects. But i'm still jealous at other people's succesful projects.

I don't know why this is happening to me. I hate this feeling. It makes my stomach feels hot and my heart's pounding quicker than usual.

Could it be because, the projects i'm working on takes so slow to move forward? Maybe. It's frustrating me to the point where i'm almost teary. I feel like i want to be angry and cry. Everything is just frustratingly slow. 

Have you ever feel like this? I want to do everything my self but the fact is, i can't be in more than 1 place at a time. I hate this. What the hell am i going to do with this? So annoying.

Are you tired of being good?

More than once i met my friend who like Breaking Bad so much that he said he's inspired to be a criminal. He asked me, "Aren't you tired being good?" 

I said, very quickly, "Nope. I am the light and salt of the earth." with a big smile and a tone of resolved absolution. I said it so fast, so lightly, yet so sure. Like how you would say, "The sky color today is blue." I think it such a shocking thing that everyone suddenly quiet. Absorbing my words. Even me. 

I think i know how they feel. They were probably thinking, "what?" And processing, trying to decide whether there's anything negative about what i just said. Even i do that. But the way i said it, sounded more like hope and the truth at the same time. It's a noble intention yet so strange to hear. 

Now, i'm not being cocky. I just think, sometimes my own words surprise me. Who am i to think that i am all that? That i am the light and salt of the earth. Why did i say that? I don't know. But i know that i believe that's what i am. I believe it's my role in this world. So, no, i don't want to be a criminal. 

It made me think about that game you see on tv shows. 1 person ask a question and the other answer as quickly as they can. The answer normally is the truth that we can't hide. Real believes and feelings come out from the answers.

Have you ever been unsure of something? Maybe to find the answer, you need to play that game. You might be surprised by your own answer. But it's worth to try.

Motherhood isn't all there is

Most of the time being a mom is crazy, but i want to talk about, have the new generation of moms had gone crazy? The reason for this question is, I found out that a lot of new moms now thinks that it's not cool to work and or it's not cool to have nannies.

For me, those believes are just, weird. It's different if you really love being a house mom, or if you simply can't afford nannies. But if you don't work or don't want a nanny just because it's uncool (what?), it's just weird.

Look i'm not here to say, those believes are wrong. I'm just saying doing anything for the wrong reason is bad. The wrong reason here : to get approval from our peers. To be seen as a cool mom, a wonder woman. It gets worse when moms look down on other moms for not being cool. Seriously, are we all still in high school or what?

I think, we were put in this world to do what God intended us to when He created us. We are women, and that makes us daughters, sisters, wives, moms, and grandmas. But those were not the only things that God intended us to become. That's why we have talents. It was given so that we can grow, to realized our potential, to be God hands in this world.

Sometimes it drives me crazy when some friends' only posts are how smart, how deep, how religious their children are. Don't get me wrong. We are moms after all, we are our kids' number one fan. I get it. I'm like that too. The thing that bugs me is when the kid became my friends' entire life. So much so, that their words and captions made me think : "Probably these kids are used as a measurement of what great mothers they are." I mean, even when people don't work, i don't believe in not having anything else than the kid. Kids are God's gifts, they are one of the greatest things that happen in our lives, but again, they are not the only ones. When we throw away our talent and not do anything to hone it, it's really such a waste. A waste of time, a waste of potential, and a waste of God's purpose.

What if we are a good cook, maybe God had intended us to be a chef or a caterer, or a restauranteur. We could be God hands in creating cook books, great cuisines, inspire people, create jobs, etc. Instead, we cower behind these thoughts "what would my friends think of me if i'm busy? or "people will think i'm not a dedicated mom if i have nannies to help me."

In my family, the women are always busy. Our moms and aunties might not always work in an office, but they do work or have their own businesses and they hired help (mba or nannies). They didn't (and still don't) hide behind the stereotype of working women, which i'm sure were even greater at their time. By the way, despite being busy, their children grew out alright. Some, even better than alright.

It really made me sad to see this trend. When will we women really be free to realized our full potential, if now, it's the other women (not just men like it used to) who became the barriers that hinder a lot of us to do more?

Having 3 kids, i'm seeing that, even if my children can get attached to their nannies, they still have great bonds with me. We have quality times and it's all about being discipline with our time. That's why i don't really have pictures of me playing with my kids. Because when i'm home or going out with them, my phone usually no where near me. We have huge sofa at home and most of the time we cuddle together under blankets to watch their favorite episode of Larva or Peppa Pig for the 1198 times. When i talk to andrew about values and important things, i very rarely post them. When i went out with noelle to go shopping, i don't post how cute she was when she tried on multiple clothes. When i'm with them, i'm with them.

Pretty soon, kids have their own friends and activities. Andrew have been nagging me to let him take drum and guitar classes, noelle loves to dance, so is her sister. They all love swimming lessons too. When they do, i sometimes go with them, but a lot of times i made them make friends. Join other kids, so that they become independent kids. When i got home from work, everybody are dying to share stories of their day. My children, well, andrew is proud of my achievements too. More than once he told me how awesome my job is, and he insisted on coming with me on my book tours and told everyone, "That's my mom!"

So it's really about showing our love and making time for them. It really is not anybody else's business how we mother our kids and we should not seek their approval. (Don't get me started on moms who think that just because they delivered their babies normally meant they are better moms than the ones delivered with c-section method) We will make so many mistakes in our lives, but maybe we shouldn't make the unnecessary ones, like letting people's opinion dictate our lives.

We have a duty to God to realized His plans and intentions for us. Because, whatever talents and purpose that God intended for us, it is a great plan. A blueprint of greatness. Greater than what we can ever imagine. Greater than what we deemed ourselves worthy. Who are we to deny that? Why would we want to deny God's purpose, for the sake of looking like a cool mom?

Shouldn't we start asking, "Why did God gave me these talents? What did He want me to do with it? What do God wanted me to become?"

Shouldn't we begin the real journey of finding the true purpose, of why we were put in this world?

Because we really can, you know, be all that we can be and have it all.